Julie Andrews credited as playing...
Samantha Taylor
- Samantha Taylor: [examining George's bee sting] That looks bad, have you taken anything for it?
- George Webber: Ah, yes, I took four of your birth control pills, I hope that's okay.
- Samantha Taylor: [kisses George on the cheek] Try an antihistimine.
- George Webber: I don't like those, they make me pregnant.
- George Webber: That sonofabitch across the way's got a bigger telescope than we have.
- Samantha Taylor: Not we have. *You* have. I don't need to peep into somebody else's windows to get my jollies. You're a dirty old man, George, and so is your friend.
- George Webber: He's not my friend.
- Samantha Taylor: Well, he should be. You must know him intimately by now.
- George Webber: I don't watch him. I watch his broads. He's got a helluva stable over there.
- Samantha Taylor: Then he must be pretty good in the sack, huh?
- George Webber: What's that got to do with it?
- Samantha Taylor: Well, unless he's using some new remote control screwing device, how can you keep from watching him too?
- George Webber: I concentrate on the broads.
- Samantha Taylor: Well, he's around, isn't he?
- George Webber: What are you getting so head up for?
- Samantha Taylor: You got the time or you want to wait until after the Late Show?
- [George turns off the TV]
- Samantha Taylor: First, I'm getting a little fed up at sexually emancipated ladies being referred to as broads. Second, I think a telescope aimed at anything other than the stars is an invasion of privacy and qualifies the voyeur as a Peeping Tom - and there's a very good law against that. Third, the first two really wouldn't bother me a bit if you'd stop watching so God *damn* much television and pay a little more attention to your bedroom guests. *This* guest in particular. Now, you want to argue or you want to make love?
- George Webber: Define broad.
- Samantha Taylor: You're definition or mine?
- George Webber: Mine. I know yours.
- Samantha Taylor: A girl who screws around a lot.
- George Webber: A hooker.
- Samantha Taylor: A hooker's a hooker. The fact that they both spread their legs doesn't make the terminology interchangeable.
- George Webber: What's the difference?
- Samantha Taylor: A hooker sells it.
- George Webber: Yeah, so does a broad! The only difference is a hooker makes the price going in.
- Samantha Taylor: Ah, so by definition, a "broad" is less virtuous than a hooker.
- George Webber: As far as I'm concerned, virtue has got absolutely nothing to do with it.
- Samantha Taylor: As far as your concerned, or any man for that matter, virtue has *everything* to do with it.
- George Webber: Listen, I just said "broad". You chose to apply a disparaging connotation to the term.
- Samantha Taylor: Come on, George. Are you really trying to tell me that "broad" is *not* a term used by men to describe women in a disparaging fashion?
- George Webber: I'm just saying *I* didn't use it that way.
- Samantha Taylor: Would you call me a "broad"?
- George Webber: That depends.
- Samantha Taylor: On whether you were watching me through a telescope while I - was fooling around with your degenerate neighbor?
- George Webber: No.
- Samantha Taylor: Okay, you define it.
- George Webber: Well, first and foremost, I don't equate the term *exclusively* with sex, voyeurism or quote "degeneracy". You do that.
- Samantha Taylor: So do you; but, you won't admit it.
- George Webber: "Broad" to me is just another colloquial term for woman. Like dame, skirt...
- Samantha Taylor: Moll.
- George Webber: Crumpet. *Moll*. I'm sure John Dillinger never used that word in a derogatory fashion.
- Samantha Taylor: For authority on female agrandisment, consult the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List.
- George Webber: Better still, let's look it up.
- Samantha Taylor: No. I want *your* definition. Not Webster's.
- George Webber: I'm going to get Monsieur Roget's definition. You know my definition. "Broad" means woman. Not good. Not bad. Unless so designated.
- Samantha Taylor: *You* said a broad does it for money.
- George Webber: *You* said a hooker sells it. I said so does a broad.
- Samantha Taylor: Okay, if a broad is a woman, then women screw for money, huh?
- George Webber: *Some* women.
- Samantha Taylor: Broads!
- George Webber: Some - broads do it for other things. But, in a way, they sell it.
- [looking in Roget's Thesaurus]
- George Webber: Alright, here we are. "Woman: dame, hen, petticoat."
- Samantha Taylor: "Slang or derogatory: Jane, *broad*!" Okay, how about that smart ass? You want to look up derogatory?
- George Webber: I thought we were going to make love?
- Samantha Taylor: [walking out] That will cost you 50 bucks and an apology.
- Ed McMahon: [on TV] Heeeeeeeeere's Johnny!
- George Webber: Some of my oldest and dearest friends are *broads*.
- Samantha Taylor: Including your mother.
- George Webber: Yeah, you bet!
- Samantha Taylor: [singing] I want a broad, just like a broad...
- George Webber: And my maternal grandmother was one of the greatest *broads* that ever lived. They don't make *broads* like that anymore.
- Hugh: "Lest ye judge too harshly," remember.
- Samantha Taylor: Nobody's perfect.
- Hugh: Thank God.
- Samantha Taylor: Well, anyway, I'd still like to punch him right in the mouth.
- Samantha Taylor: We've practically nothing in common. We're the original odd couple. On top of everything else when he *really* gets me going, I can't even ask him to step outside because he's too small.
- Hugh: He's just going through male menopause.
- Samantha Taylor: Oh, come on.
- Hugh: Alright, you ladies may have a biological edge; but, most adult males over the age of 40 more than make up for it in the emotional department. Take my word for it.
- Samantha Taylor: [on the phone] When do you plan on coming back? George?
- George Webber: Darling, I won't stay a minute - a minute longer than I have to. Just a couple of days, a couple of weeks. You know, I should have it all sorted out. I love you too much to put you through all that sort of rubbish. I need - I need the time - to be alone. Okay? Sam? Sam?
- Samantha Taylor: Mmm-hmm.
- George Webber: Say something.
- Samantha Taylor: Piss off, George!
- Samantha Taylor: We spend too much time arguing and not enough making love.
- George Webber: Well, I could - I could work on that. You know, I mean, just reverse that trend. Make a lot of love and maybe just that much arguing.
- Samantha Taylor: Oh, as easy as that?
- George Webber: Easy as that. You've got it.