Leslie Nielsen credited as playing...
Lt. Frank Drebin
- Waiter: Telephone call, commissioner.
- Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Thank you.
- [picks up phone]
- Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Hello?... He did what?... How many animals escaped?... Oh, my God...
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.
- Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?
- [Frank walks away, leaving Commissioner Brumford with an astonished face]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
- Jane Spencer: He's Caucasian.
- Ed Hocken: Caucasian?
- Jane Spencer: Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Awfully big moustache.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: That's the red light district. I wonder why Savage is hanging out down there.
- Captain Ed Hocken: Sex, Frank?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh... no, not right now, Ed. We've got work to do.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Miss, I'm Lt. Frank Drebin, and this is Captain Ed Hocken, Police Squad.
- Busty Female Shop Assistant: Is this some kind of bust?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Well... it's very impressive, yes, but we need to ask you a few questions.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [12:01]
- [describing Jane; voice-over]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: I couldn't believe it was her. It was like a dream. But there she was, just as I remembered her. That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.
- Ed Hocken: Frank, snap out of it! You're looking at her like she was your mother for Christ's sake!
- Quentin Hapsburg: Any final requests, Lieutenant?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Er, yes... Can I have the gun?
- Quentin Hapsburg: Ohh no! I'm not going to fall for that one!
- President George Bush: Frank, I'd like you to consider filling a special post I'm gonna create. It may mean long hours, dangerous nights, and being surrounded by some of the scummiest elements in our society.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: You want me to be in your cabinet?
- President George Bush: No. No! I want you to head up a new federal bureau of Police Squad.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Congratulations, Ed! I hear Edna's pregnant again.
- Ed Hocken: Yeah, and when I find the guy that did it...
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, it's all right. I'm sure that we can handle this situation maturely, just like the responsible adults that we are. Isn't that right, Mr... Poopy Pants?
- [Drebin is suspicious about Dr. Meinheimer]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Have you noticed anything different about him?
- Jane Spencer: Well, only that he's a foot taller, and he seems to be left handed now... Frank, what are you trying to tell me? That Quentin has somehow found an exact double for Dr. Meinheimer and that tomorrow that double will give a fraudulent report to the President?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Why, that's brilliant. That's a lot better than what I came up with.
- [after the explosion, Frank sees two bodies on the verge of death; he confronts one]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Where is Hapsburg?
- Explosion Thug #1: [groans in pain]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Where were you hit?
- Explosion Thug #1: It's not that. You're on my groin!
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [gets off] Oh. Sorry. All right, now! Where is he?
- Explosion Thug #1: You're too late. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In... In...
- [dies before he continues]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where?
- [drops the first thug]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: All right. Who else is almost dead?
- Explosion Thug #2: [raises his hand]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Okay, now.
- [grabs the 2nd thug]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Talk!
- Explosion Thug #2: You're too late, Drebin.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: He already said that.
- Explosion Thug #2: Where did he leave off?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh, "Hapsburg has plan "B" in...".
- Explosion Thug #2: Oh, yeah. Hapsburg has plan "B" in... In...
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Where? Where? Talk, you low-life scum!
- Explosion Thug #2: Gee. If that's your attitude, forget it!
- [he chokes and dies]
- Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Ladies and gentlemen, I would now like to introduce a most special American. Tonight, he is being honoured for his 1000th drug-dealer killed.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [to applause] Thank you. But, in all honesty, the last three I backed over with my car. Luckily, they turned out to be drug-dealers.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: I'm single! I love being single! I haven't had this much sex since I was a Boy Scout leader!
- [Music stops playing. Everyone stops talking and stares at him]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [to everybody] I mean at the time I was dating a lot.
- [Lt. Frank Drebin and Ed Hocken are in a sex shop making inquiries]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: We're looking for Hector Savage. Where is he?
- Busty Female Shop Assistant: Why should I tell you, copper?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Because I'm the last line of defense between sleaze like this and the decent people of this town.
- [a male shop assistant walks in from a back storeroom]
- Sex Shop Assistant: Oh, hi, Frank. Say, we finally got that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine that you ordered.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [to the Female Assistant; embarassed] It's a gift.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: This is Frank Drebin, Police Squad. Throw down your guns, and come on out with your hands up. Or come on out, then throw down your guns, whichever way you wanna do it. Just remember the two key elements here: one, guns to be thrown down; two, come on out!
- Terence Baggett: [sniffs] What's that smell?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Oh, that would be me. I've been swimming in raw sewage. I love it.
- [louder]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: I love it!
- Ed Hocken: [in a van, listening to Drebin] That's the signal, let's go!
- [Hocken and his men try to open the van's back doors but they can't because it's been parked right next to a telephone pole]
- Quentin Hapsburg: Search him.
- [a henchman starts patting Drebin down]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: I love it!
- Waiter: Sir?
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Gimme the strongest thing you got.
- [Waiter brings over a greased-up muscle man. Drebin flounders]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh... on second thought, how about a black Russian?
- Waiter: Very well sir.
- [raises eyebrow, looks at camera, shakes head and walks off]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: [on phone] Ed, I'm onto something big. I'm gonna need you and Nordberg tomorrow.
- [pause]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: What's he doing in Detroit?
- [pause]
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, send him plane fare and a new pair of pants.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: Hector Savage. From Detroit. Ex-boxer. His real name was Joey Chicago.
- Ed Hocken: Oh, yeah. He fought under the name of Kid Minneapolis.
- Nordberg: I saw Kid Minneapolis fight once. In Cincinnati.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: No you're thinking of Kid New York. He fought out of Philly.
- Ed Hocken: He was killed in the ring in Houston. By Tex Colorado. You know, the Arizona Assassin.
- Nordberg: Yeah, from Dakota. I don't remember it was North or South.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: North. South Dakota was his brother. From West Virginia.
- Ed Hocken: You sure know your boxing.
- Lt. Frank Drebin: All I know is never bet on the white guy.
- [Nordberg nods in agreement]