Matthew Perry credited as playing...
Oscar Novak
- [on being told he's been selected as Gay Man of the Year]
- Oscar Novak: I haven't done anything or anyone to deserve this.
- [When Peter clicks his pen, it's supposed to signal to Oscar that he's rambling]
- Oscar Novak: Hey, you have a Buddha! Oh, I love Buddhas.
- [Peter clicks his pen]
- Oscar Novak: They're like bright, cheery, naked Asian Santas.
- [Sound of clicking pen]
- Oscar Novak: You know, I had a buddy in college whose name was Bob and we used to call him "Buddha Bob" because he was kind of fat and he liked to walk around naked.
- [More pen clicking]
- Oscar Novak: We used to rub his belly for luck.
- [Frantic pen clicking. Oscar gets the hint]
- Oscar Novak: Anyway... I love Buddha.
- [awkward pause]
- Oscar Novak: He rocks.
- [Standing outside the cafe, Oscar is looking very ill]
- Amy: Oh, are you OK?
- Oscar Novak: Mouth... watering.
- Amy: God, I knew that Tuna Melt tasted funny. I'm lucky, I can eat just about anything. Know why? Cause my mother was a horrible cook. She used to make this thing that smelled like a wet dog and old tennis shoes and...
- [Oscar retches]
- Amy: Oh, sorry.
- Oscar Novak: Would you excuse me for a second?
- Oscar Novak: [Oscar kneels over and is violently sick] Boy, that felt good!
- Amy: Don't worry, you'll be all right in a minute.
- [Amy pauses, then keels over and is sick as well]
- Oscar Novak: It just doesn't get better than this!
- Oscar Novak: [on the phone to his shocked but supportive mother] I'm not gay. I just have to pretend to be gay for work.
- Oscar Novak: I'm never going to have sex again!
- Peter Steinberg: Oh, of course you will. Just maybe not with a woman.
- Peter Steinberg: You do know there are other fish in the sea?
- Oscar Novak: But what if you found *the* fish?
- Oscar Novak: You know what the most spoken line in movies is?
- Amy: What?
- Oscar Novak: "Let's get out of here."
- Amy: Huh. It makes sense. It works for a lot of situations. "They're shooting at us. Let's get out of here." "Aliens have landed. Let's get out of here." I want to make mad passionate love to you. Let's get out of here."
- Oscar Novak: Those are good, especially the last one.
- [viewing a photograph of the Bosnian flag painted on someone's nude bottom]
- Oscar Novak: I had no idea things were so hairy in Bosnia.
- [Peter is standing with a tub of hair gel and a weird hairdo]
- Oscar Novak: What the hell happened to your head?
- Peter Steinberg: I've been here for nine hours. I got bored.
- Oscar Novak: You're a very strange man. Now, will you get out of my apartment?
- Peter Steinberg: What happened? Oscy... Oscy... it's six in the morning.
- Oscar Novak: It was awful, OK? As soon as we left the gallery, our cab caught on fire. THEN, she elbowed me in the face. THEN, we both threw up. THEN, she slammed a car handle into my balls, OK? The entire night was a total disaster.
- Peter Steinberg: You're in love with her.
- Oscar Novak: Pretty much.
- [upon meeting her boyfriend's wife]
- Amy: I handled that well, didn't I? I'm still in one piece.
- Oscar Novak: Yes, very well.
- [Amy starts to walk away]
- Oscar Novak: Where are you going?
- Amy: To get really, *really* drunk.
- Oscar Novak: What's good?
- Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.
- Oscar Novak: Ohhh... what else?
- Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.
- Amy: What do you think?
- Oscar Novak: Yeah, two tuna melts.
- Charles Newman: God, I swear Oscar, if you weren't gay, I'd have to kill you.
- Oscar Novak: Gay? I'm not gay. I didn't... gay.