- John: Hey, by the way, Nicky, check this out, what's Ozzy tryin' to say there?
- Nicky: John, absolutely nothing, the blizzard always came straight with his messages, but wrap your minds around this, gentlemen.
- [Pulls out a Chicago album]
- Nicky: Chicago!
- Todd: I love this song.
- Voice Of The Demons: I command you in the name of Lucifer to spread the blood of the innocent!
- Peter: Oh my God, Chicago kicks ass!
- Jimmy the Demon: Knock-knock.
- Satan: Yes, Jimmy?
- Jimmy the Demon: Don't forget. You're shoving a pineapple up Hitler's ass at 4 p.m.
- Ozzy Osbourne: Hahahahaha!
- Nicky: Ozzy?
- Adrian: Holy shit.
- [Bat Adrian gets taken by Ozzy]
- Townie: You can do it, Ozzy! Bite his freakin' head off!
- Jimmy the Demon: You were gone ten seconds, what happened?
- Nicky: I got hit by this big light that was attached to a lot of metal.
- Satan: That's a train, son, don't stand in front of them.
- Nicky: Well, I'll have to take a mulligan on this one.
- Mr. Beefy: Put it in your mouth. Now move your teeth up and down. Up and down. Good, numb-nuts. Now you gotta swallow it. Just tilt your head back and let the meat slide down your throat hole. Easy, don't choke.
- Nicky: [Nicky swallows the chicken tender] Popeye's chicken is fucking awesome!
- Mr. Beefy: Uh-huh. Now, eat up. You're gonna need your energy.
- Nicky: I got energy up the yin-yang! Let's go save dad! Adrian! Cassius!
- [he gets hit by a bus]
- Mr. Beefy: Oh, boy.
- Regis Philbin: So, I was driving to work today. Some bozo in a Cadillac cuts me off. So, I followed him. When he got out of his car, I run up behind this guy and I start bashing his brains in with this bat! Did you ever see The Untouchables? I was DeNiro!
- Demon: Popeye's chicken is the shiznit!
- Satan: I'm sorry. After careful consideration, I regretfully have to decline.
- Dan Marino: C'mon, man, I'm just asking, let me win one Superbowl.
- Satan: In exchange for eternal damnation of your soul? You're too nice of a guy for me to want to do that to you, Mr. Marino.
- Dan Marino: You did it for Namath.
- Satan: Yeah, but Joe was coming here anyways.
- Dan Marino: This sucks. I'll just go to the Superbowl as an announcer, and I'll win myself an Emmy!
- Satan: That's the spirit!
- Nicky: You're a good devil, dad.
- Satan: And I also happen to be a Jets fan.
- WNYH Reporter: What made you want to come and see the Globetrotters today, son?
- Boy: I came for the beer and the bitches.
- Peter: Drink up. Here's to fifty million clams.
- Adrian: To the defilement of Earth and the corruption of its people.
- Peter: Okay. Whatever. Just drink it.
- Adrian: It's awfully hot down here. How do you manage to stay so cool?
- John: Uh, beer lowers the body temperature. I read that in a beer magazine.
- Adrian: This liquid would probably quench my thirst, cool me off.
- Peter: Definitely.
- John: It'll give you a pretty good buzz.
- Adrian: Or maybe it will trap me inside for all of eternity.
- John: Uh... No, it won't.
- Lucifer: Everything's fine? Who are you bullshitting? The last time you said everything's fine, the Renaissance happened.
- Adrian: Welcome to the party! It's so nice to see you all here! I'm so proud of you. You've taken to sin with such minimal prompting. You're acting as if there is no heaven or hell. Well, I've got news for you.
- [Lifts cape up and turns into priest]
- Cardinal: There is most definitely a hell and you're all gonna go there when you die. Which is in about 15 minutes.
- Deacon: Holy shit! We really are gonna die!
- Nicky: Get in the flask!
- Popeye's Cashier: What're you talkin' about, man?
- Nicky: I'm talkin' about an 8-piece, let's go!
- Lucifer: Off with the brassiere! The last time I saw a pair of jugs that big, two hillbillies were blowing on them.
- Human Dartboard: [following dialogue is from a deleted scene] How does he come up with that shit?
- Lucifer: Hey, you should catch my whole act.
- Gatekeeper: Okay, you know what? It's not coming off. I'm more than a pair of boobs and smile, okay? Until you realize that, it's your loss.
- Gary the Monster: Oooh.
- Gatekeeper: [to Gary] No, no, no. Actually, you're laughing.
- Lucifer: Hey, how about talking to me. Huh? Be nice. I'll give you a tire to play with.
- [This caught Gary's attention]
- Adrian: I bring you a dear sweet man, Mr. Henry Winkler!
- [audience cheering]
- Henry Winkler: Good evening.
- Adrian: Covered in bees!
- Nicky: [speaking in Korean to vendors] A thousand good mornings to you, my friends!
- Korean Vendor: [speaking to wife in Korean] You grab him, I'll punch him in the dick until he passes out.
- Korean Vendor: [repeatedly in Korean] Monster!
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