Ian Hardin: Shannon Bell

Cannibal! The Musical

Shannon Bell

George Noon: [interrupting the trappers' gruesome song about the joys of killing animals] Oh, stop!
James Humphrey: That's sick!
Frenchy Cabazon: I agree! Nutter was singing in the wrong key!
Preston Nutter: No I wasn't! It was Loutzenheiser! I was singing in E-flat minor.
Frenchy Cabazon: The song's in F-sharp major!
Shannon Bell: I think they're the same thing. I mean, E flat is the relative major of F sharp.
Frenchy Cabazon: No it isn't! The relative minor is three half-tones DOWN from the major, not up!
George Noon: No, it's three down. Like A is the relative minor of C major.
O.D. Loutzenheiser: But isn't A-sharp in C major?
Shannon Bell: Wait, are you singing mixolydian scales or something?
Frenchy Cabazon: A-sharp is tonic to C major! It's the sixth!
James Humphrey: No, it isn't!
Israel Swan: Well, it would be like a raised 13th if anything.
Frenchy Cabazon: Oh well, you guys are just a bunch of loser diggers anyhow!
James Humphrey: Oh, see, you know we're right!

The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my eye?
Miners: [all scream]
The Cyclops: Are you lookin' at my *eye*?
Miners: [various] No. No. No. Not at all.
The Cyclops: A union army soldier did this to me in the big one. Any of you boys fight for the union army?
Frank Miller: Shucks no!
Shannon Bell: Chucky dang darn!
The Cyclops: So, you the boys been killin' all my sheepies with those traps?
George Noon: Naw! We just now gots here.
The Cyclops: Where are you from?
James Humphrey: Nashville.
The Cyclops: Well, damn! It's good to see some Southern boys! It's been a long time!
[sings]
The Cyclops: Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton, old times there are not forgotten, look away! Look away! Look Awaaaay...
[waits for other to finish]
James Humphrey: ...You stupid yank!
The Cyclops: You ain't southern boys!
Miners: [all scream again and run]

James Humphrey: Wait, you guys. Let me talk to them. I know how to speak Indian.
Shannon Bell: We're gonna die.
James Humphrey: Weep-wah, weep-wah, surro no happo?
Indian #2: Nani itto n jaa, omee?
[What the heck are you saying?]
James Humphrey: He says, "Welcome to the land of blue light."
[Humphrey simultaneously signs "Jesus Christ is dead."]
Indian #2: Omai wa sono uchi, sakana to ishoo ni onemu suru koto ni naru, zo!
[Keep it up and you'll be sleeping with the fishes, see?]
James Humphrey: I am a carpenter, and this is my brother, Tom.
Frank Miller: Humphrey, you are so full of shit!

Frank Miller: Well, haven't you ever heard of the Donner party?
James Humphrey: Yeah, the Donner party! They got stuck in the California mountains.
Alferd Packer: They had to eat each other to stay alive.
[They all glance over at Swan's corpse]
James Humphrey: Well, heck yeah, why not?
Shannon Bell: Wait a minute, Humphrey, you wouldn't even eat your shoes!
James Humphrey: Well yeah, but you put your feet in shoes!

Frank Miller: God you guys make me sick. What is this, a fucking feel good convention?
Shannon Bell: Listen, we have a long journey ahead of us. Its important we all get along. Now, you're hurting people's feelings. Your gunna have to find a more constructive way to express your anger.
Frank Miller: Okay. Well, fuck you! How's that for constructive?
Shannon Bell: That's great, now go to time out Mister.

Shannon Bell: Trials and tribulations, that's what life's all about! Now are we gonna let this one little thing keep us from fulfilling our dreams?
Miners: Yes!
Shannon Bell: Oh, come on now. We've gotta be strong, don't we?
Miners: No!

Voice of Doom: [the miners meet a strange old man] You'll never come back again! It's got a curse on it!
James Humphrey: Provo?
Voice of Doom: The Rocky Mountains! I gotta warn ya... You're doomed! Doomed! Doomed! You're doomed! Doomed! Turn back while you still can! You're doomed! You're all doomed!
[He leaves]
Shannon Bell, Alferd Packer: Thank you.

Israel Swan: I know what we should do: Let's build a snowman, we can make him our best friend!
Frank Miller: Shut the fuck up, Swan!
Israel Swan: [continues singing] We can name him Shannon! Shannon Wilson Bell! We can make him tall, we can make him not so tall...
Frank Miller: SWAN! SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Shannon Bell: [shoots Swan in the head, thus ending the musical number]