Michael Kopelow: Joe

The Stöned Age

Joe

Tack: What chick's gonna wanna go out with a krater face?
Joe: Your face will clear up some day man, and who knows, maybe you can meet a chick with an acne problem too. Then you two will have something in common.
Tack: I don't want no chicks with zits, I want fine chicks!

[Crump's brother is kicking down the door and Joe and Hubbs run to hide in the kitchen]
Hubbs: Oh man... Crump's brother is going to kick our ass bad. But it was worth it, eh dude? That chick was rad.
Joe: Uh... yeah, man.
Hubbs: What? You blew it? You didn't go for it?
[Joe looks away]
Hubbs: I should kick your ass myself.

Joe: So you got a plan tonight, or what?
Hubbs: Fuck yeah, I got a plan, man. I got a radically hellacious plan! First, we get a shitload of tall cans, right? Them, an eight-ball... no... quarter O-Z. Fifth of Jack, just to take the edge off, then we spark up the thick, burlacious ganja-bud, get those chicks all horn-dogged out.
Joe: Hubbs, man, we're just gonna do what we always do. We'll drive around like dumb-fucks, then we're gonna wind up at that Stop 'n Go place, man, eatin' those Renaldo's burritos.
Hubbs: Shut up, Joe, fag! You go an attitude problem, man!

Joe: Shit! My Tape! This fuckin' machine just scarfed my tape!
Hubbs: Big shit, man, put in another.
[Don't fear the Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult begins playing]
Hubbs: What the fuck is that?
Joe: It's "Don't fear the Reaper", man.
Hubbs: Hey, you're not playin' that pussy shit in the Blue Torpedo, man. I told you!
Joe: It's Blue Oyster Cult.
Hubbs: I don't give a fuck if it's Blue Oyster Cult, man. It's a pussy song!
Joe: If it's B.O.C., how can it be pussy?
Hubbs: Lemme' tell you something, every band puts out at least one pussy song so they can find out who the faggots are. Now, take it out!
Joe: Fuck you, man!
Hubbs: Fuck me?
[slaps Joe in the chest and puts him in a head lock]
Joe: OW!
Hubbs: It's a pussy song! Say it! It's a pussy song, huh, faggot? Say it! Say it, it's a pussy song!
Joe: Okay, it's a pussy song!
[Joe takes the tape out]
Hubbs: I told you it's a pussy song!

Dad: Where do you get your values? From that stinking heavy metal music you listen to day and night?
Joe: Yeah, that's it, man. It's all the music! You know everything is just fine until we just listen to a couple of heavy metal albums. Then we get all fucked up!

Joe: Shit man! I gotta get that chic's phone number. How do you spell Weijikowokawitz anyway?
Hubbs: What are you gonna fucking call her man? That's the whole point. Shes from up north! You never have to see her again! You didnt even pork her, thank god!
Joe: Hubbs, man. You just dont get it, do you? Man, I was digging on that chic!
Hubbs: What did she have like a great personality? Ahahaha! You're thinking too much pussy!

Joe: What about the bikini you bought her so you could watch her out by the pool and sport wood?

Officer Dean: You guys probably think I'm a real butthead. You think I didn't want to taste a beer when I was your age? Hell, they used to call me "Dixie Cup" Dean.
Joe: Wow... that's... cool.