The Specials (2000)

James Gunn: Minute Man

Quotes 

• College Girl : Hey, are you Minuteman? Can we have your autograph?

  Minute Man : My-noot Man! Do I look like a soldier from the Revolutionary War? I don't think so! Am I wearing a three-cornered hat? No! I turn small. Think!

  College Girl : Fuck you.

  [her car pulls away from the curb] 

  College Girl : That costume makes you look gay!

• Minute Man : [signing an autograph]  I'm thinking of changing my name.

  Deadly Girl : Change it to what?

  [hisses at the autograph hound, scaring her away] 

  Minute Man : To... 'Small'

  Deadly Girl : Small-Man?

  Minute Man : No, just 'Small'

  Deadly Girl : Well that's pretty stupid.

  Minute Man : It's better than Mr. Smart.

  Deadly Girl : It's better than Captain Cuntface too.

  Minute Man : Whatever.

• Minute Man : The great thing about not getting the person that you love is that you can still think about that person and masturbate, which is essentially the same thing.

• Minute Man : The one thing that happened that sucked was that I lost my shrinking ability for two weeks, like a flu bug, or... I mean, I didn't lose them entirely. I was able to shrink down to about four-foot-five. But just being short isn't really a superpower.

• Minute Man : What's it like, summoning demons?

  Deadly Girl : They do your will, and that makes you feel good about yourself.

• Minute Man : God damn it, Ted, if you were my siamese twin I'd fucking kill you.

  [runs upstairs] 

  U.S. Bill : What does that mean?

• Minute Man : [seeing the preview commercial for the Specials action figures]  I'm black?

  Joel Tippin : We had to take a little more of a multi-cultural approach.

  Minute Man : But I'm not black.

  Joel Tippin : I-I think you have vaguely African features. We could probably pull this off.

  [Minute Man ushers him out] 

  Joel Tippin : Excuse...

  Minute Man : A meat thermometer?

  Joel Tippin : Listen, the kids love the neat accessories. Come on, it's the Specials. Nobody knows they're not carrying meat thermometers.

  Minute Man : Tell me that wasn't Richard Dawson's head.

  Joel Tippin : Well, okay, you got me there. We had some old heads from a line of "Hogan's Heroes" action figures from the '70s. We were gonna use the German guy, but it turns out we didn't have...

  [Minute Man leaves] 

  Joel Tippin : What?

• Deadly Girl : Listen, here's a riddle: what's Ms. Indestructible's superpower? Guess!

  Minute Man : She has indestructible skin that can withstand an atomic blast.

  Deadly Girl : Wrong. She's a total bitch.

  Minute Man : That's my sister-in-law.

  Deadly Girl : Next time your brother wife-beats her, tell him to hit her in the eye. Her eyes are normal.

• The Weevil : Some of you may be wondering "How did the Specials come to be?". Well, the group was the brainchild of Ted and Tim Tilderbrook, better known to the world as the Strobe and Minute Man.

  Power Chick : The original five were friends before being teammates. Ted and Tim - he was Minute Boy back then - Ms. Indestructible, the Weevil, and Stretchy Boy!

  Ms. Indestructible : Stretchy Boy joined the group when we were around for, uh... about what, a year?

  Minute Man : About a year.

  Ms. Indestructible : Stretchy Boy had stretching powers. It's a... it's a pretty common superpower where he was from, up in the northwestern states.

  Minute Man : Tacoma.

  Ms. Indestructible : Something about the fluoridation in the water.

  Minute Man : Yeah. Unfortunately, the same chemicals that gave him his superpowers gave him a type of mouth cancer and he was dead in six months. The same thing happened to Captain Elastic, Flagpole Lad...

  Ms. Indestructible : Gooey Stan.

  Minute Man : Like a Holocaust of rubbery people.

  The Weevil : Our next member was Mr. Smart, who claimed to be the world's most intelligent man.

  Power Chick : Then came Eight, the hero with eight faces. Some claim the CIA was behind the mysterious fusion of eight consciousnesses into one.

  The Weevil : Eight was followed in rapid succession by U.S. Bill and his superstrength.

