Steve Martin credited as playing...
Freddy Benson
- Freddy Benson: I didn't steal any money from her! She gave it to me.
- Inspector Andre: But, she filed this complaint against you.
- Freddy Benson: She caught me with another woman. C'mon. You're French, you understand that!
- Inspector Andre: To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.
- [Sitting at the dinner table]
- Freddy Benson: Excuse me. May I go to the bathroom first?
- Lawrence Jamieson: Of course you may.
- Freddy Benson: [after a pause, and with relief] Thank you.
- Freddy Benson: His name is - James. No. His name is - James Josephson. Oh, no, no! James Lawrence. Lawrence! Lawrence! Lawrence. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Fings. Forest Lawrenceton. La - Lars. Lars! Lawrence. Lawrence Lacko. Lawrence. His name is James Jessenden. Lawrence Fells. Lawrence Jesterton. Lawrence Jesterton.
- Inspector Andre: Lawrence Jamieson?
- Freddy Benson: Yes! Yes! Yes! We're like this!
- Freddy Benson: [telling a phony story to sucker Janet into giving him money] I was engaged to a girl back in the States. And we loved to dance... we wanted to be professionals, isn't that silly? And we got an opportunity to compete on television, on Dance USA. So we agreed that if we won, we'd get married. So we went on, and we danced, and we won!
- Janet Colgate: That's great!
- Freddy Benson: And in the excitement, we got separated. So I went back to the studio, and there they were. Naked, dancing... and then they stopped, and they made love right there on the dance floor!
- Janet Colgate: [gasps] Who was she with?
- Freddy Benson: Denny Terrio, the host of Dance USA.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Do you ever have a single thought that originates from above the waist?
- Freddy Benson: No!
- Freddy Benson: [Reading Janet's note] Hello Boys. It was fun. I'll miss you. Love, Janet. The Jackal. P.S. I'm keeping the money. Is that wrong?
- Freddy Benson: Arthur, I'm sorry I broke your VHS player. I want you to give me the make and model number. As soon as I get settled, I'm gonna send you a check.
- Arthur: Oh, shut up.
- Freddy Benson: [omitted from the profit distribution] Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
- Lawrence Jamieson: You are the student. You get knowledge.
- Freddy Benson: Listen. We're the weaker sex. Men don't live as long as women. We get more heart attacks, more strokes, more prostate trouble. I say it's time for a change. I say let them give us money. Let's live off them for a while. That probably shocks a guy like you, right?
- Lawrence Jamieson: Well, it's rather a revolutionary thought.
- Freddy Benson: Of all the lousy... She is disgusting. She is lying. She is deceitful. She is two-faced. She is conniving, and she is dishonest!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Heh, heh, heh... Yes... Isn't she wonderful?
- Freddy Benson: Of all the lousy - She is disgusting! She is lying! She is deceitful! She is two-faced! She is conniving and she is dishonest!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Yes. Isn't she wonderful?
- Freddy Benson: [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!
- Freddy Benson: My grandmother is wonderful. She has a laugh that can make the birds sing. But she's been quite ill lately and the hospital bills have been adding up. I just wanna do my share. It's kinda tough for me because I was never very good with money. I just seem to take what the Red Cross pays me and I give it right back to them. But I am going to help my gram-gram. She is the one who taught me it is better to be truthful and good - than to not.
- Freddy Benson: I look great, don't I? I know the moves!
- Lawrence Jamieson: Yes, Freddy. You're ready.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Don't worry, Ruprecht. We won't go anywhere without you.
- Freddy Benson: [pretending to be Ruprecht] Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
- Lawrence Jamieson: [to the rich Lady from Oklahoma] He'll enjoy Oklahoma's wide-open spaces. He loves to run and run and run.
- Freddy Benson: Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!
- Freddy Benson: Oh, come on! She's keeping the mink. I mean, if we take her for everything, she still comes out with a very very nice mink.
- Lawrence Jamieson: Freddy, the women I deal with are carefully screened. They're wealthy and corrupt. I never take advantage of the poor or the virtuous.
- Freddy Benson: Look what I did in the dining car! She gave me 100 francs. That's like, uh, 20 bucks! Do you have any idea what it feels like to take a woman for 20 bucks?
- Lawrence Jamieson: No, I haven't. I'm afraid it's a little out of my class.