Mel Brooks credited as playing...
Rabbi Tuckman
- Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
- King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
- [hands the rabbi his sword]
- King Richard: Hold this, Father.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
- King Richard: Whatever.
- [tilts Maid Marian and gives her a very long kiss]
- Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
- King Richard: Now...
- [voice squeaking]
- King Richard: *you* may marry them!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
- King Richard: Sword.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.
- Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
- [clears their throats, trying to act macho]
- Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
- Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
- Robin Hood: I am Robin of Loxley.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Loxley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Loxley and Bahgel! It can't miss!
- Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
- Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!
- Robin Hood: A moyel. I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
- Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
- Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
- Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
- Little John: I'll take one!
- Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!
- Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?
- Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.
- [demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
- [releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Who's first?
- [groans from the Merry Men]
- Little John: I changed me mind!
- Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.
- Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...
- [Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
- Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.
- Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
- [Merry Men snicker]
- Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
- Merry Men: Awwwww...
- Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
- [drunk]
- Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!
- Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
- Merry Men: [Cheer]
- Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
- Robin Hood: I do.
- Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?
- Maid Marian: I do.
- Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...
- King Richard: I object!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?
- Robin Hood: Hey, Rabbi!
- Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
- Robin Hood: It is I, Robin! We wish to get married in a hurry!
- Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's wonderful! Wait, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
- [goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
- Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. It'll be fine.
- [walking to Robin]
- Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the bris.
- Rabbi Tuckman: I've just come from Maid Marian! The lady whose heart you stole, you Prince of Thieves, you! I knew her mother and father before they were taken in the plague. Lord and Lady Bagelle. You know you were meant for each other. You and Maid Marian. What a combination! Locksley and Bagelle! You can't miss!