Matthew Modine credited as playing...
Drake Goodman
- Carter Hayes: [to Drake] You're a very brave and stupid man.
- [Drake turned to Carter]
- Carter Hayes: What are you doing, Drake? You can't come in here.
- Drake Goodman: Listen, Carter. It's no big deal. I just want to go upstairs and see Patty, okay?
- Carter Hayes: But you're breaking the law, Drake.
- Drake Goodman: W... wait a minute.
- [Carter shot Drake once and twice at his left arm. Hayes then plants a crowbar at the scene to prevent any criminal charges. Drake grunting]
- Drake Goodman: [Referring to the house] Whatta yuh think?
- Dennis Reed: 750 grand, hunh? It's not a song - it's an opera.
- Drake Goodman: [as they are house painting] You have to remember this is an investment, Patty. You can't afford to do everything at once.
- Patty Palmer: It's not just an investment - it's our home.
- [In court in the lawsuit hearing, the Honorable Judge Mitchell Black hands over the case file to the bailiff. And return it to the attorney Stephanie MacDonald]
- Judge Mitchell Black: In answer to your suit against him, Mr. Hayes has submitted to the court affidavits A and B confirming plaintive's attempted unlawful eviction of a Mr. Hayes on the 15th of last May.
- Drake Goodman: [Talk quietly to Stephanie] No, I turned his gas and electricity off. There's a policeman...
- Stephanie MacDonald: Your Honor, my client and I...
- Judge Mitchell Black: Miss MacDonald, I assume you have received these documents?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Yes, I have just received them, Your Honor. I think there's been a mix up.
- Judge Mitchell Black: I think the law is quite clear on this point, don't you? Mr. Hayes is entitled to a reduction of rent due to uninhabitability caused by Mr. Goodman's misguided attempt to force him from the premises by disconnecting his utilities.
- [the decision]
- Judge Mitchell Black: Court rules for the defendant, Carter Hayes. Let the records show that according to the lease, Mr. Hayes's legal cost to be paid by the plaintiff.
- Stephanie MacDonald: Your Honor, I would like to ask for a 10-minute postponement.
- Judge Mitchell Black: Miss MacDonald, I see you have other cases before this court today. I hope you're better prepared for them. I assumed you'll wanna cooperate with the bench now in keeping things moving?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Yes, sir.
- [Gavel thuds. Drakes explains to Patty]
- Drake Goodman: That's it?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Why didn't you tell me you tried to force him out?
- Drake Goodman: I didn't think it mattered.
- Stephanie MacDonald: You set us back months.
- Drake Goodman: He's lying!
- Stephanie MacDonald: This guy has been playing you like a piano concerto.
- Drake Goodman: Me? What about you? I got a guy livin' in my building who hasn't paid one cent! Not only can't you get him out, but now I owe him money?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Maybe you'd like to retain another attorney.
- [Stephanie McDonald walks away. And Patty Palmer has to stop her and give her a minute to talk]
- Patty Palmer: Stephanie.
- [sighs]
- Patty Palmer: Please don't quit. Drake's been under a lot of pressure. The bank is threatening to foreclose on us.
- Stephanie MacDonald: This isn't a moral question, Patricia. Morally, you're right. You win. Big deal. This is a game and the object of the game is to get Hayes out of your building before he destroys your lives. He knows you're gonna get him out eventually. He's just trying stay there as long as he can.
- Patty Palmer: Why?
- Stephanie MacDonald: I don't know! Because it's possible. Because he's evil. What difference does it make? It's nothing personal. God forbid he ever makes it personal.
- Carter Hayes: Mr. Palmer, right?
- Drake Goodman: Goodman. Drake Goodman.
- Carter Hayes: Sorry. Very good.
- Drake Goodman: Hi.
- Carter Hayes: Hi, I'm Carter Hayes. I stopped by a couple weeks ago and spoke with your wife about renting the studio apartment.
- Drake Goodman: My--my girlfriend.
- Carter Hayes: Oh, your girlfriend? Oh sorry. We don't wanna rush anything, do we? I assume it's still available?
- Drake Goodman: Yes, it is. Um..
- Carter Hayes: Is Patty here? I don't wanna keep you if you've got...
- Drake Goodman: No, it's no problem. You know, I'm taking care of the rentals. Did she show you the apartment?
- Carter Hayes: No. No, I'd like to take a look at it, if I might.
- Drake Goodman: Oh, good. Yeah, we can go this way.
- Carter Hayes: Listen, is it all right if I leave my car here?
- Drake Goodman: Yeah.
