Sam Kelly credited as playing...
Warren
- Bunny Warren: 'Ere Fletch!
- Fletcher: I'm late.
- Bunny Warren: Look, I've got a letter from the wife, can you read it to me?
- Fletcher: Listen Bunny, if you can't read, how do you know it's from your wife?
- Bunny Warren: It's got Elaine's scent.
- Fletcher: Cor, where's Elaine work? A tarpaulin factory?
- Fletcher: You're not doing yourself any favours, are you Banyard? All you're doing is getting up other people's noses.
- Banyard: We have certain rights.
- Fletcher: No we don't, we're in the nick.
- Ives: I suppose you think you're entitled to something better just because you went to a public school, is that it?
- Banyard: On the contrary, Ives, I'm well used to this kind of food, I went to Harrow.
- Fletcher: Oh that's a good advert for the public school system, prepares you for the nick. Course it's harder in here for him than for most of us, 'cause he has had further to drop. Professional man, you see. Dentist. Tragic.
- Ives: What do you mean, Fletcher, 'tragic'? It's no laughing matter for that woman he had under the laughing gas.
- Banyard: There's no need for that, Ives. We don't have to keep unearthing each other's past, I'm paying for my peccadilloes.
- Fletcher: Oh that's good. If you're paying I'll have a large one.
- Bunny Warren: What's a peccadillo?
- Ives: It's a South African bird. Flies backwards to stop getting the sand in its eyes.
- Bunny Warren: No. No. I know what you mean though. It's an animal. Called the Armadildo.
- Banyard: The Armadildo.
- Fletcher: No, that was King Arthur's codpiece. I think that's what I'm eating an' all.
- [Fletcher finally gives in and reads Bunny's letter]
- Fletcher: All right, I'll just you the 'ighlights, all right? 'Dearest Bunny, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah...
- [pause as he turns the page]
- Fletcher: blah.
- Bunny Warren: Blah blah blah what?
- Fletcher: It's trivia, Bunny, it's just trivia, it's the weather, her mother's catarrh, she's retiled the lav, the canary's got haemorrhoids, she's met a welder at the Fiesta Club and she's thinking of movin' in with him. All right? Must rush. Can't hang about.
- [exits]
- Bunny Warren: But...
- [pauses]
- Bunny Warren: ...we 'aven't got a canary.
- Fletcher: Who are all these people, sir? I mean, me and the lads was given to understand that there would be a fair smattering of celebrities.
- Mackay: See that red-haired man? Tells the weather on Anglia TV. And there's a pair of script writers for someone quite famous, and Mr Bainbridge himself has just finished a season at the Al Hambra Swansea.
- Fletcher: I'll tell the lads. They'll be right chuffed.
- Bunny Warren: Who are they, Fletch?
- Fletcher: A weather man, eight small parts and a widow twanky, now go and get changed.
- [At lunch time]
- Bunny Warren: What's the 'old up Fletch?
- Fletcher: It's the defrocked dentist havin' a go at the cuisine again.
- [Bunny has finally found someone to read his wife's letter]
- Godber: ...oh well, that's all I have time for. There's the ironing to be done before Starsky and Hutch. Needless to say, I love you and miss your loving... arms, I think it says.
- Bunny Warren: Yeah, would be arms yeah.
- Godber: Then it's lots of hugs and kisses. Nice letter.
- Bunny Warren: So there's nothing in here about a welder or a canary?
- Godber: No. I would have noticed.
- Bunny Warren: [talking about the celebrity team] I heard Rod Stewart was coming
- Callaghan: Is that likely? He's a tax exile.
- Wellings: Who gives a monkeys, we're getting double rations.