The Pink Chiquitas (1986) User Reviews (11)

Perfect example of a B-Movie. Enjoy it as it's meant.

[saucywench_bc · 4/10 · 22 December 2006]

I saw this movie years ago in a group tradition of Fast Forward Film Festivals, where we would set out to rent a bunch of B-movies and vote for who picked the worst.

The night we watched this, it was voted the best, due to semblance of plot and fun costuming.

This is certainly a silly, kitschy, movie, to be watched under the full understanding that you are watching low-budget fluff. Personally, however, I wouldn't recommend additional substances ... this movie will leave it's own mark on you.

It made enough of an impression on me that I've actually been trying to get my hands on a copy for a few years.

A good choice if you are setting out to watch bad movies. This one is fun, and I remember bouncy music ...

Good Idea, Wrong Script

[aesgaard41 · 5/10 · 22 October 2001]

I'm a big fan of the Allison Hayes classic "Attack of the Fifty Foot Woman" so I know just how good a movie can be that bashes men, but this movie is actually insulting to the men that watch it as well as the women who starred in it. There is only one funny scene as Frank Stallone wrestles with an uncatchable fish, and there's an inside "Andy Griffith" joke as Barney Fife becomes Barney Drumm, but there is very little redeeming matter in this movie. What could have been a fairly thrilling movie about women becoming superior to men is actually a wimpy disappointment as the women become unrealisticly sex crazed. The majority of the characters are cartoonish except for Frank Stallone as this movie seemed centered on his attempt to make himself bigger than his brother. It all turns into one big mess with little or no reason and a script seemingly written by high school kids. One out of ten stars.

Spoiler Alert: Everybody Stays Dressed

[Quicksand · 4/10 · 6 July 2010]

I caught this years and years ago on the USA Network, at something like 3 a.m. At the time I was young and impressionable, and I thought I was watching something very dirty indeed. There wasn't much to see, but I was convinced I was watching an edited-for-TV version of a soft-core masterpiece. Did I mention I was young?

Years later I saw the thing on DVD (WHY is this on DVD?), and figured, what the hell. And, well... to call this thing PG-rated is being generous. There had been ZERO editing for that basic cable airing. No one get naked, and there wasn't even any swearing that I could recall. Even the underwear is pretty chaste.

The acting is terrible, the writing is embarrassing, the lighting/costumes/makeup are beyond amateurish, and the "music" (written by Frank Stallone himself!) is instantly forgettable. So if your plot is a pink meteorite that falls to earth and turns the local women into Amazonian nymphomaniacs... wouldn't the only possible saving grace be having naked women in your movie? (or, for the two women in the audience, at least one attractive male?)

There is NO skin, no jokes, no movie... The only reason this exists is so you can see the title on the IMDb and say to someone, "Did you know Sylvester Stallone had a brother? Who was in a movie?"

Heed this warning!!!

[Muleskinner · 28 November 2004]

BAD!

VERY BAD!!

VERY, VERY BAD!!!

VERY, VERY, VERY BAD!!!!

If you MUST watch this, load up on alcohol / cannabis / pharmaceuticals (your choice) to the point where operating the remote control to turn it off is harder than continuing to watch it. Be warned - it'll suck you into continuing to watch just to see how much worse it can get; it does get worse - much, much, worse.

Production values are non-existent; one character's toupee strongly resembles a road-killed wolverine scraped from a nearby Interstate highway.

Costuming came from half-price day at a thrift store, with the exception of those which contributed to a world-wide shortage of pink Spandex that year.

As to the script - the less said, the better (the writers should have kept that in mind)!

The only conceivable reason to even put this movie into a VCR is to clear out those hangers-on who don't recognize that the party ended an hour ago - within 15 minutes, they'll remember that they have to be elsewhere, and are late getting there!

Campy Crap

[signups-2 · 2/10 · 18 December 2004]

This film is horribly acted, written, directed and produced. But it's so campy it's actually semi-watchable. That's SEMI watchable.

The storyline (what little there is) makes virtually no sense whatsoever. The Barney Drum character is the only real comic relief in the movie and that gets tired after about 30 seconds.

