Michael Caine credited as playing...
Scrooge
- Kermit the Frog: If you please Mr. Scrooge, it's gotten colder, and the bookkeeping staff would like to have an extra shovel full of coal for the fire?
- Rat #1: We can't do the bookkeeping, all our pens have turned to inkcicles!
- Rat #2: Our assets are frozen!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: How would the bookkeepers like to be suddenly... UNEMPLOYED?
- Rats: HEAT WAVE!
- [singing]
- Rats: This is my island in the sun...
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [in the graveyard] Must we return to this place? There is something else that I must know, is that not true? Spirit, I know what I must ask. I fear to, but I must. Who was the wretched man whose death brought so much glee and happiness to others?
- [the spirit points to a headstone, Scrooge begins moving toward it, then turns back, frightened]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Answer me one more question. Are these the shadows of things that *will* be, or are they the shadows of things that *may* be only?
- [the spirit points again at the gravestone, Scrooge slowly approaches it]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: These events can be changed! A life can be made right.
- [he clears the snow from the stone]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [in tears] Ebenezer Scrooge! Oh please, Spirit, no! Hear me, I-I'm not the man I was! Why would you show me this if I was past all hope?
- [sobbing]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: I, I *will* honor Christmas, and try to keep it all the year! I will live my life in the past, the present, and the future. I will not shut out the lessons the spirits have taught me! Tell me that I may sponge out the writing on this stone!
- [kneeling, clutching at the spirit's robe]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh Spirit, please speak to me!
- Jacob Marley: Why do you doubt your own senses?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Because a little thing can affect them. A slight disorder of the stomach can make them cheat. You may be a bit of undigested beef, a blob of mustard, a crumb of cheese. Yes. There's more of gravy than of grave about you.
- Robert Marley: More of gravy than of grave?
- Jacob Marley: What a terrible pun. Where do you get these jokes?
- Robert Marley: Leave comedy to the bears, Ebenezer.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Let us deal with the eviction notices for tomorrow, Mr. Cratchit.
- Kermit the Frog: Uh, tomorrow's Christmas, sir.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. You may gift wrap them.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Bob Cratchit, I've had my fill of this.
- Miss Piggy: And I have had my fill of you, Mr. Scrooge.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, Bob Cratchit...
- Miss Piggy: And therefore, you can leave this house at once.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: And therefore, I'm about to raise your salary!
- Miss Piggy: Ooh, and I am about to raise you right off the pavement...! Pardon?
- Kermit the Frog: Pardon?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Christmas is a very busy time for us, Mr. Cratchit. People preparing feasts, giving parties, spending the mortgage money on frivolities. One might say that December is the foreclosure season. Harvest time for the money-lenders.
- Kermit the Frog: [clears throat] Um, excuse me, Mr. Scrooge, but it appears to be closing time.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Very well. I'll see you at eight tomorrow morning.
- Rats: [whispering] Ask him, ask him.
- Kermit the Frog: Um... um, tomorrow's Christmas.
- Rats: Mm-hmm.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: 8:30, then.
- Kermit the Frog: Oh. Um, if you please, sir, half an hour off hardly seems customary for Christmas Day.
- Rats: No, no.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: How much time off *is* customary, Mr. Cratchit?
- Kermit the Frog: Uh... why, um, the, uh, whole day.
- Rats: Yeah, yeah.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [appalled] The entire day?
- Rats: No, no. It's the frog's idea.
- Kermit the Frog: If you please, Mr. Scrooge, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed. You'll have no one to do business *with*. Uh, it'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire.
- Rats: Yeah. That's *definitely* a point.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th.
- [rats groan]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: But as I seem to be the only person around who knows that... take the day off.
- [rats cheer; Scrooge stands up and goes for his hat; glares at the rats]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Will you *stop that*?
- [rats stop cheering and leave]
- Kermit the Frog: Uh... thank you, Mr. Scrooge.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [steps outside and closes the door] Be here all the earlier the next morning.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Let us see another Christmas in this place.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: They were all very much the same. Nothing ever changed.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: You changed.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: I do not make merry myself for Christmas.
- Fred: That is certainly true.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: And I cannot afford to make idle people merry.
- Fred: That is certainly *not* true!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Don't you have other things to do this afternoon, my dear nephew?
- Fred: Sadly, I do, Uncle. So I shall make my donation and, uh, leave you to make yours.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: This is Bob Crachit's house?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: How do you know that?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: You just told me.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Well, I'm *usually* trustworthy.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Spirit, show me no more. Why do you delight in torturing me?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: I told you, these are the shadows of the things that have been. That they are what they are, do not blame me.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Leave me!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [Having just watched the Cratchits mourning Tiny Tim, addresses the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come] Oh, spirit, must there be a Christmas that brings this awful scene?
- [Voice breaking]
- Ebenezer Scrooge: How can we endure it?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: What right have you to be merry? You're poor enough.
- Fred: What right have you to be dismal? You're rich enough.
- Rizzo the Rat: He's got 'im there. The old boy's speechless!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: If I could work my will, every idiot who goes around with "Merry Christmas" on his lips would be cooked with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!
- Rizzo the Rat: Well, not quite speechless.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: I don't think I've ever met anybody like you before.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: Really? Over 1800 of my brothers have come before me!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: 1800? Imagine the grocery bills!
- Robert Marley: You will be haunted by three spirits.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Haunted? I've already had enough of that.
- Jacob Marley: Without these visits, you cannot hope to avoid the path we tread.
- Robert Marley: Expect the first ghost tonight, when the bell tolls one!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Can't I meet them all at once and get it over with?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: What business has brought you here?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Your welfare.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Heh, a night's unbroken rest might aid my welfare.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Your salvation, then.
- Kermit the Frog: If you please sir, why open the office tomorrow? Other businesses will be closed; there'll be no one to do business with. It'll waste a lot of expensive coal for the fire!
- Rats: Yeah!
- Ebenezer Scrooge: It's a poor excuse for picking a man's pocket every December the 25th. But as I seem to be the only man who knows that... take the day off.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: You're a little absent-minded, spirit.
- Ghost of Christmas Present: No, I'm a LARGE absent-minded spirit!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: There was of course, another Christmas Eve with this young woman. Some years later.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Oh please... do not show me that Christmas.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Pardon me, gentlemen, but about the charity donation you asked me for yesterday. Put me down for...
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: [Scrooge whispers in his ear] That much?
- Ebenezer Scrooge: Not a penny less. A great many back payments are included in it, I assure you.
- Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Oh, my goodness, I don't know what to say. I just wish there was something we could give you.
- Ebenezer Scrooge: [touched, as Beaker gives him his scarf] A gift? A gift for me? Thank you. Thank you. Fifty times! And a merry Christmas.