Jack Cassidy: The Great Santini

Now You See Him

The Great Santini

Santini: And I thought I'd performed the perfect murder!
Lt. Columbo: Perfect murder, sir? Oh, I'm sorry. There is no such thing as a perfect murder. That's just an illusion.

Santini: Ladies and gentlemen, each evening here at The Cabaret of Magic we like to ask a member of our audience, a volunteer, to step forward on the stage to be Santini's attendant - or assistant, if you would. Perhaps a beautiful young woman.
[Columbo immediately jumps up and approaches the stage eagerly]
Santini: We have a beautiful young man, instead.

Lt. Columbo: Now, when the cube is in the water tank, you're not really in that cube, right?
Santini: Perhaps. Perhaps not.
Lt. Columbo: It's not that I want you to give away any professional secrets.
Santini: My dear friend, I'd rather confess to a murder than to do THAT.

Santini: Why, Lieutenant, you've been checking up on me.
Lt. Columbo: Well, I really don't have any choice, sir.
Santini: Why are you so preoccupied to find out my real identity?
Lt. Columbo: Your origin may be more humble than you make it appear.
Santini: And what about you, Lieutenant? Beneath that ruffle exterior there ticks away the heart of an empiricist philosopher, probing for the truth at all costs.
Lt. Columbo: I'm just doin' my job.
Santini: You make it sound so proletarian.

Jesse Jerome: No, no, dear man, we've been over this before.
Santini: Jerome, I'm bored with you bleeding me. I'm afraid we're going to have to make a change in our little arrangement.
Jesse Jerome: There are no changes... Sergeant Mueller! You see how the very mention of that name renders you completely helpless. You keep forgetting that I know who you are, and where you came from.
Santini: I was 21. I was merely a boy.
Jesse Jerome: No one in the SS was "merely a boy," Mueller. No one in the camps was just a boy. Unless he was being taken into the oven. Don't misunderstand me. If you push me, I will tell. The newspapers, the immigration service, the Israelis - yes, the Israelis! Oh, how they'd love to get their hands on you!
Santini: I think not. I'm far too valuable to you.
Jesse Jerome: You call that value?
Santini: Mmm-hmmm.
Jesse Jerome: I'd do much better turning you in right now, while I still have the chance, before you break in here again, trying to find the old man's letter, and don't deny that it was you!

Santini: We all have our particular talents, Lieutenant. Mine happens to be illusion, and yours, I suspect, is reality - and a rather grim one at that.

Santini: Lieutenant, what IS it about me that you find so irresistible?
Lt. Columbo: Why, you know how it is, sir. I gotta check out all the leads until I get my man.

Santini: Let me clear your head up for you: I had absolutely nothing to do with the crime. I've spent half my life working on that grand illusion. It's been wonderful for me, and audiences love it, and I'm not about to divulge the secret; but, if at some point in time you and your superior - and I know he's a "tough man" - insist that I come up with an alibi, I promise you I'll produce one, but until that time, at least allow me the privacy of my professional secret. Is that fair?

Jesse Jerome: Tell me, Santini, last month before you left for New York, you didn't by chance break into this office and search through my effects?
Santini: What a silly question. Of course I did. And I stole your Manet, your Picasso, and got a lovely price for your Reubens. You know I didn't.
Jesse Jerome: I thought not. It was dreadful of me even to, uh, suggest it.
Santini: Thank you.

Santini: Jerome, you really are an animal.
Jesse Jerome: You're lucky! I'm a businessman. When that old man recognized you last year, didn't I give you the money to keep him quiet? That was good business. And when he died and I realized that I was the only one who knew, well, that was very good business, too. That's why we're such a good team, you and I. You know, you do rather well, considering the circumstances. Certainly better than spending the rest of your life in an Israeli prison. I urge you to look at it realistically. Have the other 45,000 for me tonight before the performance, or believe me, it will be your last performance... anywhere.
[as Santini gets up to leave, Jerome gives a Nazi salute]
Jesse Jerome: Heil Hitler! Have the money for me before the show.

Jesse Jerome: Um, speaking of New York, uh, I take it that...
[taking a wad of cash out of an envelope]
Jesse Jerome: ...this too is, uh, some sort of joke?
Santini: Five thousand dollars is hardly a joke.
Jesse Jerome: Come, come, dear friend, I've assimilated the rudiments of arithmetic. Your recent tour netted 100,000 dollars, fifty percent of which is...
Santini: Five percent of which is five thousand dollars.

Santini: Oh, didn't I tell you? I always have brandy brought to me exactly at the same time each evening. It calms the nerves.