Don Adams credited as playing...
Maxwell Smart
- Maxwell Smart: Because at this very moment, this warehouse is being surrounded by one hundred cops with Doberman pinschers. Would you believe it? A hundred cops with Doberman pinschers.
- Nicholas Dimente: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe ten security guards and a bloodhound?
- Nicholas Dimente: I don't think so.
- Maxwell Smart: How about a Boy Scout with rabies?
- [last lines]
- Maxwell Smart: 99, I love you better than the whole world. Would you believe it? The whole world.
- Agent 99: Yes Max, I believe it.
- [they kiss]
- Cmdr. Drury: Now Smart, remember, KAOS will do everything in it's power to try to stop you. You'll be in imminent danger and constant jeopardy, facing death at every turn.
- Maxwell Smart: And... loving it!
- Maxwell Smart: Go to sleep, 99.
- Agent 99: I can't.
- Maxwell Smart: Why not?
- Agent 99: You're sitting on me.
- Cmdr. Drury: The fate of the civilized world depends upon you.
- Maxwell Smart: What about our side, sir?
- Agent 99: Oh Max, how horrible.
- Maxwell Smart: Well he deserved it 99, he was nothing but a Kaos killer.
- Agent 99: Sometimes I wonder if we're any better Max.
- Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to kill and maim and destroy, we stand for everything that's good and fine and decent in the world.
- Beamish: Mr. Smart, may I say that meeting you is the highlight of my entire career!
- Maxwell Smart: Thank you, Beamish! How long have you been with the company?
- Beamish: Three days!
- Agent 99: You met the President! What's he like?
- Maxwell Smart: Everything you'd expect him to be!
- Agent 99: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Cmdr. Drury: Smart, you appear to be in pretty good shape, do you work out?
- Maxwell Smart: I jog one hundred miles every day! Would you believe it? One hundred miles!
- Cmdr. Drury: I find that hard to believe.
- Maxwell Smart: Would you believe fifty?
- Cmdr. Drury: No!
- Maxwell Smart: How about two push ups and a deep breath?
- Agent 99: Oh, Max. You let him get away. Did you get a look at his face?
- Maxwell Smart: If that was his face he has a huge cleft in his chin!
- Agent 13: What's our assignment? Find Hotentot?
- Maxwell Smart: 13! How did you know that?
- Agent 13: I still got my contacts, Max. I got a friend inside the White House, really inside. She's in the plumbing!
- Larrabee: You mean you and Siegfried are triplets?
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, there are three of us.
- Maxwell Smart: You mean to tell me that you have another brother who looks exactly like you and Siegfried?
- Prof. Helmut Schmelding: No, a sister.
- Larrabee: I bet she has a tough time getting dates.
- Cmdr. Drury: They can produce acid rain, destroy all our crops, and pollute our water.
- Maxwell Smart: [Incredulously] You mean they can do that better than we're doing it now?
- Nicholas Dimente: I can drown the city that houses your finest minds, your most brilliant intillects.
- Maxwell Smart: [to 99] Well at least Washington is safe.
- Maxwell Smart: Ok, I'll go in and you cover me.
- Agent 99: Max, I dont have a gun.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, ok, then you go in and I'll cover you.
- Agent 99: Max!
- Maxwell Smart: Eh, I've got a gun for you, 99.
- [pulls open elbow-patch, takes out mini-gun]
- Maxwell Smart: Max this looks like a tootsie role with a trigger. What do you say when you use this, 'Put your finger up?'
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it might not look like much, 99, but when you attach this noiser to it...
- Agent 99: Noiser?
- Maxwell Smart: ...a bang becomes a boom.
- Cmdr. Drury: [on phone] This is the single most important telephone call you will ever receive. The fate of the world depends upon you.
- Maxwell Smart: [on shoephone] Could you hold that thought for a second sir, someone's coming.
- [Max moves off as a coffin slides by]
- Cmdr. Drury: He put the world on hold.
- Maj. Waterhouse: The Cone of Silence. It's an obsolete anti-bugging device.
- Maxwell Smart: Well, it's not really obsolete, sir. as a matter of fact, I bought one at the Control garage sale, it's hanging over my bed.
- Cmdr. Drury: Over your bed?
- Maxwell Smart: I talk in my sleep.
- Maxwell Smart: Where have you been keeping yourself?
- Agent 13: [lying in a cabinet drawer] Oh, here and there, just part-time spying now. Two weeks in a toilet in Talido, a voodoo drum in Haiti. That was kind of fun, like a vacation.