James Gammon credited as playing...
Lou Brown
- [Willie Mays Hayes has just made a "basket catch" to end the inning]
- Lou Brown: Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fuckin' do it again.
- Lou Brown: [at a team meeting] Can I have your attention, please?
- [picks up a bat and leans on it like a walking stick]
- Lou Brown: I have something I think you all ought to know about. It seems that Mrs. Phelps doesn't think too highly of our worth. She put this team together because she thought we'd be bad enough to finish dead last, knocking attendance down to the point where she could move the team to Miami... and get rid of all of us for better personnel.
- Roger Dorn: Even me?
- Lou Brown: Even you, Dorn.
- Eddie Harris: What if we DON'T finish last?
- Lou Brown: She'll REPLACE you with somebody who WILL. After this season, you'll be sent back to the minors or given your outright release.
- Jake Taylor: [Jake stands up] Well, then, I guess there's only one thing left to do.
- Roger Dorn: What's that?
- Jake Taylor: Win the whole fucking thing.
- [long pause]
- Willie Mays Hayes: [Willie stands up] Yeah.
- Pedro Cerrano: [Pedro pounds his hand] YES!
- [everyone talks among themselves]
- [Rick thinks he's been cut from the team]
- Rick Vaughn: I got news for you, Mr. Brown: you haven't heard the last of me. You may think I'm shit now, but someday you're gonna be sorry you cut me. I'm gonna catch on somewhere else, and every time that I pitch against you I'm gonna stick it up your fuckin' ass!
- [Throws baseball against locker]
- Lou Brown: Good! I like that kind of spirit in a player. The only problem is, I didn't cut you.
- Rick Vaughn: What?
- Lou Brown: I think someone's been having some fun with you.
- Lou Brown: [Cerrano arrives at spring training] Who is that?
- Charlie Donovan: Must be Cerrano. Defected from Cuba, wanted religious freedom.
- Lou Brown: What's his religion?
- Charlie Donovan: Voodoo.
- [Rookie pitcher Rick "Wild Thing" Vaughn is about to throw the final pitch for the Indians in the playoff game]
- Lou Brown: Forget about the curveball, Ricky! Give him the heater.
- Lou Brown: [testing Vaughn] OK Vaughn. They say you're a pitcher, you're sure not much of a dresser. We wear caps and sleeves on this level, son. Understood? All right, let's see what you can do.
- [Vaughn pitches and hits the backstop fence]
- Lou Brown: Nice velocity.
- Pepper Leach: Sounded like it.
- Jake Taylor: Jesus!
- Lou Brown: How much?
- Duke Temple: [looking at his velocity gun] 96.
- Lou Brown: [to Temple] We better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.
- Lou Brown: [Lou's talk to the team before the opening day game] All right people, we got 10 minutes 'till game time, let's all gather 'round. I'm not much for giving inspirational addresses, but I'd just like to point out that every newspaper in the country has picked us to finish last. The local press seems to think that we'd save everyone the time and trouble if we just went out and shot ourselves. Me, I'm for wasting sportswriters' time. So I figured we ought to hang around for a while and see if we can give 'em all a nice big shitburger to eat!
- [entire team laughs]
- [Dressed in tuxedos, every team member, except Willie, stands behind home plate and looks forward.]
- Everybody: Hello. Do you know us?
- [Everybody except Rick puts on their caps]
- Everybody: We're a Major League Baseball team.
- Jake Taylor: But since we haven't won a pennant in over 30 years, nobody recognizes us. Not even in our own hometown.
- Eddie Harris: That's why we carry the American Express card.
- Rick Vaughn: No matter how far out of first we are, it's cool. You know, it keeps us from getting shut out at our favorite hotels and restaurant-type places.
- Pedro Cerrano: [pointing forward] So if you're looking for some Big-League clout, apply for that little green home-run hitter.
- Roger Dorn: Look what it's done for US. People still DON'T recognize us but...
- [Roger snaps his fingers]
- Lou Brown: We're contenders now.
- [Also dressed in a tuxedo, Willie slides into home plate and holds up a green credit card]
- Willie Mays Hayes: The American Express card: Don't steal home without it.
- Lou Brown: Hey, Jake. How's the knees holding up?
- Jake Taylor: Great! Never been better.
- Lou Brown: Mobility's good? No problem getting off the throw to second?
