David Hasselhoff credited as playing...
Colonel Nick Fury
- Jack Pincer: So, we meet again, Fury.
- Nick Fury: Well, I'm not surprised, Pincer. Guys like you tend to cling to the bowl no matter how many times you flush.
- Nick Fury: Beauty is trust and trust is beauty. That's all ye on this Earth know and all ye need to know.
- Gail Runciter: Is that part of the recognition code?
- Nick Fury: No, I just felt like saying it.
- Nick Fury: This is Hydra headquarters calling S.H.I.E.L.D. on the wave of the orca, is anybody listening?
- Valentina de Allegro Fontaine: Nick! Thank God. I thought you were dead.
- Nick Fury: [on viewscreen] I was. But now I'm better.
- Gail Runciter: Is it true what women say about you?
- Nick Fury: Well, it depends on your talking to one of my ex-wifes or my mother.
- Andrea Von Strucker: [flips up Fury's eyepatch] An electronic lock-pick!
- Nick Fury: Oh, there it is. I thought I left it in my other patch.
- Gabriel Jones: Are you really up to leading a field operation?
- Nick Fury: Of course not, Gabe! But who the hell else is gonna do this? The LMD?
- Nick Fury: Contessa Valentina de Allegro Fontaine. Quite a mouthful when you try and wrap your tongue around it. Don't let the blue blood fool ya, Pierce. Val's an old hand at the sexpionage game, aren't ya?
- Nick Fury: [Fury has been injected with deadly Columbian tree frog poison] Brilliant. How long do I have before Kermit bites me the big one?
- Nick Fury: Gabe, I do not intend to spend the last few hours of my life on this planet in the Helicarrier's sick bay. I'll get that vampire's blood if I have to suck it from her neck.
- Kate Neville: You alright, Col?
- Nick Fury: Between you and me and the ESP chip in your head, I'm beginning to feel the effects of Viper's cocktail.
- Nick Fury: No takers, Pincer. Catch you on the rebound.
- Jack Pincer: [on viewscreen] Don't you dare cut me off, you comic-book cowboy!
- Nick Fury: [to Viper] I danced on your poisonous father's grave. I'll dance on your grave too, sweetness.
- Nick Fury: [Fury's body is being scanned for poison] I feel like a damn bratwurst here. Either get me out of here, or get me some mustard.
- Valentina de Allegro Fontaine: Nick, what do you want me to say? That it happened too fast between us? That Clay got in the way? I got scared, I walked.
- Nick Fury: Yeah, into someone elses bed!
- Valentina de Allegro Fontaine: Well, I learned that move from you.
- Valentina de Allegro Fontaine: I'm sorry about Clay, Nick, but it looks like Hydra's trying to send you a message.
- Nick Fury: Looks like I heard it.
- Jack Pincer: Fury!
- Nick Fury: Pincer. Come to wish me well?
- Jack Pincer: Hardly! If you think I've forgotten your breach of protocol, you're mistaken! I'm putting in a request for a full disciplinary tribunal!
- Nick Fury: Well, imagine that. What are the charges?
- Jack Pincer: For starters, insubordination, incitement to mutiny, unauthorized use of a military vehicle!
- Nick Fury: You forgot one: attempted grievous bodily harm.
- [punches Pincer out]