Lee Evans credited as playing...
Lars Smuntz
- Lars Smuntz: Well, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with... experience?
- Maury: That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?
- Ernie Smuntz: Mouse-hunting.
- Maury: Ah, all cats are good mousers.
- Ernie Smuntz: Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of 'em, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably one with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin'... one mean pussy.
- Lars Smuntz: Yeah! A vicious cat, difficult to love. You have any of those, knocking about your cages?
- Maury: Funny you should ask. I had given up hope of anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again.
- Lars Smuntz, Ernie Smuntz: Again?
- Lars Smuntz: I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive and left the pit just to mock us!
- Ernie Smuntz: I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that...
- [sees the mouse in his cereal bowl]
- Ernie Smuntz: MOUSE!
- [the mouse is lying helpless in front of Lars and Ernie]
- Lars Smuntz: Look, he's still breathing.
- Ernie Smuntz: Well, kill him! Find a blunt object!
- [Lars grabs a fireplace shovel and raises it over the mouse]
- Ernie Smuntz: Let him have it!
- [Lars tries several times, but can't]
- Ernie Smuntz: What the hell are you waiting for?
- Lars Smuntz: I can't just hit him with a shovel.
- Ernie Smuntz: Why not?
- Lars Smuntz: Well, look at him, he's pathetic!
- Ernie Smuntz: Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie, he's a living thing...
- Ernie Smuntz: Not for long, give me that!
- [He grabs the shovel and tries to whack the mouse, but can't]
- Ernie Smuntz: I CAN'T!
- [He sobs, beating his own forehead with the shovel]
- Ernie Smuntz: Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike!
- Lars Smuntz: We'd better do something quick, I think he's coming to!
- [Cut to Lars and Ernie driving to the Post Office. Ernie is holding a small box addressed "TO FIDEL CASTRO, HAVANA, CUBA." Scratching is heard inside the box, and Ernie raises it to his ear]
- Ernie Smuntz: Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box.
- [Ernie chuckles evilly. At the Post Office, they drop the box through a slot and watch it slide down the mail chute]
- Ernie Smuntz: ¡Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!
- Ernie Smuntz: No capers? But that's just grilled cheese. What's the point? Why don't they eat out of a trough!
- [tapping the bell three times]
- Ernie Smuntz: All right! Which one of you palateless sheep sent my sandwich back?
- Lars Smuntz: [waves] Hi, Ernie!
- Ernie Smuntz: Lars?
- Ernie Smuntz: Shh! He's goin' for the cherries!
- Lars Smuntz: I thought you said mice like Gouda.
- Ernie Smuntz: Not in the morning! Cheese tires them out. They need fruit for energy.
- [first lines]
- Lars Smuntz: [at their father's funeral, they carry his coffin down the steps of a cathedral] Hold your end up higher, you're not holding it.
- Ernie Smuntz: I am too.
- Lars Smuntz: You are not.
- Ernie Smuntz: Don't worry about me. Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?
- Lars Smuntz: No.
- Ernie Smuntz: Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. Couldn't even find a black suit for your own father's funeral.
- Lars Smuntz: It's black.
- Ernie Smuntz: No, I'm sure it's gray.
- Lars Smuntz: It's black.
- Ernie Smuntz: Gray.
- Lars Smuntz: Black.
- Ernie Smuntz: Gray.
- Lars Smuntz: Black!
- Ernie Smuntz: Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.
- Lars Smuntz: It doesn't matter what color it is!
- Ernie Smuntz: Ow!
- [the handle on the coffin breaks off and the coffin slides down the steps]
- Lars Smuntz: I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!
- [the Smuntz Brothers have covered the entire kitchen floor with mousetraps]
- Lars Smuntz: Don't you think this is a little... much?
- Ernie Smuntz: Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him.
- Lars Smuntz: Not bad.
- Ernie Smuntz: Yes, well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack.
- [they get up to leave, only to realize they locked the door and that they are all trapped in with a bunch of loaded mousetraps]
- Ernie Smuntz: [taking off his hat to a female passerby] Hey, Merry Christmas!
- [she drops some change in his hat and keeps walking]
- Ernie Smuntz: Yeah, I was on top once, too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby! Down! No...
- [he brushes off the limo driver and flings the change into a sewer grate]
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie!
- [Lars picks up a coin from the snow]
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there.
- Ernie Smuntz: A quarter? You think so small, Lars. Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, you have no wife, you have no money, you have no discernible talents! How can you ignore that?
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie, it's Christmas. Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we should be thankful for what we *do* have.
- Lars Smuntz: [Ernie's in the hospital after being hit by a bus] Ernie, are you OK? I came as soon as I heard!
- Ernie Smuntz: Why are you wearing a pink overcoat?
- Lars Smuntz: Because April gave us the twelve hundred dollars!
- Ernie and Lars' Lawyer: [reading Rudolph Smuntz's will] "I leave you not just a model factory, but something infinitely more valuable: The future of string... itself."
