So diabolically daft and unbelievably erratic is this martial-arts mash-up from Joseph Lai and Godfrey Ho that to understand the plot requires a Masters Degree in Ninjaology. Lucky for you then that I happen to be the proud owner of such a qualification. Allow me to elucidate...
Fashion model Sherri Lee (Queenie Yang), a member of the Golden Ninja Clan (sworn enemies of the Red Ninjas), has a score to settle with Boss Lau, the prostitution racketeer responsible for her father's death. Posing as a virgin wannabe hooker, she goes seeking employment in Lau's brothel, where she attacks his henchmen and sets the captive workers free; this prompts Boss Lau to enlist the help of pal Eric and red ninja Sakura to find the person responsible.
Soon after, undercover cop Dick is on the scene, posing as a fashion reporter in order to get close to Sherri, for whom he quickly develops romantic feelings; also keeping an eye out for the lovely lady's wellbeing is fellow golden ninja Michael, who is in town to prevent a valuable statue from being half-inched by the red ninjas.
Unfortunately, neither guys can stop Sherri from eventually falling into the hands of evil Boss Lau: after taking on the the guise of The Death Fairy (sporting a natty off the shoulder top, towelling head band and tiny cut-off denim shorts) to attack Boss Lau in person, she is beaten by Sakura, who turns her over to Lau for a spot of ninja nookie. PC Dick arrives not long after (great timing, Dick!), freeing Sherri for a brutal final showdown in a half-built, pod-like apartment complex where she finally gets to kick Lau's arse into oblivion.
Got that? No? Oh well, don't worry—even if you haven't the faintest idea what is going on, Golden Ninja Warrior is still a lot of trashy fun, with plenty of typically crazy Godfrey Ho-style ninja action, a surprisingly large dose of misogynistic sleaze, nudity and sexual violence (which begins almost immediately with the brutal whipping and stripping of a reluctant whore), and lots of unintentionally funny scenes, laugh out loud moments including Sheri being pursued by Sakura's ninja homing knife (which chases her like an Exocet missile) and sexy star Queenie Yang taking a bubble bath immediately followed by a shower (talk about an obsession with cleanliness!).
Whilst not the most entertaining of Ho's ninja films that I have seen so far—that honour goes to the absolutely craptastic Ninja Terminator—Golden Ninja Warrior was still worth every penny of the pound that I spent on it.
