John F. Barmon Jr. credited as playing...
Spaulding Smails
- Spalding Smails: I want a hamburger... no, cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips. I want...
- [gets cut off by Judge Smails, who grabs him by the arms and yanks him to their table]
- Judge Smails: You'll get nothing, and like it!
- Judge Smails: Spaulding, get dressed you're playing golf.
- Spalding Smails: No I'm not grandpa I'm playing tennis.
- Judge Smails: You're playing golf and you're going to like it.
- Spalding Smails: What about my asthma?
- Judge Smails: I'll give you asthma.
- [Caddy Danny arrives among the rich in his yachting outfit]
- Spalding Smails: Ahoy polloi... where did you come from, a scotch ad?
- Spalding Smails: This is good stuff. I got it from a Negro. You're probably high already and you don't even know it.
- Spalding Smails: Turds.
- Judge Smails: Spaulding, how many times have I spoken to you about your language?
- Spalding Smails: Sorry grandpa I forgot.
- Judge Smails: Oh Dr. Beeper, Bishop Pickering this is my niece Lacey Underall. Lacey's mother sent her to us for the summer.
- Dr. Beeper: Must be a nice change from dreary old Manhattan.
- Lacey Underall: Yes I was really getting tired of having fun all the time.
- Judge Smails: Ah. Ho ho. Ha ha ha.
- Spalding Smails: Double turds.
- Judge Smails: *Spaulding*!
- Pre-deb: [hits a joint, coughs] What kind of sh**t is this?
- Spalding Smails: It's the best, man-I got it from a negro.
- Spalding Smails: You're probably so high already you don't even know it.