Darren McGavin credited as playing...
The Old Man Parker
- Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
- The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say?
- Ralphie: Uh, um...
- The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
- The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
- Mother: Little pitchers!
- The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
- [the furnace conks out]
- The Old Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
- [he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
- The Old Man: Damn skates!
- [coughing]
- The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
- The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
- The Old Man: Naddafinga!
- [the Old Man reads a side of the box with the prize that he won]
- The Old Man: Aaah! "Fra-GEE-leh!" It must be Italian!
- Mother: Uh, I think that says FRAGILE, honey.
- The Old Man: Huh? Oh, yeah.
- [nods in agreement]
- The Old Man: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
- Ralphie as an Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
- The Old Man: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
- [the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]
- The Old Man: [Referring to Ralphie's pink bunny pajamas] He looks like a deranged Easter Bunny.
- Mother: [Disagreeing] He does not!
- The Old Man: [Still referring to the costume] He does too, he looks like a pink nightmare!
- The Old Man: What is the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse?
- Mother: Ah... Victor! His name is Victor.
- The Old Man: How the hell did you know that?
- Mother: Everybody knows that!
- The Old Man: [Watching in horror as the Bumpus hounds flee after devouring the Christmas turkey] Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!
- The Old Man: [the Old Man's beloved leg lamp is broken] Get the glue.
- Mother: We're out of glue.
- The Old Man: You used up all the glue on purpose!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
- The Old Man: Didn't I get a tie this year?
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
- The Old Man: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!
- Randy: Meatloaf, smeatloaf, double-beatloaf. I hate meatloaf.
- The Old Man: All right, I'll get that kid to eat. Where's my screwdriver and my plumber's helper? I'll open up his mouth and I'll shove it in.
- The Old Man: Dadgummit! Blow out!
- [on the highway, the car has gotten a flat tire]
- The Old Man: Aha!
- [excitedly gets out of the car]
- Mother: Not again.
- The Old Man: Four minutes. Time me.
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Actually the Old Man loved it. He had always pictured himself in the pits of the Indianapolis Speedway in the 500. My old man's spare tires were actually only tires in the academic sense. They were round, they had once been made of rubber.
- The Old Man: It's a Major Award!
- Swede: A Major Award? Shucks, I wouldn't know that. It looks like a lamp.
- The Old Man: It is a lamp, you nincompoop, but it's a Major Award. I won it!
- Swede: Damn, hell, you say won it?
- The Old Man: Yeah, mind power, Swede; mind power.
- The Old Man: [shouting] Don't anybody move! Hold it right there! The fuse is out.
- Ralphie as an Adult: My old man could fix a fuse faster than a jack rabbit on a date.
- The Old Man: So what else happened today?
- Mother: Oh, nothing much. Ralphie had a fight?
- The Old Man: A fight? What kind of a fight?
- [Looks at Ralphie]
- Mother: Oh, you know how boys are. I gave him a talking to...
- [Looks at the newspaper]
- Mother: Uh I see that the Bears are playing Green Bay on Sunday.
- The Old Man: What? Oh yeah! Zudock's got tickets I wish I had. Aw well, let him freeze his keister off out there.
- Mother: [Playing Santa] And this is for Daddy...
- [Picks up a gift-wrapped bowling ball and drops it in The Old Man's Lap]
- Mother: Here, from me to you.
- The Old Man: [high-pitched] Thanks a lot!
- The Old Man: [after Mother "accidentally" breaks the Old Man's leg lamp] Don't you touch that! You were always jealous of this lamp.
- Mother: Jealous of a plastic...
- The Old Man: Jealous! Jealous because I WON.
- Mother: That's ridiculous. Jealous. Jealous of WHAT? That is... the ugliest lamp I have ever seen in my entire LIFE!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now it was out.
- The Old Man: [unveiling his major award] Would you look at that? Would you look at THAT?
- Mother: What is it?
- The Old Man: It's a leg!
- Mother: But what is it?
- The Old Man: Well, it's... A leg, you know, like a statue.
- Mother: Statue?
- The Old Man: Yeah, statue.
- Ralphie: Yeah, statue.
- Mother: Ralphie!
- Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] My mother was trying to insinuate herself between us and the statue.