  Power Chick : The anti-matter-blasting bad boy, Amok.

  The Weevil : And Power Chick, who has the ability to mutate her body into any material that she touches, whether it be wood, metal, or heck, a Fruit Roll-Up.

  Power Chick : I'd be yummy then. Next came Deadly Girl, who has the ability to enter the world of the dead and then reappear anywhere she wants.

  The Weevil : And the shape-shifting Alien Orphan, whose ship crash-landed on Earth. Alien Orphan's body was originally a green globule. But little by little, our extraterrestrial pal has been able to take on what's essentially a human form.

  Power Chick : This is the group that has had such keen victories as recently saving the island province of San Felipe from a flock of murderous pterodactyls, and last fall, stopping the Anal Slug from ruining the lives of any more senior citizens.

  The Weevil : And so now, we boldly enter a new chapter in Specials history. I, for one, have a feeling that Stretchy Boy is smiling from above. Or he... he would be if... if he had a mouth.

• Minute Man : I'm Tim. Welcome aboard.

  Nightbird : I'm on board. I am a huge fan, Minute Man.

  Minute Man : I-It's, uh... "Mine-oot" Man.

  Nightbird : Oh, God, I'm so dumb.

  Minute Man : It's because I'm able to turn small.

  Nightbird : I'm sorry.

  Minute Man : It happens all the time.

• The Strobe : Don't think that your Weevil agility can outrun my lasers, pal! If I wanted to, I could cut your head off and then do some intricate welding and slicing with your guts!

  The Weevil : What? Get... get the cameras out of here!

  Minute Man : Will you get the cameras out of here? Tony, what'd you do to him?

  The Weevil : I didn't do anything!

  Ms. Indestructible : Ted, let's go home. Let's talk about this...

  The Strobe : I don't know where your home is, lady, but it's not with me.

  Deadly Girl : What did you do to him?

  Ms. Indestructible : This is none of your business.

  Deadly Girl : He's my friend.

  Ms. Indestructible : He's my husband!

  The Weevil : Ted, just... just tell us what's wrong.

  The Strobe : What's wrong? You mean beyond the fact that you're fucking my wife?

  [Deadly Girl punches Ms. Indestructible in the eye, hard] 

• Minute Man : I started to write down a plan on how to get Ted to put the group back together.

  Deadly Girl : It's 3:00 in the morning.

  Minute Man : Exactly. Exactly. That's the very point. We don't have much time.

  Deadly Girl : Where's Duck Lass?

  Minute Man : Nightbird.

  Deadly Girl : Her.

  Minute Man : I guess unrequited love is sort of a group tradition.

  Deadly Girl : This isn't a plan, Tim. It's a drawing of your brother with a butt for a face.

  Minute Man : It's a shitty plan. That's why I need your help.

• Mr. Smart : Am I supposed to come in?

  Ms. Indestructible : Yes, you're supposed to come in.

  The Strobe : He's not supposed to come in.

  Ms. Indestructible : Get your ass out of bed and get over here.

  Mr. Smart : Excuse me, but...

  The Strobe : [Emily hangs up]  Hmm.

  Minute Man : [coming in with Deadly Girl]  Good morning.

  Ms. Indestructible : [seeing they're dressed in their previous day's clothes]  Did you two sleep together last night?

  Deadly Girl : Is oral sex sleeping together?

  Ms. Indestructible : Yes.

  Deadly Girl : I see.

  [dropping a box on the table] 

  Deadly Girl : Donuts for everyone!

  Nightbird : [coming in]  Hi.

  Deadly Girl : Shelly.

  Nightbird : I'm back.

  Mr. Smart : [coming in]  All right! I'm here, I'm here. I'm sorry I'm late.

  The Strobe : Late for nothing. She should have never asked you to come in.

  Minute Man : Why aren't you wearing any pants?

  Mr. Smart : [looking down]  Oh, God. This is what happens when you scream at me on the phone. I'm sensitive. My overdeveloped mind is attuned to things you could never imagine.

  Deadly Girl : Has anyone noticed Mr. Smart has an enormous package?

  Mr. Smart : My father, too, had a large penis.