Trey Parker credited as playing...
Stan Marsh • Eric Cartman • Satan • Mr. Herbert Garrison • Phillip Niles Argyle • Randy Marsh • Christophe ('The Mole') • Tom - News Reporter • Midget In A Bikini • Canadian Ambassador • Bombardiers • Mr. Mackey • Army General • Ned Gerblanski • Additional Voices
- Mr. Garrison: ...I'm Sorry Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
- Cartman: [to Kyle] Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
- Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
- Cartman: Jew?
- Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
- Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
- Cartman: Why the fuck not?
- Mr. Garrison: Eric!
- Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
- Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
- Kenny: Fuck!
- Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
- Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
- Mr. Garrison: [angrily] How would you like to go see the school counselor?
- Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
- [the whole class gasps]
- Mr. Garrison: [furiously] What did you say?
- Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
- [Cartman picks up a megaphone]
- Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
- [Mr. Garrison is so furious that no word comes out of his mouth]
- Stan: Holy shit, dude.
- Cartman: You guys, this is all Kyle's mom's fault.
- Kyle: Shut up, Cartman.
- Cartman: Kyle's mom is the one that started that damn club and all because she's a big fat stupid bit...
- Kyle: Don't say it, Cartman.
- Cartman: Well...
- Kyle: Don't do it, Cartman.
- Cartman: Well...
- Kyle: I'm warning you!
- Cartman: Okay, okay.
- Kyle: I'm getting pretty sick of him calling my mom a...
- [gasps]
- Cartman: Well... Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a big fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch, she a bitch to all the boys and girls.
- Kyle: Shut your fucking mouth, Cartman!
- Cartman: On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wednesday through Saturday she's a bitch, then on Sunday just to be different she's a super king kamehameha bee-otch! Come on, you all know the words. Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch! Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this.
- [sings the song in four different languages]
- Cartman: Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world, she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch!
- [Mrs. Broflovski turns up, the children gasp and Cartman doesn't notice]
- Cartman: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch!
- Stan: Uh, Cartman?
- Cartman: Kyle's mom's a bitch and she just a dirty bitch. I really mean it, Kyle's mom... She's a big fat fucking biiitch! Big old fat fucking bitch, that mom... Yeah! Chaa!
- [the children stare at Cartman]
- Cartman: What?
- [Cartman turns around seeing Mrs. Broflovski]
- Cartman: Oh... Fuck!
- Saddam Hussein: Let's start by building a big statue of me, right over there where that fat kid is standing.
- Cartman: Hey, don't call me fat buttfucker!
- [rays shoot from malfunctioning V-chip and kill a demon from hell]
- Stan: Do it Cartman! Do it!
- Cartman: Damn! Shit! Respect my fuckin' authoritayyy!
- [shocks Saddam]
- Saddam Hussein: You need to watch your mouth, brat.
- Cartman: Dog-shit taco!
- Saddam Hussein: Quick Satan! Do something!
- Cartman: Try this on for size... Blood drenched frozen tampon popsicle!
- Saddam Hussein: Hey, buddy! I know I was mean before. But don't worry - I can change!
- Cartman: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand!
- [person speaking German on "cliteris" website]
- Kyle: Dude, it's a lady getting pooed on!
- Stan: Whoa! Is it Cartman's mom?
- Cartman: Oh, very funny!
- Kyle: Hey! It IS Cartman's mom!
- Mrs. Cartman: [man speaking German on computer] All righty then!
- Cartman: SON OF A BI...
- [shocks]
- Cartman: AHHH!
- Ike: [bounces in] Ba ba ba ba.
- Kyle: Get out of here, Ike. You're too young for this stuff!
- Ike: Bullshit.
- Stan: What's she doing now?
- German: Essen meine scheisse.
- Mrs. Cartman: Okey-dokey!
- Kyle, Stan, Cartman: [they see something gross] AWWWWWW!
- Stan: [pukes] Click it off, dude, click it off!
- [Kyle clicks it off]
- Stan: Dude, what the fuck is wrong with German people?
- Mr. Garrison: What is five times two?
- [No response from the class]
- Mr. Garrison: Now come on children, don't be shy, just give it your best shot.
- [Clive raises his hand]
- Clive: Twelve.
- Mr. Garrison: OK, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard.
- Cartman: Hey dudes!
- Kyle: What's the matter Cartman?
- Cartman: It's this V-Chip, I hate it! I can't say any dirty words
- Kyle: Really? So you can't say Fuck?