- Jake Taylor: No problemo.
- Lou Brown: I need a catcher, Jake. Someone who can lead this team on the field. But I want the absolute truth, here, are you 100 percent?
- Jake Taylor: Yeah, would I bullshit you about something like that?
- Lou Brown: You better, if you wanna make this team.
- Willie Mays Hayes: [waking up to find himself outside with the others already running] Shit! I've been cut already?
- [runs in his pajamas along with the two players already being timed]
- Pepper Leach: Who the hell is that?
- [Hayes overtakes the other 2 players despite their head start. Leach shows his time on the stopwatch to Lou Brown]
- Lou Brown: Get him a uniform.
- Roger Dorn: Lou! Can I have a word with you, here?
- Lou Brown: Sure.
- Roger Dorn: See, I've got it right here in my contract. It says, "I don't have to do any calisthenics that I don't feel are necessary." So what do you think about that?
- Lou Brown: [drops the contract on the ground and urinates on it, then walks off]
- Charlie Donovan: [Taylor arrives to spring training] There's Jake Taylor.
- Lou Brown: He was an all-star in Boston, wasn't he?
- Charlie Donovan: Yeah, wound up in the Mexican League. Had problems with his knees.
- Pepper Leach: Wish we had him two years ago.
- Charlie Donovan: We did.
- Pepper Leach: [Vaughn has just given up a grand slam after walking three straight batters] You want me to go get him?
- Lou Brown: No, keep him in. Let's see how he reacts.
- Lou Brown: [Vaughn hits the next batter] Interesting.
- Roger Dorn: [shouting] Don't fuck with me, Vaughn!
- Rick Vaughn: Yeah?
- [shouting]
- Rick Vaughn: Fuck you!
- Roger Dorn: What's the matter, rookie Fuck-Wad? Can't you take a little joke?
- Rick Vaughn: Real fucking funny, asshole.
- Lou Brown: All right!
- [shouting]
- Lou Brown: All right! Knock that shit off.
- Roger Dorn: Lou, you better make it real clear to this little lady that I'm not about to take his shit.
- Lou Brown: Shut up, Dorn.
- Lou Brown: [after seeing Cerrano hit a few fastballs out of the park] Jesus, this guy hits a ton, how come no one else picked up on him?
- Duke Temple: All right, Eddie, that's enough fastballs, throw'em some breaking balls.
- [Eddie throws Cerrano a curve ball, which Cerrano swings and misses]
- [the Indians' General Manager calls minor-league coach Lou Brown at Tire World to offer him a position with the Indians]
- Charlie Donovan: How would you like to manage the Indians this year?
- Lou Brown: Gee, I don't know...
- Charlie Donovan: What do you mean, you don't know? This is your chance to manage in the big leagues.
- Lou Brown: Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some whitewalls.
- Lou Brown: I thought you said we didn't have any high-priced talent.
- Charlie Donovan: Forget about Dorn, he's just high-priced.
- Pepper Leach: [Vaughn pulls up on a motorcycle] Look at this fuckin' guy.
- Lou Brown: My kinda team, Charlie, my kinda team.
- Eddie Harris: Hey, Lou. Aren't we gonna have a prayer?
- [Dorn rolls his eyes and sighs]
- Eddie Harris: I mean, uh, we're not all savages, like Cerrano over there.
- Pedro Cerrano: Cállate, cabrón!
- Lou Brown: You guys go ahead.
- Eddie Harris: Oh, well, OK. Uh, let's, all bow our heads.
- Roger Dorn: Excuse me I'll be in my office.
- [Dorn folds his newspaper, rises from his chair and walks out, making a fanning gesture behind his backside]
- Eddie Harris: Dear Heavenly Father, we humbly pray that you will guide...
- [Cerrano ignites his ritual smoke with his cigar, which explodes with a loud bang]
- Eddie Harris: Jesus Christ, Cerrano!
- Pedro Cerrano: Have to wake up bat!
- Eddie Harris: Ok, shit. Can we try this again?
- Lou Brown: C'mon, Dorn, get in front of the damn ball. Don't give me this *ole* bullshit.
- Roger Dorn: Hey, I took one in the eye last year, I'm not about to lose my sight.
- Lou Brown: I'm deeply moved. Every time you play one off your hips, you owe me 40 situps.
- Roger Dorn: [In disbelief] What?