Jean Shepherd: Ralphie as an Adult

A Christmas Story

Ralphie as an Adult

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window.

Ralphie: Ohhhh fuuudge!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
The Old Man: [stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
The Old Man: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car... Go on.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

[last lines]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Next to me in the blackness lay my oiled blue steel beauty. The greatest Christmas gift I had ever received, or would ever receive. Gradually, I drifted off to sleep, pranging ducks on the wing and getting off spectacular hip shots.

Mother: Are you ready to tell me?
[Ralphie mumbles yes]
Mother: Alright, where did you hear that word?
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie: Schwartz!
Mother: Oh, I see.
[Puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
Ralphie: [Ralphie mumbles and scream]

Flick: Are you kidding? Stick my tongue to that stupid pole? That's dumb!
Schwartz: That's 'cause you know it'll stick!
Flick: You're full of it!
Schwartz: Oh yeah?
Flick: Yeah!
Schwartz: Well I double-DOG-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] NOW it was serious. A double-dog-dare. What else was there but a "triple dare you"? And then, the coup de grace of all dares, the sinister triple-dog-dare.
Schwartz: I TRIPLE-dog-dare ya!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Schwartz created a slight breach of etiquette by skipping the triple dare and going right for the throat!

Mother: [gets on the phone] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Uh, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
[Mrs. Schwartz's speech is inaudible]
Mother: No, he said...
[whispers it close to the receiver]
Mrs. Schwartz: [in a hysterical tone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mother: Yes, that! Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz: Probably from his father.
Mother: No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz: [screams hysterically] WHAT? WHAT? WHAAAAAAT?
[footsteps are heard followed by screaming and spanking]
Schwartz: [crying] Ah, no! What did I do, Ma? What, I didn't do nothing! AAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!
[Ralphie's mom hangs up the phone]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable, official justice.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.
The Old Man: That son of a bitch would freeze up in the middle of summer on the equator!
Mother: Little pitchers!
The Old Man: Thanks... hold it!
[the furnace conks out]
The Old Man: It's a clinker! That blasted stupid furnace dadgummit!
[he walks down a few stairs and falls the rest of the way down]
The Old Man: Damn skates!
[coughing]
The Old Man: Oh, for cripes sake, open up the damper will ya? Who the hell turned it all the way down? AGAIN! Oh, blast it! Poop flirt, rattle crap, camel flirt! You blunder frattle beak struckle brat! Of a womp sack butt bottom fodder...
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of obscenities that as far as we know is still hanging in space over Lake Michigan.
The Old Man: ...smick melly whop walker! Drop dumb fratten housestickle viper!

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The old man stood there, quivering with fury, stammering as he tried to come up with a real crusher. All he got out was...
The Old Man: Naddafinga!

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Over the years I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference was for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor - heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand...
Ralphie: YECCHH!

The Old Man: You filty sicken hook-aid! Oh, smelly wok buster! Grout shell fratten house stickle fifer! You bladder puss nut grafter! Dorton hoper...
Ralphie as an Adult: What happened next was a family controversy for years.
The Old Man: You wart mundane noodle! You shotten shifter paskabah! You snort tonguer! Lame monger snaffa shell cocker!
[the sound of the lamp breaking is heard]

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after BB gun shot bounces off target and hits his face] Oh my god, I shot my eye out!

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Meanwhile, I struggled for exactly the right BB gun hint. It had to be firm, but subtle.
Ralphie: Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!
[everyone stares at Ralphie]
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] They looked at me as if I had lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating about diving with his brother into the gifts under the Christmas tree] Christmas had come officially. We plunged into the cornucopia quivering with desire and the ecstasy of unbridled avarice.
The Old Man: Didn't I get a tie this year?

Ralphie: Scut Farkus!
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Scut Farkus! What a rotten name! We were trapped. There he stood, between us and the alley. Scut Farkus staring out at us with his yellow eyes. He had yellow eyes! So help me, God! Yellow eyes!

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] The snap of a few sparks, a quick whiff of ozone, and the lamp blazed forth in unparalleled glory.
The Old Man: Oh, look at that! Will you look at that? Isn't that glorious? It's... it's... it's indescribably beautiful! It reminds me of the Fourth of July!

Kid with Goggles: I like Santa.
Ralphie: Yeah.
Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Let's face it, most of us are scoffers. But moments before zero hour, it did not pay to take chances.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating, after Mother breaks the Old Man's Major Award, and he is unsuccessful at repairing it] With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered Major Award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] Oh, life is like that. Sometimes, at the height of our revelries, when our joy is at its zenith, when all is most right with the world, the most unthinkable disasters descend upon us.

Ralphie as an Adult: [narrating] I have since heard of people under extreme duress speaking in strange tongues. I became conscious that a steady torrent of obscenities and swearing of all kinds was pouring out of me as I screamed.