G.W. Bailey credited as playing...
Capt. Harris
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, this is an alley.
- Proctor: I know sir but these are the directions Mahoney gave me.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Mahoney?
- Proctor: Yes he says this restaurant has the best salad bar in town.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Well it damn sure better have!
- [they go inside]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Proctor, I don't see a salad bar.
- Proctor: [sees the name of the restaurant, "The Blue Oyster"] Look sir. Maybe they serve seafood.
- [laughs]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Not funny you idiot!
- [Capt. Harris sees Zed and Laura goofing off in front of the academy pool]
- Captain Harris: [on the bullhorn] What the hell is this, cadets in heat?
- Zed: No, we were, like, just talking.
- Captain Harris: Oh, well, "just, like, talk" somewhere else. This is not a spawning pool. I want discipline. Do I make myself clear, Zed?
- [back on the bullhorn; screams]
- Captain Harris: DISCIPLINE!
- Zed: Jerk!
- Captain Harris: [screams again] WHAT?
- Laura: [defends Zed] He said, "bye".
- [Harris, convinced that that's what Zed "thought" he said, proceeds away from them]
- Zed: [to Laura] No, I said-I said, "jerk". I think I was pretty clear. I said "jerk".
- Laura: [agrees] Jerk. Mm-hmm.
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Citizens On Patrol. What a joke. You know what C.O.P. really stands for Proctor?
- Proctor: No sir what?
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: Collection Of Pissants.
- [Proctor laughs]
- Capt. Thaddeus Harris: That's not funny Proctor.
- Proctor: No sir.
- Zed: [teaching a class to the cadets] Cadets, I'd like now to discuss with you something that will be vital for you to know when you're, like, out there on the job as a police officer, and that's the correct way on how to eat a doughnut. A doughnut...
- Proctor: [enters the classroom] Attention!
- [the cadets stand up at attention]
- Proctor: Captain Harris?
- [Capt. Harris enters wearing a medical device with his hands suspended in the air not long after Zed switched Harris' Right Guard deodorant spray with a can of Mace, which the latter burned Harris' armpits]
- Captain Harris: [to the cadets] From this moment on, anyone who misplaces their canister of Mace will reprimanded and fined. Is that clear?
- Cadets: [in unison] YES, SIR!
- [Harris and Proctor leaves]
- Zed: Bye.
- [after the Citizens On Patrol team accidentally foil a police sting operation, they're met with an angry Capt. Harris and sidekick Lt. Proctor, the former also delighted that his plan to make the program fail succeeded]
- Captain Harris: [furious; to Mahoney, the trainers, and the downtrodden civilian recruits] Three months' work out the window, down the drain. Your Citizens on Patrol just screwed up the single biggest police undercover sting operation
- [screaming]
- Captain Harris: in the HISTORY OF THIS CITY!
- Proctor: Tell 'em the good news, sir.
- Captain Harris: Thank you, Proctor.
- Proctor: You're welcome, sir.
- Captain Harris: As of now, the C.O.P. program is suspended, pending a full investigation.