- Carter Hayes: Thanks.
- [Overlooking the studio apartment]
- Carter Hayes: boy, you've done a beautiful job here.
- Drake Goodman: Thank you. It's taken just about every cent we've got.
- Carter Hayes: Yeah. I'll bet. I love these old victorians. My grandmother, my father's mother, I guess it was, grew up in a mansion in Pacific Heights.
- Drake Goodman: Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?
- Carter Hayes: Uh, Broadway and, uh.. I don't know. I don't know. They tore it down. I'd never actually been there but I've seen the photographs, you know, and I'd heard all the stories. Boy, can you imagine what the piece of real estate would be worth today, huh?
- Drake Goodman: Well, you know, we all gotta start somewhere.
- Carter Hayes: Yeah. Is this your first place?
- Drake Goodman: Yes it is.
- Carter Hayes: You and your, uh, girlfriend went in on it together?
- Drake Goodman: Yeah. You know, partners.
- Carter Hayes: Yeah. It's hard, isn't it?
- Drake Goodman: Well, it's the first time we've lived together. It's working, though. Not to mention the rent we're saving.
- Carter Hayes: When can I move in, Drake?
- Drake Goodman: Oh, well, I just have to have you fill out an application...
- Carter Hayes: You know I'd like to, if you don't mind, pay you the first six months in advance.
- Drake Goodman: Right. I still need you to get this...
- Carter Hayes: I may even have it on me. Uh, the reason for the six months is I travel a lot in my business and I'm in and out of the country so I can't always guarantee that I'll be here first of the month. Damn. I've only got about $2,900 on me. How about if I pay you 2,000 now and then of course, I could pay you the rest next week. Or I could wire you the entire amount, which would be 70...
- Drake Goodman: 7,500.
- Carter Hayes: 7,500 from my bank at San Antonio.
- Drake Goodman: Um, you know, I'm sorry, I still have to get this application filled out. It's just a formality.
- Carter Hayes: Yeah. It's a credit history, that sort of thing.
- Drake Goodman: Yeah. Um..Is there a problem?
- Carter Hayes: Well, no. It's just that I work for a private trust and the trust pays me my expenses and my salary. They pay my bank cards, my room and board, et cetera. So I don't really have that traditional kind of credit. You understand?
- Drake Goodman: Um, could I verify the trust?
- Carter Hayes: Well, see, I'm bound by client confidentiality. I mean, they're a prominent family, and they've got interests worldwide. Boy, believe me, I would if I could. Let me think. I'm always running into this problem, you know? Do you have a phone?
- Drake Goodman: Yeah upstairs.
- Carter Hayes: You know, better yet, I'll tell you what. Why don't I give you some local personal references? Or you can call the trust private attorney, Bennett Fidlow.
- Drake Goodman: Yeah, okay. A previous landlord.
- Carter Hayes: [pulls out a pen] I got it. Yeah, I hope you don't mind calling out of town. I don't think you'll have a problem.
- Drake Goodman: I don't care if he comes through with the money now or not. I just want him out. No harm, no foul. He leaves right away, he doesn't owe us anything. Goodbye. Good riddance.
- [the intercom buzzes]
- Patty Palmer: Now what?
- Drake Goodman: Jesus.
- [Answers the intercom]
- Drake Goodman: Yes, who is it?
- Warning Cop: San Francisco Police Department.
- Drake Goodman: They were doing construction at two-fucking-30 in the morning! They won't answer the door! I can't use my key to get in, because they've changed all the fucking locks!
- Warning Cop: I don't appreciate foul language, sir.
- Carter Hayes: Officer, may I say something? My friend is a sculptor, and he was working a little late last night. I'm very sorry if he kept anyone up.
- Drake Goodman: Bullshit!
- Warning Cop: You back off!
- Drake Goodman: Look, he hasn't even paid his rent! Ask him!
- Carter Hayes: Apparently, there has been a mix up in the wire transfer of my money to San Francisco, I'm sorry.
- Drake Goodman: They've moved in there, they've changed all the locks, so I can't see what he and his little buddy are destroying.
- Carter Hayes: I've signed the lease.
- Drake Goodman: He hasn't paid the rent! Or even a security fucking deposit!
- Patty Palmer: Drake, take it easy.
- Drake Goodman: Look, I can handle this, Patty!
- Patty Palmer: Fine.
- Carter Hayes: Listen, listen, listen. I understand why Mr Goodman is upset. His bank lost my money, I was out of town. The man's caught in the middle. I don't even wanna file a complaint. But I don't understand why he wouldn't wanna give me the opportunity to straighten things out, unless he's found somebody he'd rather rent to.
