Location: The Middle East
Time: 1986
Situation: The only son of an important and wealthy diplomat is kidnapped by middle eastern terrorists. The desperate dad is willing to try anything to save his offspring.
Solution: Hell Squad, a crack team of curvy female commandos.
The distraught diplomat asks his American friend "the government is powerless saheb, where can I turn to for help?", to which his sage sidekick responds "Las Vegas!".
Cut to a second rate sin city stage act with a bevy of beauties dancing crudely to champagne music. Later in the dressing room the girls all voice displeasure with the job and it's lack of proper compensation. Cue the diplomat's American friend, as he arrives with a generous but dangerous offer, to select and train several of them for deadly combat so as to rescue the diplomat's son, for which they will be payed handsomely. To the dancers this sounds like such a hair brained scheme that it...just...might...work! The showgirl soldiers are so game for the mission that they compose a poor but spirited excuse for a cadence, chanting the not entirely difficult "Hell Squad, Hell Squad!!". What follows is equally absurd and so poorly executed, it's like watching G.I.Jane directed by Demi Moore's 5 year old. A sampling:
-in a combat scene, a girl tosses a knife so limply it arcs towards the ground unable to make it out of frame. The next moment we see the blade rocket into someone's chest 30 feet away.
-Hell Squad receives it's marching orders, not by code over a shortwave radio as they camp in desert terrain, but rather on the luxury hotel room phone. The Squad leader is informed where the terrorists are, and when they'll be there. Zero drama is involved as she cheerfully responds "okay, we'll be there, thank you very much" as if confirming a salon appointment.
-At daybreak, the Hell Squad leaves to engage in fierce combat. They return exhausted at the end of the day for a glass of champagne and a group soak in an over-sized hot tub. And no, the hot tub is not an excuse for the gratuitous nudity exhibited by the women, the filmmakers don't appear concerned with making an actual motion picture, let alone excuses.
If you find yourself tired at how quality ridden some films are, or you need a break from the logic and coherence seen in much of cinema, you could do worse than Hell Squad.
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