Shirley MacLaine credited as playing...
Ouiser Boudreaux
- M'Lynn: [crying] I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.
- [screaming]
- M'Lynn: I'm fine! I can jog all the way to Texas and back, but my daughter can't! She never could! Oh God! I am so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know *why* Shelby's life is over! I wanna know how that baby will *ever* know how wonderful his mother was! Will he *ever* know what she went through for him! Oh *God* I wanna know *why*? *Why*? Lord, I wish I could understand!
- [in a firm tone]
- M'Lynn: No! No! No! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first. I've always been ready to go first! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I don't think I can take this! I-I just wanna *hit* somebody 'til they feel as bad as I do! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it hard!
- [continues sobbing]
- Clairee: Here!
- [grabs Ouiser by the shoulder and positions her in front of M'Lynn]
- Clairee: Hit this! Go ahead M'Lynn, slap her!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: [taken aback and confused] Are you crazy?
- Clairee: Hit her!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Are you *high*, Clairee?
- Truvy: [in a frightened tone] Clairee, have you lost your mind?
- Clairee: We'll sell t-shirts sayin' "I SLAPPED OUISER BOUDREAUX!" Hit her!
- Annelle: [in a scared tone] Ms. Clairee, enough!
- Clairee: Ouiser, this is your chance to do something for your fellow man! Knock her lights out, M'Lynn!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: [snatches away] Let go o' me!
- Clairee: M'Lynn, you just missed the chance of a lifetime! Half o' Chiquapin Parish'd give their eye teeth to take a whack at Ouiser!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Yes, Annelle, I pray! Well, I do! There, I said it, I hope you're satisfied.
- Annelle: I suspected this all along!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! Well don't you expect me to come to one of your churches or one of those tent-revivals with all those Bible-beaters doin' God-only-knows-what! They'd probably make me eat a live chicken!
- Annelle: Not on your first visit!
- Clairee Belcher: Very good, Annelle! Spoken like a true smart-ass!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: I am just about at the end of my rope with you.
- Drum: Well, then why don't you tie a noose and slip it 'round your head?
- Ouiser Boudreaux: You are evil, and you must be destroyed.
- Clairee Belcher: Mother Nature's taking care of that faster than you could.
- Drum: Ouiser you look like hammered shit.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Don't you talk to me like that!
- Drum: Oh, I'm sorry. You look like regular shit.
- Clairee Belcher: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton this morning at the Piggly Wiggly, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I couldn't help myself.
- Annelle: We are in the house of the Lord!
- Clairee Belcher: Oh like she cares. Ousier's never done a religious thing in her life.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Now that is not true. When I was in school, a bunch of my friends and I would dress up as nuns and go bar-hoppin'.
- Clairee Belcher: The older you get, the sillier you get.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Yeah, well the older you get, the uglier you get.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free. And I don't see movies 'cause they're trash, and they got nothin' but naked people in 'em! And I don't read books, 'cause if they're any good, they're gonna make 'em into a miniseries.
- Ouiser Boudreaux: I should have never said that in front of Shelby.
- Clairee: Ouiser no one pays any attention to you.
- M'Lynn: Oh Ouiser, Drum would NEVER point a gun at a lady!
- Ouiser Boudreaux: Oh! He's a real gentleman! I bet he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!