Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988)

Chris Rock: Self

Quotes 

• Chris Rock : I was born a suspect. Anything that happened within a 12 block radius, I was a suspect. I'd walk down the street and see little old ladies watching me from their windows and they'd dial 9 1... and just wait for me to do something.

• Chris Rock : So I'm 21. I live at home. But i have friends that are 28 and live at home, that's pathetic. The only thing worse than a 28 year old man that lives at home is any girl willing to sneak into his room.

• Chris Rock : Who celebrates Columbus day? No one puts 3 ships on their front lawn.

• Chris Rock : I was in South Africa the other day... . or was it Boston?

• Chris Rock : Do you guys remember the first time you had your finger in a girl? You walked all the way home smelling your finger. You saw your friends

  [shoved your finger under their nose] 

  Chris Rock : ... SHARON!

• Chris Rock : My mom likes to clean my room. Then she finds my dirty magazines. Whenever your mother takes your dirty magazines, you can't say anything about it. She dont say nothing, you dont say nothing. Then I'm sitting down eating breakfast with my mother and there's a tension at the table like I'm some pervert she's given birth to. So I try to play it innocent like, "Hey mom, have you seen my baseball glove?" And she says, "Why don't you check the PENTHOUSE?" Sometimes you don't find out your mother took your books until it's too late. It's 3am, you're ready to jerk off, but there's no book. So you gotta search the house for anything with a picture of a woman on it. Finally you settle on Aunt Gemima. You looking at her. She looking at you. The imagination kicks in. She takes that old rag off her head... hits the floor, big fat ass, big ole black titties hanging out the sides. Shes looking real good. Then she starts talking dirty to you. "Oh yeah, come on baby, let me suck it now, come on now, spread them cheeks, this your auntie talking, come on now, give it to me" and just before you cum, Uncle Ben gets off his box "Hey, leave her alone, that's my bitch"

• Chris Rock : The reason Jessie Jackson didn't win is because Jews didn't vote for him. Which left rednecks very confused. On one hand they always wanted to vote for a Jew hater... turns out to be a nigger! You know they had a plot to kill Jessie? He's losing by a landslide, but that's too close for some people. Rednecks are confused again. On one hand, they want him dead. On the other, they don't wanna celebrate that holiday.