- Cartman: No!
- Kyle: And you can't say Shit?
- Cartman: No!
- Kyle: So you can't say I'm Eric Cartman the Fattest fucking piece of Shit in the world?
- Cartman: FUCK YOU!
- [gets shocked by the V-chip]
- Cartman: AHHH!
- Kyle: Ewwww... Sweet!
- Cartman: Mom? If you were in a German "scheisse" video, you... you'd tell me, right?
- [short pause]
- Mrs. Cartman: Sure, hon.
- [demonstrating a "V-Chip" planted into Cartman]
- Dr. Vosknocker: Now, I want you to say "doggy".
- Cartman: Doggy.
- Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Notice, that nothing happens.
- [to Cartman]
- Dr. Vosknocker: Now, say "Montana".
- Cartman: Montana.
- Dr. Vosknocker: Good. Now, "pillow".
- Cartman: Pillow.
- Dr. Vosknocker: All right. Now I want you to say "horse fucker".
- Mrs. Cartman: Go on, honey. It's all right.
- Cartman: Horse fu...
- [gets shocked by the V-chip]
- Cartman: That hurts, goddamnit!
- [gets shocked again]
- Dr. Vosknocker: Now I want you to say "big floppy donkey dick".
- Cartman: No!
- Dr. Vosknocker: [to audience] Success! The child doesn't want to swear!
- Cartman: This isn't fair, you sons of bi...
- [gets shocked repeatedly]
- General: Now each battalion has a specific code-name and mission. Battalion 5, raise your hands!
- [all the African American members put up their hands including Chef]
- General: You will be the all important first defense wave, which we will call "Operation Human Shield".
- Chef: Hey, wait a minute...
- General: Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human Shield' will suffer heavy losses. But don't lose your spirit men! Stay until the bitter end. Battalion 14?
- [all the White soldiers raise their hands]
- General: Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The Darkies'. You will follow Battalion 5 here and try not to get killed for God's Sake. Are there any questions men?
- [Chef raises his hand]
- General: Yes Soldier?
- Chef: Have you ever heard of the Emancipation Proclamation?
- General: I don't listen to hip-hop!
- Chef: Hey!
- [singing]
- Stan: What would Brian Boitano do if he was here right now? / He'd make a plan and follow through, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
- Kyle: When Brian Boitano was in the Olympics skating for the Gold, / he did two salchows and a triple lutz while wearing a blindfold!
- Cartman: When Brian Boitano was in the Alps fighting grizzly bears / he used his magical fire breath and saved the maidens fair!
- Stan, Kyle: So what would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? / I'm sure he'd kick an ass or two, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
- Cartman: I want this V-chip out of me. / It has stunted my vocabulary.
- Kyle: And I just want my mom to stop fighting everyone.
- Stan: For Wendy I'll be an activist too, / 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
- Stan, Kyle, Cartman: And what would Brian Boitano do? He'd call all the kids in town / and tell them to unite for truth, that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
- [intermission]
- Stan, Kyle, Cartman: When Brian Boitano traveled through time to the year 3010, / he fought the evil robot king and saved the human race again!
- Cartman: And when Brian Boitano built the pyramids he beat up Kublai Khan!
- Stan, Kyle, Cartman: 'Cause Brian Boitano doesn't take shit from anybody! / So let's call all the kids together / and unite to stop our moms. / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / And we'll save Terrance and Philip too, 'cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do! / 'Cause that's what Brian Boitano'd do!
- Cartman: [singing] Well, Kyle's mom is a big, fat bitch, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch, if there ever was a bitch, she's a bitch to all the boys and girls. / On Monday she's a bitch, on Tuesday she's a bitch, on Wedensday and Saturday she's a bitch. Then on Sunday, just to be different, she's a super king kamehameha bee-utch. / Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom? She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. She's a stupid bitch and she has stupid hair, she's a big big big big big big bitch. / Bitch bitch bitch bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, and she's such a stupid bitch./Talk to kids around the world, it might go a little bit something like this!
- [sings in mock foreign languages]
- Army General: [shouting] You told us that windows 98 would be faster, and more efficient with better access to the internet!
- Bill Gates: It IS faster! Over five million...
- [General shoots Bill Gates and everyone cheers]
- Gregory: I must say, I don't believe I belong here with these rogues. I transferred from Yardale where I had a 4.0 grade point average.
- Cartman: You're a fucking faggot, dude.