Many of the Canadian supporting cast can be found in TV commercials.. None of them went on to anything else that I'm aware of. And of course Sly Stallone's even less talented brother well..... =\

Trivia: It was filmed almost entirely in and around the little village of Claremont, Ont. (about 20 miles N.east of Toronto) I recognized many local landmarks/intersections/buildings. I think the Drive-in scene was filmed at the now demolished "Oshawa Drive-in" just before it was torn down.

Stinky Pink Shiguitas

[zeppo-2 · 1/10 · 8 July 2005]

Sly Stallone is hardly the finest actor in the world but compared to his brother, Frank...well, roll out those awards now! Mullet haired, muppet Frank seems to think that every part he plays, calls for him doing the role as an American/Italian Wise-guy refugee from the 'Godfather.' Please, somebody make him an acting offer 'he can refuse!' This film just stinks the place out, even by the terrible overacting in this, Frank still steals the acting dishonours. All the people compensate for their lack of talent by shouting their lines and throwing their arms about, gesticulating wildly in a style that went out of fashion back with silent films.

The plot, what there, is, makes no sense as a meteor lands and turns all the women into sex-crazed nymphets but as this is 15 certificate film, that just means they strip to their underwear and make moaning sounds like dogs on heat. What happens in the end, I'm not quite sure as I was losing the will to live long before the film finished.

Avoid this like the plague and watch 'Deep Impact' for a reasonable film about a meteor about to hit the earth.

N.B. Point of order: when one of the female leads strips down to her underwear, she has her knickers/panties under her suspenders/garter belt, it's knickers over the suspenders to allow women to go to the toilet with less fuss. A trivial point, perhaps, but shows how dumb this film is when they can't even get this right!

To say this film stinks would be insulting to skunks

[junk-monkey · 1/10 · 21 October 2004]

To say this film stinks would be insulting to skunks. As the other commenter says, this movie is insulting to anyone over the mental age of 7 (it is especially, incredibly insulting to gays). It is awful - and not in a "so bad it's funny" sort of way either - it's just plain awful. No, I have to say it: IT STINKS! (sorry skunks).

From the opening credits to the end titles there is hardly more than 10 seconds of this movie worth opening your eyes for. The "plot" is incoherent, the characterization non-existent, the acting is of the over the top mugging "look at me I'm being funny!" school and so it goes on. The set pieces are clumsily set up (if at all) and are badly executed, it's just awful on every front - apart from the music maybe, I don't remember thinking the music stinks (apart from the songs).

To be fair to the makers, they lay their cards on the table pretty quickly: the opening credits include the title "Also starring Ertha Kitt as the voice of Betty the meteor" (since as the meteor in question turns out never never say anything but make an occasional purring noise they may well have lifted Ms. Kitt's contribution from one of her records) and the second line of the movie runs something like: "...and scientists have discovered new facts about the rings around Uranus." Uranus - "Your Anus" geddit? geddit? huh? huh?? Your Anus? The humour really is that cheap.

It says strange things about the "comedies" of that period in that it was perfectly permissable for the hero to deliberately shoot people dead in the street but not say "sh*t" out loud.

I paid fifty pence (about $1.00) for this movie in a sale. I feel ripped off.

Camp '80s crap.

[BA_Harrison · 2/10 · 12 September 2017]

This camp Canadian homage to '50s sci-fi B-movies stars Frank Stallone (Sly's younger brother) as private eye Tony Mareda Jr., who finds himself pursued by South American gangsters and doing battle with an army of women who have been exposed to a pink meteorite that turns them into Amazonian warriors.

Deliberately trashy in a bid for cult status, this film falls flat on its face thanks to a dreadful script that aims for laughs but misses by a mile, and terrible performances. Frank Stallone, sporting a horrible mullet, ably shows why he never achieved the level of fame enjoyed by his big brother, but he is not alone in his ineptitude: there's not one decent performance amongst the whole cast. About the only thing going for this mess are the attractive women who parade around in varying states of undress (but never naked: this is strictly PG nonsense).

