Quotes

The Nanny

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C.C.: Seriously, Niles, where do you keep all that cash?
Niles: Someplace you'll never get near.
C.C.: Oh, your mattress.
Niles: No.
[pointing at Mr. Sheffield]
Niles: His.

Max: Niles, I don't know what the woman wants anymore! What am I supposed to do?
Niles: May I speak freely, sir?
Max: Yes, of course old boy.
Niles: [with rising irritation as he speaks, making Max back up] I am so bloody sick of hearing this year after year! 'Niles, what am I to do?', 'I told her I loved her!' 'I took it back!', 'I'm afraid of commitment', 'I'm worried about the children'
Niles: [Max has fallen onto the office couch. Niles hauls him up by the lapels] For God's sake, MAKE A MOVE! DO SOMETHING! YOU PASSED ON 'CATS', DO YOU WANT TO REGRET THIS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE TOO?
[lets him fall back onto the couch, stunned]
C.C.: [storms out and meets C.C. in the hall] What's going on in there?
Niles: Oh, I have had it! I am trying to convince him to give up on Miss Fine and move on with his life!
C.C.: [barges into the office] I AGREE WITH NILES! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? JUST DO IT, DO IT, DO IT!
[Niles walks away smugly]

C.C.: I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
Niles: You'd have to be dead six months to fit in it.

[Niles is dancing bombastically and singing into his duster. CC enters unexpectedly]
Niles: You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.

C.C.: I feel like I have died and gone to heaven.
Niles: I have that dream, too, but you go in the other direction.

C.C.: [to Niles] Don't you have something to dust?
Niles: How about the left side of your bed?

Fran: Question. When they shot Bambi's mother, did you find that a sad moment... at all?
C.C.: I'm sure she's mounted on a nice wall in a fine home somewhere.

C.C.: I couldn't put a foot out of bed this morning.
Niles: Did someone put a rock on your coffin again?

[after spraying Maxwell's leather couch]
Niles: I couldn't resist the infomercial, sir. "Unwanted dirt just slides right off!"
[C.C. slips off the chair]
Niles: And voila!

Brighton Sheffield: Niles, this steak is tough.
Niles: So is life. Then you die.

Niles: How do you do, Tiz Maylor? I'm Biles, the nutler.

Val: The bank robber took your mother.
Fran: Oh, my god! That poor man!

Mr. Sheffield: Miss Fine, what are you doing here?
Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it.

Fran: By the way, Niles, what is your family name?
Niles: It's just Niles... Like Cher.

Theme: She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens, 'til her boyfriend kicked her out in one of those crushing scenes. What was she to do? Where was she to go? She was out on her fanny. So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door. She was there to sell make-up, but the father saw more. She had style! She had flair! She was there. That's how she became the Nanny! Who would have guessed that the girl we've described, was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? Now the father finds her beguiling-watch out C.C.!-, and the kids are actually smiling-such joie de vivre!-. She's the lady in red when everybody else is wearing tan. The flashy girl from Flushing, the nanny named Fran!

Mr. Sheffield: Can you keep a secret?
Niles: Well, I'm good until I meet the next person.

[Fran and Sylvia are held hostage by a bank robber]
Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring!
Fran: Ma, he's a thief!
Sylvia: [emphatically] Who'll be worth *millions* in a few minutes.

Sylvia: Do I smell banana fritters with fresh fruit compote?
Niles: No.
Sylvia: Could I?

Mr. Sheffield: He can't make you happy.
Fran: I don't wanna be happy. I wanna be married!

Max: Where the devil is C.C.?
Niles: Well, Sir, it is raining outside... maybe she melted?
[pause]
Niles: Shall I look outside for a pointy hat and Chanel suit?

Max: Accidents happen, you know.
Niles: [points at C.C] Exhibit A.

[Fran has accidentally run over a rabbit]
Max: It's not like rabbits are endangered species. All they do is mate.
Fran: Well, aint that nice. I killed an animal with a better social life than me.

C.C.: Do you know what makes me feel better when I'm sad?
Fran: A fifth of scotch and a pack of batteries?

Grandma Eloise: [to C.C] Are you single by choice?
Niles: Yes, but not hers.

[C.C. sees Maxwell's new girlfriend who is just like Fran]
C.C.: Good God. It's multiplying.

C.C.: I'll never get to the airport on time.
Niles: That's true, sir, she needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane.

Sylvia Fine: Yetta! These aren't Fran's children! Fran doen't have any children! She's not married, SHE'S ALL ALONE!
Fran: Louder, Ma, I don't think they heard you IN URUGUAY!

C.C.: I find it very unseemly of Maxwell to start dating again. Isn't the customary period of mourning 10 years?
Niles: Die. Let's find out.

Niles: Oh, what are you doing here, the sun is up.

C.C.: I find I can catch more flies with honey.
Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out.

Max: [drinking a hangover-remedy] Urgh, Niles, it's far too early in the morning for something this repulsive.
Niles: [C.C. enters; Niles walks up to her] Mr. Sheffield wants you to go home and come back in an hour.

Max: [Fran is standing at the door, waiting for a celebrity she isn't allowed to meet] Miss Fine!
Fran: I'm seeing the children off to school.
Max: They left an hour ago!
Fran: It's a clear day, I can see forever.

Max: Niles, we're having company!
Niles: [to Fran] Thirty years and he still thinks company excites me.

C.C.: You are a pathetic excuse for a man.
Niles: Ditto!

C.C.: What is this un-natural obsession Maxwell has with his children? I can count the number of days I spent with my father on one hand.
Niles: Seven?

C.C.: What's Maxwell doing in London?
Niles: One would hope, Miss Fine.

Niles: You know, the next time you give your clothes away, why don't you just stay in them?

Max: Oh Niles, what is it this time? Your job, your weight, no future?
Niles: Well, Sir, I was just wondering why I have no social life but you cleared that right up for me.

Nigel Sheffield: I hope you don't mind me telling you one more time just how, how sexy you are.
Fran: Nope, still diggin' it.

[Talking about Fran's new apartment full of homosexual men]
Maggie: Are there a lot of cute guys at your new apartment?
Fran: Oh, yeah, they're walking right out of the closets.

Fran: As appealing as Hepatitis sounds, yellow's just not my color.

Fran: You know, I've got half a mind...
Max: No argument there!

C.C.: I'll bet my reputation on it!
Niles: Sorry, there's a five dollar minimum.

[repeated line]
Mr. Sheffield: [yells angrily] MISS FINE!

Grace 'Gracie' Sheffield: Look Fran, giant Barbie Dolls.
Fran: No Honey, these toys are for boys.

Max: I'm going to ask Fran to sign a prenuptial agreement.
Niles: [deadpan] Why don't you just walk through downtown Iraq dressed like Uncle Sam. It'll be quicker.

C.C.: Me and Max have rented a cottage right by the lake.
Niles: How convenient, Sir, should you choose to drown yourself.

C.C.: Oh, it is so pathetic, Nanny Fine thinking she could win a kissing contest. I mean kissing is an art, it has to be sensuous, deeply felt, and most of all, spontaneous.
[C.C. kisses Niles]
Niles: Was it as bad for you as it was for me?

Max: If I found a woman who loved my children, could make me laugh and that I found attractive, well, I'd never let her go.
[puts his arm around Fran's shoulders and gets his watch caught on her]
Fran: Oh, we're stuck on each other.

C.C.: This isn't a typical night.
Niles: Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching "Sisters".

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