Halloween with the New Addams Family (1977 TV Movie)

Jackie Coogan: Uncle Fester

Quotes 

• First Cop : Sorry, folks, but there's been complaints about the noise.

  Morticia Addams : But this is a holiday, and a very special holiday for the Addams family. Everyone here is a relative.

  Uncle Fester : [brings in the crooks]  I'm sorry, you're mistaken, Morticia, these two aren't.

  First Cop : Well... Bones Lafferty and Louie the Lard?

  Gomez Addams : Oh, you must be mistaken, Officer; these are members of our family.

  [Fester shakes his head] 

  Boss Crook : No, no, no. No, we, we, we, we just said that... we're not members. Oh, but the lion, a lion! In, in the basement, and a lady flew right out the window!

  Little Bo Peep : That was no lady, it was a pterodactyl.

• Uncle Fester : We get the weirdest people in here.

• Uncle Fester : Wait a minute, Don't step on Kitty-Kat's tail...

  Mikey : Do I look like a guy that who would step on Kitty-Kat's tail? Hey! Ha! Away, you know.

  [leaves, Kitty Kat roars, and Mikey returns terrified; his clothes are torn] 

  Uncle Fester : You stepped on Kitty-Kat's tail.

• Fake Gomez : [Fester has him on the rack, mistaking him for Gomez]  You've got the wrong man, I'm just a guest here, take off my mask and you'll see.

  Uncle Fester : An impostor! Why, too bitter. I'll get you outta there right away. That's the first mistake I ever made on the rack, if I made you too tall, I can arrange to shorten ya. And if your socks are stretched, I'll be very happy to knit you a new pair.

• [repeated line] 

  Uncle Fester : Don't step on Kitty Kat's tail!

• Uncle Fester : [a plant is choking Mikey]  Lois! How can he holler if you keep hugging him?

• Uncle Fester : [freeing Lafferty from the encircling leafy fronds while irritably scolding the plant]  How many times has Gomez told you not to play with strangers? Stop that!

• Pancho Addams : Now, a long time ago.

  Uncle Fester : No no, you forgot to say 'Once upon a time.'

  Pancho Addams : Very well. Once upon a time, a very long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, in a little village, there was this tiny little boy named Deetlemote, a very good boy, and he knew the legend of Cousin Shy. Cousin Shy is the special spirit of Halloween, the spirit who carves happy smiles on a specially-hidden pumpkin and leaves beautiful gifts at the feet of the Halloween Scarecrow. And then there was one day when Deetlemote wanted to find out if Cousin Shy was real and so this little boy carved a mouth on the giant pumpkin and guess what happened?

  Uncle Fester : It talked! It talked!

  Pancho Addams : Yes, and it said "I am the spirit of Cousin Shy and I belong to the whole world. You will never see me, but if children are very good I will pay them a visit every Halloween, and if you leave a pumpkin in a very special place I will carve it for you and leave gifts under your scarecrow. And that is the story of Cousin Shy.

  Uncle Fester : Hey, wait a minute! You forgot to say 'And they lived happily ever after!'

  Pancho Addams : I forgot. Uncle Fester, you may finish the story, I have to say goodbye to my brother.

  Uncle Fester : Thank you. And, they lived happily, ever, after.

  [nods]