Bridgette Wilson-Sampras: Chelsea Turner

Love Stinks

Chelsea Turner

Chelsea: All I ever wanted to do was spend my life loving you, you disgusting sack of shit.
Seth: If that's all you wanted, then why did you hire the sleaziest lawyer in town, you pathologically deluded, morally bankrupt, in-denial, self-esteem-deficient bitch on wheels?
Chelsea: I am NOT in denial.

Seth: [in the shower] Oh my God! My hair is falling out!
Chelsea: You know stress will do that to ya!
Seth: Holy shit! It's really falling out!
[hair begins to fall out rapidly]
Seth: Oh my God! AHHH! OH! OOOHH!
[steps out of shower and looks into mirror]
Seth: AHHHHHHHHHHH! What did you do to me?
Chelsea: I didn't do anything! You must have used my hair remover instead of your conditioner
Seth: Noo! YOU PUT SOME IN THERE TO FUCK WITH ME!
Chelsea: No, I didn't! I swear!
Seth: Ooooohhhhh you are the fuckin' devil! THE DEVIL!

Chelsea: [Sleeping in bed with Seth, he farts and the pets disperse] Ugh, you are such a pig!
Seth: Oh... man, I am so sorry! You know I had beans and broccoli for dinner and I washed them down with some crab cakes...
[farts loudly]
Seth: OH!...
Chelsea: [simultaneously] EWWW! Ew! Ew!
Seth: Goodness! I am so sorry. Would you like to spoon me? Because, I feel like I'm past the worst of it, and I need some cuddle-time - Oh, wait, no, I was wrong. Incoming!
[farts]
Seth: OH!...
Chelsea: [simultaneously] Ugh, you're sick! Ew!
Seth: My goodness! Keeping the neighbors up, huh? Feet are on fire. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!
[farts rapidly, four times]
Seth: Oh man! I've got skills! I've got game! Ah... mmmm - oh!
[farts loudly]
Seth: Ole!

Holly: We're going to go over strategy. Now, remember, Chelsea, it took me three breakups, seven ultimatums, and God knows how many not-so-thinly veiled threats before Larry coughed up this ring.
Chelsea: Oooh. Okay, whatever it takes, I'm gonna marry that man.