Richard Lewis: Prince John

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

Prince John

Robin Hood: I've come to warn you that if you do not stop levying these evil taxes, I shall lead the good people of England in a revolt against you.
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
[referring to the then-recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]

Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
[hysterically]
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!

Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.

King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh, please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Blinkin, Ahchoo, Scarlet, Little John, Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
[to the crowd]
King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Johns!
[the crowd cheering]
Prince John: [yelling] NO!
King Richard: Take him away!
[the Merry Men began to grabbing Prince John]
Prince John: No, wait, wait!
King Richard: Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.

Sheriff of Rottingham: Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
Prince John: I have a MOLE?

Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?

Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.

Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
[runs away]
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.

Prince John: What can you tell me about Robin of Loxley?
Latrine: Robin of Loxley? Robin of Loxley? Hmm, let me see.
[starts cooking up a potion in her cauldron]
Latrine: Raven's egg! Blood of a hen! A little more blood, yes! Eyeballs of a crocodile! Testicles of a newt! I bet he's a transsexual now! Robin of Loxley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble.
Prince John: Are you certain?
Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch! Me, I'm just your cook.
[serves contents of the cauldron]
Latrine: Here, eat that.

Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!

Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Herald: WHAT?
Prince John: Shut up!

Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!

Robin Hood: [flirting with Marian] Rumors of your beauty have traveled far and wide, yet I see they hardly do you justice.
Prince John: [to Rottingham, under his breath] Quite a smoothie. He's definitely a smoothie.

Robin Hood: I lost! I lost? Wait a minute, I'm not supposed to lose! Let me see the script.
[Pulls out his script and finds the archery scene]
Robin Hood: Wait! I get another shot?
Maid Marian: Does Robin get another shot?
Sheriff of Rottingham, Prince John: [Pulling out their copies of the script] Yes, he does, he does.