- Drake Goodman: This is such bullshit!
- Patty Palmer: Oh, come on!
- Warning Cop: Look, let's take a walk, come on. Now!
- Drake Goodman: I just want the guy to pay his rent!
- Warning Cop: Come on. Cool it down.
- Drake Goodman: What? What?
- Warning Cop: What you did is against the law
- Carter Hayes: Well my other tenants are-...
- Carter Hayes: Listen, Patty. I'm truly sorry it's come to this. The bank assures me that the money's been sent. I don't think Drake...
- Patty Palmer: I'd like you to not talk to me.
- Warning Cop: Listen to me. Listen.
- Drake Goodman: I just want the guy the hell out of my house!
- Warning Cop: Well, then you better listen to me, or he's gonna be so far up your butt, you're gonna be pickin' him out your nose. Now, I want you to turn back on all the heat and all the power to this man's apartment. You apologize, and you do not, and I emphasize, do not harass him again. Then go out and get yourself a lawyer. Because according to California Civil Code, Mr. Hayes can sue you for this stunt you just pulled. And most likely, he'll win.
- Drake Goodman: He doesn't even have a right to be in the apartment! He hasn't paid the rent!
- Warning Cop: Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? If he's in, he's got rights. That's how it works. And I'll tell you something else, friend. If he decides to fight an eviction, you're already knee-deep in shit. Get a lawyer.
- [talking on the phone]
- Drake Goodman: No, thank you. I've left my number before and Mr Fidlow has never returned my phone call.
- Woman on phone: What was that name again?
- Drake Goodman: Carter Hayes. H-A-Y-E-S. I've left you all this information before!
- Woman on phone: Well, I'm sorry, sir. We do not have a client by that name.
- Drake Goodman: Well, maybe, maybe you can explain to me how it is Mr. Fidlow doesn't know a Carter Hayes when Mr. Hayes, who's locked himself into my goddamn apartment and hasn't paid me any rent, keeps telling me to call his goddamn attorney, Bennett Fidlow in San fucking Antonio, Texas! Hello? Hello!
- [slams the phone]
- Drake Goodman: No, no, no, Mr. Hayes listed Mr. Fidlow as a personal reference on a rental application.
- Woman on phone: I'm sorry. What was that name again?
- Drake Goodman: Carter Hayes.
- Woman on phone: Hayes. Mr. Fidlow only handles...
- Drake Goodman: Ma'am, ma'am. Yes, Mr. Hayes told me that it was a private family trust. This is just a personal reference.
- Woman on phone: Yes, well, he'll have to give you that information himself.
- Drake Goodman: I see, well, when Mr. Fidlow gets the time could you please have him call me?
- Woman on phone: I will. Goodbye.
- Ann Miller: No, no. He was a model tenant. Always paid his rent on time, left the unit spotlessly clean. In fact, I-I think I gave him his whole security deposit back. That was the first time I've ever done that.
- Drake Goodman: So you can definitely recommend Mr. Hayes?
- Ann Miller: I can recommend him to you with no hesitation at all.
- Drake Goodman: Thank you. I'd like to thank you for your time.
- Ann Miller: Listen, um, just out of curiosity, uh, where has Carter moved to, Mister uh... Mister...
- Drake Goodman: Goodman.
- Ann Miller: Mr Goodman. Just--just out of curiosity. Do you --do you have that address?
- Patty Palmer: What about Mr Baker?
- Drake Goodman: What about him?
- Patty Palmer: He was here first.
- Drake Goodman: Well, where's his application? Maybe he's one of those minority scam artists.
- Patty Palmer: What are you talking about?
- Drake Goodman: They try to get you worried about discrimination so you don't check their credit.
- Patty Palmer: That's not what happened.
- Drake Goodman: Some of these people can be pretty shrewd, Patty.
- Patty Palmer: How would you know?
- Drake Goodman: It's not a racial thing. It's just common sense. Look, I spoke to the woman at the bank and she told me that Carter Hayes's income is over $200,000 a year. I've checked him out.
- Patty Palmer: Okay, fine. Then let's rent to him, if you say he's okay.
- Drake Goodman: He's a nice guy. You met him.
- Patty Palmer: When?
- Drake Goodman: Couple of weeks ago. He said he came by and talked to you.
- Patty Palmer: I don't think so.
- Drake Goodman: He knew your name. Why would he say he talked to you if he hadn't?
- Patty Palmer: I don't know.
