- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [the anti-aircraft battery experiences its first real air raid] Move yourselves! Move yourselves! Come on, come on! Sixpence for every one you shoot down, two bob if it is a German!
- [scene that was censored by British Board of Film Classification for the use of the word Focke]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Aircraft recognition. These is your new pin-ups. I bet none of you can tell the difference between a couple of Heinkels and a pair of Bristols.
- Sgt. Len Able: No, but I can recognise a Focke when I see one.
- [Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket]
- Pvt. Easy: Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!
- Capt. S. Melly: Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!
- Pvt. Easy: Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.
- Capt. S. Melly: You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.
- Pvt. Easy: That's all right, Sir. No need to strain yourself!
- [Sgt Tilly Willing sees Melly for the first time]
- Sgt. Tilly Willing: Two inches shorter, he could see right up my skirt!
- [on arrival at the mixed battery]
- Capt. S. Melly: Corporal!
- Capt. S. Melly: That man, he's wearing lipstick!
- Melly's driver: Lipstick sir?
- Capt. S. Melly: Yes.
- Melly's driver: Where?
- Capt. S. Melly: On his face! Where do you think!
- [welcoming Capt S. Melly]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Welcome to 1313 anti-aircraft battery Sir!
- Capt. S. Melly: You up there! What's your name?
- Bombardier Ready: Ready, sir.
- Capt. S. Melly: Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.
- [Ready twitches]
- Capt. S. Melly: What are you doing?
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Twitching, Sir!
- Capt. S. Melly: I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?
- Bombardier Ready: It's me nerves, Sir!
- Capt. S. Melly: Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!
- [Bombardier Ready keeps twitching]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Twitch off!
- [Leans closer]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Wasted on me, boy!
- Capt. S. Melly: Good man, and what's your name?
- Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse.
- [Melly reacts]
- Gunner Shorthouse: Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!
- [Melly moves along the line]
- Capt. S. Melly: And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.
- Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?
- [Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [Leaning in] She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.
- Capt. S. Melly: Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.
- [She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it]
- Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: [Standing up] Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: If only you was a man I would sort you out!
- Capt. S. Melly: [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot] Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!
- Gunner Owen: Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.
- Capt. S. Melly: What's wrong with your big toe?
- Gunner Owen: Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [shouts] Pushed out of bed, more like!
- Capt. S. Melly: [Turns to Bloomer] Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?
- All Officers: [in unison] And the same to you!
- Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: But I couldn't bear it, darling, if you strained something before we'd even... you know.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I do not know!
- Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: Let me teach you.
- [picks up an artillery shell]
- Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe: I find these things awfully exciting, I don't know why.
- Brigadier: Surely in the interest of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with those
- [points at Easy's breasts]
- Brigadier: doing that.
- [points at the equipment]
- Capt. S. Melly: Do you know Sir, you are absolutely right,
- Brigadier: Yes, well I do try and keep abreast of things.
- Capt. S. Melly: [calling Gunner Hiscocks] Hiscocks!
- Brigadier: I beg your parden?
- Capt. S. Melly: Gunner Hiscocks! Replace those...
- [points to Easy's breasts]
- Capt. S. Melly: ... Her, will you?
- [points to Easy]
- Capt. S. Melly: Have you got it up?
- Sgt. Tilly Willing: I beg your pardon?
- Capt. S. Melly: The shell, man, the shell.
- Capt. S. Melly: As a result, headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy at time of war... namely a gun.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.
- Capt. S. Melly: Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.
- [hysterical laughter]
- Capt. S. Melly: What are you laughing at?
- Pvt. Murray: Well, I'm happy Sir.
- Capt. S. Melly: Happy? What, here?
- Sgt. Len Able: What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it or rub it in?
- Cpl. Cook: You can bounce it off the ceiling for all I care.
- [Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?
- Capt. S. Melly: [shouts] Get on with it!
- [Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.
- [Major Butcher is called in to deal with some friction burns to Capt. S. Melly's bottom]
- Maj. Butcher: That's quite a nasty friction burn you have there. What you been doing, eh? Arsing about?
- Capt. S. Melly: Frilly curtains? Basket of flowers? Brasiers?
- Melly's driver: Pardon, Sir?
- Capt. S. Melly: Knickers!
- Melly's driver: Same to you, Sir!
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: This is one of these new mixed batteries.
- Capt. S. Melly: So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.
- Capt. S. Melly: It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: What you may now call a belly button, Sir.
- [laughs]
- Capt. S. Melly: Oh, shut up!
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...
- Capt. S. Melly: Shut up!
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Up!
- Sgt. Len Able: I could've sworn someone said 'bang'!
- Sgt. Tilly Willing: Oh, Leonard. Ooh, what a lovely idea.
- Capt. S. Melly: What the blue blank blazes is that?
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's a gun, Sir.
- Capt. S. Melly: But it's made of wood.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: It's not a real gun yet, Sir.
- Capt. S. Melly: A gun emplacement without a real gun?
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.
- Capt. S. Melly: Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.
- Capt. S. Melly: Attention: All ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. Skirts will not be worn.
- Sgt. Tilly Willing: Well, that'll be a bit drafty.
- Sgt. Len Able: How you feeling, son?
- Bombardier Ready: It's just as though those explosions have reverberated all through my body.
- Sgt. Len Able: Well, just so long as your helmets not damaged.
- Capt. S. Melly: I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: [about their dogs] Yours may be bigger than mine, Sir. But I've been told mines got more bite.
- [Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun]
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: Get that thing out of there!
- Capt. S. Melly: [Whispering] She rammed it up, it can stay up!
- Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer: In that case, gun loaded, Sir!
- [Melly has stormed out after ordering the men to polish the floor of the hut]
- Gunner Shorthouse: I know what he wants!
- Sgt. Len Able: What does he want?
- Gunner Shorthouse: He wants us to polish the floor, Sarge!
- Sgt. Len Able: He's not going to get away with it - making us sweat like that!
- Bombardier Ready: What do you mean - *us*?
- Sgt. Len Able: All right - He's not going to get away with making *you* sweat like this.
- Gunner Shorthouse: But he *is* getting away with it!
- Brigadier: [Indicating the bloomers on the flagpole] Whose flag is that supposed to be? Knicker-ragua?
- Capt. S. Melly: [Melly enters the office, walks up to the desk, and salutes] Captain Melly.
- Captain Bull: [Looking up from the whiskey bottle] No, you must have come to the wrong place - my name's Bull!
- Capt. S. Melly: No, I'm Melly - S. Melly!
- Captain Bull: Pity.
- [holds up the bottle]
- Captain Bull: Have a drink!