David Krumholtz: Bernard

The Santa Clause

Bernard

Bernard: What's all this boo-hooin' going on here?
[to Neil, who suddenly backs away from him]
Bernard: Hey, how are you doing?
Scott: Nothing, Bernard. I'm just saying good-bye to Charlie.
Bernard: What good-bye? Charlie, you've still got the glass ball I gave you, right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Bernard: Well, all you've got to do is shake it, whenever you want to see your dad.
Charlie: [his face lights up] Really?
Bernard: He can come back to see you anytime, day or night. Hey, have i ever steered ya wrong?

Scott Calvin: Why not? What if don't buy any of this Santa Clause thing? What if I choose not to believe it?
[a dead silence falls upon the workshop]
Bernard: Then there would be millions of disappointed children around the world. You see, children hold the spirit of Christmas within their hearts. You don't wanna be responsible for killing the spirit of Christmas, now would you... Santa?

Scott Calvin: Look, I am not Santa Claus! Ahhh!
Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. And putting on their hat and jacket, you accepted the contract.
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit, you said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject for the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin: The Santa Claus? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause the clause.
Scott Calvin: What?
Bernard: You're a businessman, right? Okay, a clause as in the last line of the contract.
Bernard: [Scott looks confused] You got the card? Okay look.
[Reads what the I.D. card says]
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy.
Scott Calvin: That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
[the other elves ooh]

Bernard: Did you or did you not read the card?
Scott Calvin: Yeah, I read the card.
Bernard: Then you're the new Santa. In putting on the hat and jacket you accepted the contract.
Scott Calvin: What contract?
Bernard: The card in the Santa suit. You said you read it, right? So when you put on the suit, you fell subject to the Santa Clause.
Scott Calvin: The "Santa Claus"? Oh, you mean the guy that fell off my roof?
Bernard: No, no, no, not Santa Claus, the person. Santa Clause, the clause.
Scott Calvin: What?
Bernard: Look, you're-- you're a businessman, right?
Scott Calvin: Yeah.
Bernard: Okay, a *clause*, as in the last line of a contract.
[Scott still doesn't understand]
Bernard: You got the card?
Scott Calvin: Oh!
Bernard: [holds the card under a magnifying glass revealing very small text along the edges of the card] Okay, look. The Santa Clause: In putting on the suit and entering the sleigh, the wearer waives any and all rights to any previous identity, real or implied, and fully accepts the duties and responsibilities of Santa Claus in perpetuity until such time that wearer becomes unable to do so by either accident or design.
Scott Calvin: What does that mean?
Bernard: It means you put on the suit, you're the big guy!
Scott Calvin: That's ridiculous, I didn't put on a suit to...
Bernard: [shouts] *Try to understand this!*
[the other elves ooh]

Bernard: [witnessing Scott and Charlie's breakup] What's all this boo-hooing goin' on here? Hey, how ya doin'?
Scott Calvin: It's nothin', Bernard. I'm just saying goodbye to Charlie.
Bernard: What goodbye? Charlie, you still got the glass ball, right?
Charlie: Yeah.
Bernard: Well, all you gotta do... is shake it whenever you want to see your dad.
Charlie: Really?
Bernard: He can come back to see you... anytime day or night. Hey, have I ever steered ya wrong?