- [a loud explosion; Ernie parts the blinds of the office window to see string raining down on the factory workers]
- Ernie and Lars' Lawyer: "And thus, it is my dying wish... that my two sons run Smuntz String together."
- Ernie Smuntz: [claps] Great. Let's stick a "for sale" sign on the front lawn and see what we can get.
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie, we're not supposed to sell it. We're supposed to run it, together!
- Ernie Smuntz: Either way, this godforsaken museum piece isn't worth a dime, now, is it, Lars?
- Lars Smuntz: *Some* things are more important than money, *Ernie*.
- Ernie Smuntz: Notice that it's always the financially challenged who say that?
- [Lars stands up]
- Ernie and Lars' Lawyer: [holds out his open palm] Please, please. "I also bequeath to you my personal effects, including... my ceramic egg... half box of Cuban cigars... and--" Oh, yes, yes. "My-my collection of spoons."
- [empties the contents from a box one at a time and sets them down on the table]
- Ernie Smuntz: [sarcastically] My goodness, what a treasure, what a legacy.
- [grabs the spoons]
- Ernie Smuntz: *Spoons*! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time!
- Ernie Smuntz: [after releasing the cat into the house] Well... I almost feel sorry for the little fella.
- [pause]
- Ernie Smuntz, Lars Smuntz: Almost!
- [they laugh and leave]
- Ernie Smuntz: [reading the tag on the side of the cage] "Catzilla"?
- Maury: Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that. But you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."
- Lars Smuntz: [leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
- Ernie Smuntz: You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too...
- [the cat lunges, Maury subdues him with a taser]
- Lars Smuntz: [noticing his torn coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!
- Ernie Smuntz: We'll take him!
- Alexander Falko: I'll get to the point. LaRue: I have his books, I have his letters. You see these shoes?
- Ernie Smuntz, Lars Smuntz: [looking down at the shoes] LaRue's?
- Alexander Falko: No, but I'm sure he would have loved them.
- [Ernie takes a shotgun off the wall]
- Lars Smuntz: What are you gonna do?
- Ernie Smuntz: I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.
- Lars Smuntz: Ernie, no, no...
- Ernie Smuntz: Stay back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission!
- Lars Smuntz: This is how accidents happen, come on, Ernie, just put the gun down...
- Ernie Smuntz: I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come!
- Ernie Smuntz: [Caesar is being carried out on a stretcher] Oh, my God!
- Lars Smuntz: Caesar! What happened?
- Cop: Please, sir, he's not well.
- Ernie Smuntz: Try to think. Did you kill the mouse?
- Caesar: What's that? *Horse*? *Fiendish*! I won't eat it!
- [screams and chatters like a mouse as he's loaded into an ambulance]
- Caesar: Squeak, squeak...
- Ernie Smuntz: How'd you find him? Where was he?
- Cop: 911 call. No voice, but we could hear screaming in the background. He was locked in a trunk in the attic. We'll call you if we get any leads.
- [the Smuntz Brothers get covered in sewage in trying to suck up the mouse with a vacuum, only to get it attached to the sewage line. Meanwhile, a banker named Theodore Plumb hammers notice from the bank to the front door]
- Ernie Smuntz: [seeing the notice] What's this?
- Theodore Plumb: We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage.
- Ernie Smuntz: Oh, wait a minute, I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for.
- Theodore Plumb: No, it *was* paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the twelve hundred dollars overdue, we repossess it.
- Lars Smuntz: [in disbelief] Twelve hundred dollars?
- Ernie Smuntz: How long do we have?
- Theodore Plumb: One week from, uh, five days ago.
- Ernie Smuntz: [shocked] That's two days! Look, we don't have the time or the energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.
- Theodore Plumb: [noticing that they're covered in sewage] Looks like you're off to a great start.
- Lars Smuntz: [as his wife is packing a suitcase] Please, April, don't go.
- April Smuntz: [scoffs] I'm not going anywhere.
- [slams the suitcase shut; frame cuts to Lars standing on the porch with the suitcase]
- Lars Smuntz: [they are trying to vacuum up the mouse, they instead are vacuuming up sewage] Goddamn, the mouse stinks!
- Ernie Smuntz: Dead animals always do.
- [they start laughing maniacally]
- Ernie Smuntz: I hate you!
- Lars Smuntz: And I hate you!
- Ernie Smuntz: Not as much as I hate you!
- Lars Smuntz: Yeah!
- Ernie Smuntz: Yeah, DOUBLE! DOUBLE! Oh, give me something!
- [Starts looking for something to throw. Lars grabs an orange]
- Ernie Smuntz: I'm gonna brain you!
- Lars Smuntz: 'Ere it is!
- Ernie Smuntz: Oh, yeah! Give it to me then! Go ahead!
- [Lars throws the orange. Ernie ducks and the orange hits the mouse, who was watching. Ernie spots the mouse]
- Ernie Smuntz: [almost relieved] You killed him!
- [laughs with joy]
- Lars Smuntz: I didn't even know he was there.
- Ernie Smuntz: Just think of all the trouble we could've saved ourselves if we just threw fruit at him in the first place.