Cracker (1993–1996)
Robbie Coltrane: Dr. Edward 'Fitz' Fitzgerald
Photos
Quotes
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Teacher : Please don't smoke sir, this is a school.
Fitz : That's where I started.
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Fitz : So - you don't drink, you don't smoke, and you don't gamble. What do you do then? C'mon Michael, there must be something for you to confess! A little wank on the sofa during Baywatch isn't a mortal sin!
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[Fitz is arguing with his son in the express line]
Old Woman : Er, eight items!
Fitz : [Turns around] I've GOT eight items!
Old Woman : No you haven't!
Fitz : [sighs with exasperation] Three bottles of whiskey constitutes one item.
Old Woman : Three items!
Fitz : ONE item! Two loaves of bread constitutes one item. Two dozen eggs constitutes one item!
Old Woman : Two, and two...
Fitz : Six frozen lasagnas constitutes one item!
Old Woman : SIX?
Fitz : Four Cornish pasties constitutes one item!
Old Woman : [to the cashier] Could you call the supervisor, please-?
Fitz : And three steak-and-kidney BASTARD pies also constitutes ONE BLOODY ITEM!
[the check stand's alarm starts ringing]
Fitz : Oh, for God's sake...
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Priest : It must be hard to maintain that level of cynicism, Dr. Fitzgerald.
Fitz : Not at all, Father. It must be hard to maintain that level of faith.
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Fitz : I drink too much, I smoke too much, I gamble too much. I *am* too much.
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[after Penhaligon pours a jug of water over him]
Fitz : Anglo-Saxon Foreplay. Go up to my bedroom my dear. If I'm not up in half an hour, get along without me.
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[on two Skinheads' urinary habits]
Fitz : You're the artistic kind - it goes everywhere. You're the Luke Skywalker type - straight like a lazer beam. I can't help but take a look - people usually find it disgusting ...
Skinhead : You looking for a broken nose, pal?
Fitz : Yeah, You know someone who can give me one, pal?
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Penhaligon : To be left at the airport, Fitz, that's one thing. But to be left by a big, fat, egocentric, middle-aged man, well, that's a different thing altogether.
Fitz : I didn't mind the big.
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Fitz : Think of testicles!
Penhaligon : I do nothing but!
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DS Jimmy Beck : He's throwin' fits, Fitz!
Fitz : I'm in custody, CUSTODY!