With so many terrible scenes to choose from it is hard to say what the absolute low point is, but definite contenders include the pointless musical number, flaming homosexual Dwight Wright (Gerald Isaac) in drag, Tony water-skiing behind a giant fish, and any moment featuring Don Lake as bumbling Deputy Barney Drum.

2/10.

The Pink Ladies

[BandSAboutMovies · 2/10 · 10 October 2022]

Frank Stallone as Tony Mareda Jr., a former Olympic athelete and now a detective who fights with the mob the whole way to a drive-in located in Beamsville that soon has a meteor crash down and transform all of the women in sex-obsessed maniacs. Soon, Tony and news anchor Bruce Pirrie are trying to save the men of the town from Mary Anne Kowalski (Elizabeth Edwards) and her literal army of women. And their pink tank, too.

The meteor has the voice of Earth Kitt. Along with Stallone, she performs the Paul Zaza-written songs.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Don't I need sleep?

This is the only full-length movie that Tony Currie directed and wrote, but he also worked on sound for Prom Night, Naked Lunch and Eastern Promises.

But seriously, this movie doesn't have much to say. I was hoping that this would be some kind of secret classic - I mean, look at the poster art - but I struggled throughout. In a world where Invasion of the Bee Girls and Voyage of the Rock Aliens are already made, why did this even happen? What new could it say?

The filmmakers did, however, get all they could out of Art of Noise's "Peter Gunn theme."

A cute piece of blithely campy sci-i comedy fluff

[Woodyanders · 8/10 · 15 July 2014]

A pink meteorite (voiced with growly aplomb by Eartha Kitt) lands in the middle of the woods in a sleepy small town. It transforms a bunch of local women into raging nymphomaniacs. Can hunky private detective Tony Mareda Jr. (an amiable portrayal by Frank Stallone) save the day before it's too late? Writer/director Anthony Currie milks the cheerfully dopey premise for maximum infectiously campy goofiness with the zippy pace, zany tone, and broadly drawn characters never letting up for a minute. Moreover, it's acted with considerable zest by an enthusiastic cast, with especially spirited work by Bruce Pirrie as bumbling meteorologist Clip Bacardi, Don Lake as the hopelessly clumsy Deputy Barney Drum, John Hemphill as the smarmy mayor Ernie Bodine, and Gerald Isaac as flamboyant homosexual Dwight Wright. The smoldering presence of various hot and sexy gals certainly doesn't hurt matters in the least: Elizabeth Edwards as delicious leader May Ann Kowalski, gorgeous blonde knockout Claudia Udy as sweet nurse Helen Walkman (Claudia is quite the yummy eyeful clad solely in white skivvies!), Laura Robinson as enticing TV news anchorwoman Trudy Jones, and Cindy Valentine as sultry singer Stella Dumbrowski, plus both Sheryl Lee and Lolita Davidovich pop up as pink chiquitas in their pre-fame salad days. A running gag about a team of inept Italian mobsters trying to kill Tony provides some of the biggest laughs. The bright cinematography by Nicolas Stiliadis gives this picture a cool glittery sheen. Paul Zaza's lively score hits the stirring spot. Sure, it's an incredibly silly serving of pure piffle, but this good-natured and inoffensive romp is just way too dumb and inane to hate.

great movie

[ichovil · 10/10 · 23 August 2013]

I don't think many people understand this movie. It was really quite a beautiful film about women mostly, well acted, and quite well scripted. Maybe you have to be an anthropologist to appreciate it. Before the last ice age and well into present times we were matriarchal and very sexual. The meteor only made our human nature more open. The meteor didn't die. After mating with a human male its babies can be seen bubbling up on the lake. Nobody here seems to understand what a pink Chiquita is. It's the title of the film people. It's what our species needs to continue surviving. There are some esoteric references in the film I don't understand. Clip appears in a very Beatles like uniform reminiscent of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band on an amusement park merrigo round. I think the teen boys who initially found the meteor died. The only other death in the movie is the homosexual cross dresser. I bought this film because it was about what women were really like at one time, and I loved how normal life in the small town of Beamsville now was actually like. Loved Mary Ann. A librarian no less, married to a meteorolgist?