- Drake Goodman: Look, Patty, I'm just taking up the slack here. I mean, you're worried about the paint and the wallpaper. Somebody's gotta rent these two apartments so we can make next month's mortgage.
- Patty Palmer: You're losing your sense of humor.
- Drake Goodman: No, I'm not.
- Patty Palmer: Yes, you are. You're becoming a crotchety old man with his building. Next thing I know, you're gonna have hair growing out of weird parts of your face and be wandering around with a toilet plunger and griping about property taxes and people who take long showers.
- Drake Goodman: No, I won't.
- Patty Palmer: Yes, you will.
- Drake Goodman: [chuckling] No I won't.
- [He hugs her]
- Drake Goodman: you don't think I can handle this?
- Patty Palmer: Yes, I do.
- [Patty and Drake are home. In the garage, there were Porsche messed around. Patty press button clicks and the music stops the radio that turned off. Drake is jealous. Wood clatters]
- Patty Palmer: Drake!
- Drake Goodman: Son of a bitch!
- Patty Palmer: Stop it!
- [Drake has been gone mad. Clattering and clanging]
- Patty Palmer: Drake, stop! Stop it, Drake!
- Drake Goodman: What? What?
- Patty Palmer: Damn it!
- Patty Palmer: What is happening to you?
- Drake Goodman: I want him out of here!
- [Patty sobs in tears. Patty slams the door shut in the car. And she heads straight upstairs to her room. Metal clunks. Drake breathes heavily]
- Stephanie MacDonald: He's taken possession. So, whether he signed a lease, or whether he paid you money or not, he's legally your tenant now. And he's protected by laws that say you have to go to court and prove that he deserves to be evicted. However, the net effect of these laws is to protect any pointy-headed cretin who moves into your property, and slowly drives you bankrupt and insane.
- Patty Palmer: So, what do we do?
- Stephanie MacDonald: I can take on the case.
- Stephanie MacDonald: What are our chances of winning?
- Stephanie MacDonald: No guarantees. My base fee for an uncontested case is $250. We charge $90 an hour thereafter, and a minimum of $360 for any court appearances.
- Patty Palmer: How long will it take?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Uncontested, six to eight weeks. If he contests? Six to eight months, worst case. And then you have to go after him in court again to collect.
- Drake Goodman: Wouldn't it just be a lot easier to throw him out?
- Stephanie MacDonald: Easy and wrong. This is the process, folks. There aren't any shortcuts. I need a description of Hayes for Mr. Revilla, my process server, and I need the key to your front door.
- Drake Goodman: Hello.
- Patty Palmer: Oh, good. I'm so glad you're home.
- Drake Goodman: You're not. where are you? You went after him, didn't you?
- Patty Palmer: Absolutely. Look, I don't have much time and I need you to help me, okay? Call and cancel all your credit cards. Hayes is using duplicates with your name on it.
- Drake Goodman: [scoffs] Great.
- Patty Palmer: Then call the bank and put a hold on our checking account.
- Drake Goodman: Why?
- Patty Palmer: There's a 24-hour hotline. I think the numbers on top of...
- Drake Goodman: On top of the last bank statement, I know. What are you doing?
- Patty Palmer: Something that's gonna make us feel really good.
- Drake Goodman: Well, be careful.
- Patty Palmer: I'll be back tonight. Bye.
- Exterminator: The San Francisco roach is generally German, or Oriental in derivation. With your Krauts edging out your rice grinders in the overall disgustingness factor. I think these were American.
- Drake Goodman: How are we supposed to pay for this? We're 1,100 dollars short this month!
- Patty Palmer: Don't yell at me! If we don't do it, MacDonald says we lose the eviction. We can't afford that, either. Maybe we should borrow money for this.
- Drake Goodman: No! No, we're not gonna borrow money.
- Patty Palmer: This is stupid! We should just let this building go!
- Drake Goodman: Oh, okay. Fine! You can do whatever you want. I'm not letting this jerk chase me out of my own property.
- Exterminator: It's that promiscuity factor that makes it hard to hammer down. I'll be using your chlorpyrifos and pyrethrin in a high pressure injection system. I've also got the RSU.
- Drake Goodman: What's that?
- Exterminator: Roach Sucking Unit. it's just a backup.
- [Opens the kitchen sink and sees them crawling everywhere]
- Exterminator: Oh.
- [He starts spraying them]
- Exterminator: They're coming in from next door! Oh, shit!
- [They crawl out of the kitchen sink and he starts stomping on them]
- Exterminator: Call reinforcements. Holy shit.
