Christa Miller: Kate O'Brien • Kate O'Brien Carey • Christa Miller • ...

The Drew Carey Show

Kate O'Brien • Kate O'Brien Carey • Christa Miller • Various

[Kate makes an impossible shot during a game of pool]
Drew Carey: I swear you were born in a pool hall.
Kate O'Brien: No, Drew, I told you... I was born in the wagon of a traveling show... Momma used to dance for the money they'd throw.

Kate O'Brien: I can't believe Oswald has a son.
Drew Carey: I know. I feel bad for the kid. You grow up thinking your dad's Neil Armstrong. Instead, you get Forrest Gump.

Kate O'Brien: My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.

Lewis Kiniski: Come on, everybody. Drew can't make bail. If everyone pitches in $10...
[blank stares from bar patrons]
Kate O'Brien: All right, ten bucks to hear about the night I spent in a women's prison!

Kate O'Brien: [Kate is sitting and lighting a piece of paper on fire] I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing mom, before time gets here. I'm just killing *mom*, before *time* gets here. There we go.

Kate O'Brien: Why didn't you just ask me for the money.
Drew Carey: I can't ask you for money. I'm "The Rock".
Kate O'Brien: "The Rock"?
Drew Carey: Yeah. I'm the one that's always stable and reliable. I'm the one who loans money, gives advice and helps you guys out. "The Rock"...
Kate O'Brien: You should be wearing a superhero outfit when you say that.
Drew Carey: Don't mock "The Rock"!

Kate O'Brien: They can't close the Warsaw. That's where I lost my Over-50-Guys virginity.
Drew Carey: You mean your Guys-Over-50 virginity, right?
Kate O'Brien: Uhh... Yeah.

Kate O'Brien: [to Drew] For as long as I can remember, you've been my best friend or my boyfriend. But now, you're nothing. Good-bye.

Kate O'Brien: Oh, my God! How could you lie on the Bible.
Lewis Kiniski: Well, it's simple. I'm a single, 41 year-old janitor. What's God gonna do? Take *that* away from me?

Kate O'Brien: I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Did I get drunk?
Kate O'Brien: We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
Oswald Lee Harvey: But, did I get drunk?

Oswald Lee Harvey: Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
Oswald Lee Harvey: Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
Kate O'Brien: Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
Oswald Lee Harvey: Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.

Lewis Kiniski: Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.
Kate O'Brien: I'll get the food.
Lewis Kiniski: I'll get the beer.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey: Every damn time!

[Drew and Kate are about to have sex for the first time]
Drew Carey: I'm a little nervous.
Kate O'Brien: Me, too. In fact, I'm so nervous, I over freshened a little. I hope you really, really, really like spring rain.
Drew Carey: [laughs] Well, this is it.
Kate O'Brien: Yeah. Think about it, this is the definitive moment of our relationship.
Drew Carey: What do you mean?
Kate O'Brien: Well, everything has been going so well, that the only thing that could ruin it is bad sex.
[pause]
Drew Carey: Well, goodbye erection!

Drew Carey: [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.
Kate O'Brien: That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.
Drew Carey: Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.
Oswald Lee Harvey: [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.