The Private Eyes (1980)

Don Knotts: Inspector Winship

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Tart : You want another glass of pus?

  Inspector Winship : No I don't want another glass of pus!

• Inspector Winship : You know, I have an idea: whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper.

  Dr. Tart : What is it?

  Inspector Winship : What's what?

  Dr. Tart : The idea you have?

  Inspector Winship : I just told you!

  Dr. Tart : What was it?

  Inspector Winship : Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper!

  Dr. Tart : Right. Now that letter was signed 'Lord Morley'. So he must have read about us in the newspaper and called us in to solve his murder.

  Inspector Winship : How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead?

  Dr. Tart : Right. You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter.

  Inspector Winship : If you killed Lord Morley, would you write and ask someone to find the killer?

  Dr. Tart : Are you saying *I* killed Lord Morley?

  Inspector Winship : [aggravated]  No, I'm saying you kill me!

• Justin : [introducing Mistress Phyllis to the detectives]  These two gentlemen are here to see you; this is Inspector Winship and this is Dr. Tart. They were in the yard.

  Inspector Winship : [correcting him]  *From* the Yard.

• Dr. Tart : [after a pigeon gets shot]  You know what I think? I think there's someone here who doesn't want anyone to know that there's someone here who might be someone that's a killer.

  Inspector Winship : You know what I think? For a short person, you have long sentences.

• Mr. Uwatsum : Ah... So.

  Inspector Winship : What'd you call me?

• Inspector Winship : This isn't one of your better inventions. Who ever heard of a gun that went off every hour?

  Dr. Tart : Might save your life someday.

  Inspector Winship : Yeah, if you have to shoot someone every hour.

• Inspector Winship : You better get a pigeon in case we have to contact the Yard.

  Dr. Tart : Right. I'm gonna take Judy. Harold's been a little under the weather lately; stool's been a little loose.

  Inspector Winship : That's too bad. I'll have to put a "Get Well" card on the bottom of his cage.

• Mr. Uwatsum : How about a nice bowl of fish eyes?

  Inspector Winship : [sickened]  Uh, will you pardon me, please?

  Mr. Uwatsum : Ah... Do you like hummingbird cookies?

  Dr. Tart : No... thank you.

• [the staff are introducing themselves to Winship and Tart] 

  Jock : [in a slurred and garbled speech]  My name is Jock. I'm the groom. I was under Lord Morley's command in India. He had my tongue cut out...

  Inspector Winship : Just a second. What did you say?

  Dr. Tart : He said,

  [imitating Jock's speech, only more garbled] 

  Dr. Tart : He said that his name is Jock. He was under Lord Morley's command...

  Inspector Winship : Will you shut up?

  Dr. Tart : [still imitating Jock's speech]  That's what he said!

• Dr. Tart : [the detectives are driving up to the manor]  Boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy, look at that house. Boy, that's bigger than that hometown I grew up in.

  Inspector Winship : Don't remind me. If it hadn't been for your hair-brained inventions, we wouldn't have had to leave the states.

• Nanny : [about Lord Morley]  He claimed to have the power to return from the dead.

  Dr. Tart : They say that Wookalars have the power to return from the dead, too, and they only have a brain the size of a pea.

  Inspector Winship : In that case, you'd have a tough time getting into the group.

• Gas Station Attendant : [to Dr. Tart]  Oh say, do you know you got stuff all over your face?

  Dr. Tart : Huh?

  Gas Station Attendant : You got stuff all over your face.

  Inspector Winship : He's oiling his brain.