- [Uses the RSU]
- Exterminator: They're probably camped out in the other apartment. If we go at it from over there, we have a better chance of containment.
- Drake Goodman: What if we can't?
- Exterminator: Get a whole bunch of little tiny leashes and pretend they're pets!
- [Drake is drinking and getting drunk]
- Patty Palmer: Drake? Drake! Drake?
- Drake Goodman: What?
- Patty Palmer: Oh, god? I almost ran over that guy from downstairs. I thought maybe you gotten in a fight with him.
- Drake Goodman: They've got our cat down there. And there, uh, breeding roaches. Apparently, screwing people over is just a job to them.
- Patty Palmer: What are you talking about?
- Drake Goodman: Isn't that the best? I mean, our life is coming apart and this son of a bitch thinks it's business as usual.
- Patty Palmer: Oh, Drake.
- Drake Goodman: This is what he does for a living.
- Patty Palmer: You're drunk.
- Drake Goodman: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Patty Palmer: What?
- Drake Goodman: You'll like this, too.
- [Shows her a piece of paper]
- Drake Goodman: This was under the door when I came in. It's from the Watanabe's.
- Dennis Reed: All right, all right. Let me just guess what they said. "As much as we'd like to help you, we just can't afford to string out the loan. It wouldn't be fair to us, and it wouldn't be fair to you," right?
- Drake Goodman: Right.
- Dennis Reed: They tell you the bank is pulling for you. That no one wants to foreclose a loan. They tell you that? That's horsepucky. Banker speak.
- Drake Goodman: So, what--what do we do now, Reed?
- Dennis Reed: I can loan you maybe a grand, but that's not gonna help. It's not gonna do it. There are alternative lenders, you know. High interest houses that specialize in burying you.
- Patty Palmer: "Let a smile be your umbrella."
- Drake Goodman: Great
- Patty Palmer: I could start riding again.
- Drake Goodman: Oh, that's a good idea, Patty. You're pregnant with a blown knee. You seriously think that you could ride a horse in compet...
- Dennis Reed: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you pregnant?
- Patty Palmer: My knee is fine and I don't have to be pregnant.
- Drake Goodman: Look, I'm not going to lose you, I'm not going to lose our child and I'm not going to lose our house.
- Patty Palmer: Well, I guess we can just stop worrying now.
- Drake Goodman: Who--who are you?
- Greg: Who are you?
- Drake Goodman: I'm the landlord.
- Greg: Oh. Carter went to Seattle on business. He'll be back on Friday.
- Drake Goodman: Carter was supposed to wire me some money for his rent and his security deposit, it never came.
- Greg: Look, I don't know anything about that. You're gonna have to talk to Carter, okay?
- Drake Goodman: What's your name?
- Greg: Greg.
- Drake Goodman: Greg, listen. If you speak to Carter before Friday, would you please tell him that he's got this problem with his rent and his security deposit...
- Greg: Yeah, well, that sounds like your problem. Okay?
- Drake Goodman: Ask him to call me with the transaction numbers or give them to you to give to me so we can straighten this out.
- Greg: Yeah. I'll be sure to give him the message.
- Bank Teller: I'm sorry, but we have no record of a wire transfer to your account, Mr Goodman.
- Drake Goodman: My tenant assured me the money would be wired today. Bank of Texas. 7,500 dollars. You know, maybe the bank lost the money or got credited to the wrong account?
- Bank Teller: It's doubtful, but I'd need the transaction numbers to tell you anything more. It is possible he never wired the money, Mr Goodman. For his own reasons.
- Drake Goodman: Look, please, just check the account one more time.
- Drake Goodman: So, what do you think?
- Dennis Reed: 750 grand, huh? It's not a song, it's an opera.
- Patty Palmer: Between my savings and Drake's, we can cover the down payment. And the realtor said we could get one of those home equity loans for improvements.
- Dennis Reed: You'd be totally tapped out.
- Patty Palmer: But we'll have rental units.
- Dennis Reed: Well, what if you can't rent them?
- Drake Goodman: Oh, come on. The vacancy rate in this area is less than two percent.
- Dennis Reed: Look, do you want my advice or my approval?
- Drake Goodman: Your advice.
- Patty Palmer: Approval.
- Dennis Reed: Pass. It's too risky a call. I mean, if someone misses one month's rent, you're gonna go down like the Titanic. I don't even--I don't even think you can get approved for the loan at your income level.
- Patty Palmer: We'll fudge the numbers a little.
- Drake Goodman: Yeah. Everybody does it. It's expected.