Billy Crystal credited as playing...
Mike
- Sulley: [is fighting the invisible Randall when he is hit with a snowball] Mike?
- Mike: Look, it's not that I don't care about the kid.
- Sulley: Mike, you don't understand.
- Mike: Yes, I do. I was just mad, that's all. I needed some time to think, but you shouldn't have left me out there.
- Sulley: I'm being attacked!
- Mike: No, I'm not attacking you. I'm trying to be honest, just hear me out. You and I are a team. Nothing is more important than our friendship.
- [Boo approaches Mike, frightened]
- Mike: I-I know, kid. He's too sensitive.
- Mike: [Sulley is being strangled] Come on, pal. If you start crying, I'm gonna cry, and I'll never get through this. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, but I am now. Hey, Sulley, I am baring my soul here. The least you can do is pay attention!
- [Throws snowball; it hits Randall, making him visible enough for Sulley to knock him out]
- Mike: Hey, look at that, it's Randall. It's... Oh.
- Mike: Good morning, Roz, my succulent little garden snail. And who will we be scaring today?
- Roz: Wazowski! You didn't file your paperwork last night.
- Mike: Oh, that darn paperwork! Wouldn't it be easier if it all just blew away?
- Roz: Don't let it happen again.
- Mike: Yes, well, I'll try to be more careful next time.
- Roz: I'm watching you, Wazowski. Always watching. Always.
- Mike: Ooh, she's nuts.
- Randall: [pins Mike to the wall] Where's the kid?
- Mike: Kid?
- [chuckles nervously]
- Mike: What kid?
- Randall: It's here in the factory. Isn't it?
- Mike: You're not pinning this on me! It never would've gotten out if *you* hadn't been cheating last night!
- Randall: [outraged] Cheating? I...
- [calms down]
- Randall: Cheating. Right. Okay, I think I know how to make this all go away. What happens when the whistle blows in five minutes?
- Mike: Uh, I get a time-out?
- Randall: Everyone goes to lunch! Which means: the scare floor will be...?
- Mike: ...Painted?
- Randall: EMPTY! It'll be empty, you idiot! You see that clock? When the big hand is pointing up...
- [forces Mike's left arm up]
- Randall: and the little hand is pointing up...
- [forces his right arm up]
- Randall: the kid's door will be in my station. But when the big hand points down...
- [bends the right arm over the left; Mike groans in pain]
- Randall: the door will be gone. You have until then to put the kid back. Get the picture?
- [Mike whimpers and nods]
- Mike: Roz, my tender, oozing blossom, you're looking fabulous today. Is that a new haircut? Come on, tell me it's a new haircut, isn't it? It's got to be a new haircut. New makeup? You had a lift? You had a tuck? You had something? Something has been inserted in in you that makes you look... Listen, I need a favor. Randall was working late last night out on the scare floor. I really need the key to the door he was using.
- Roz: Well, isn't that nice? But guess what? You didn't turn in your paperwork last night.
- Mike: He didn't... I... no paperwork?
- Roz: This office is now closed.
- [closes the window on Mike's fingers]
- Mike: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
- Randall: [Finding out that he caught Mike instead of Boo] Wazowski! Where is it, you little one-eyed cretin?
- Mike: Okay, first of all, it's "creetin". If you're gonna threaten me, do it properly. Second of all, you're nuts if you think kidnapping ME is gonna help YOU cheat your way to the top.
- Randall: [chuckles evilly] You still think this is about that stupid scare record?
- Mike: Well... I did. Right up until you... chuckled... like that... And now I'm thinking I should just get out of here.
- [a Handle Bar is placed down preventing Mike from leaving, and his hands get cuffed on]
- Randall: I am about to revolutionize the scaring industry, and when I do, even the great James P. Sullivan will be working of me. First I need to know where the kid is, and you're gonna tell me.
- Sulley: How can I do this? How could I be so stupid? This could ruin the company.
- Mike: The company? Who cares about the company? What about us? That thing is a KILLING MACHINE!
- [points at Boo, who is babbling harmlessly]
- Mike: I bet it's waiting for us to fall asleep, and then - bam! Oh, we're easy prey, my friend. Easy prey! We're sitting targets!
- Henry J. Waternoose: This has gone far enough, James.
- Sulley: She's home now. Just leave her alone!
- Henry J. Waternoose: I can't do that, James. She's seen too much. You both have.
- Sulley: It doesn't have to be this way.
- Henry J. Waternoose: I have no choice! Times have changed. Scaring isn't enough anymore.
- Sulley: But kidnapping children?
- Henry J. Waternoose: I'll kidnap a thousand children before I let this company die, and I'll silence anyone who gets in my way!
- [Waternoose knocks Sulley to the ground and lunges at Boo]
- Sulley: No!
- [Waternoose instead finds the simulated child]
- Voice: Simulation terminated. Simulation terminated...
- Henry J. Waternoose: [confused] Huh? But... What?
- [the lights come on and it's revealed that Boo's room is really the simulation room; Mike and several CDA agents are standing behind the console]
- Mike: I don't know about you guys, but I spotted several big mistakes. You know what? Let's watch my favorite part again, shall we?
- [replays the tape of Waternoose over and over]
- Celia: Oh, Michael, I've had a lot of birthdays - well, not a lot of birthdays but this is the best birthday ever.
- [Mike stares lovingly at her]
- Celia: What are you looking at?
- Mike: I was just thinking about the first time I laid eye on you, how pretty you looked.
- Celia: [shyly] Stop it.
- Mike: Your hair was shorter then.
- Celia: Mm-hmm. I'm thinking about getting it cut.
- [the snakes in Celia's hair squeal with fear]
- Mike: No-no, I like it this length.
- [the snakes sigh in relief]
- Mike: I like everything about you. Just the other day someone asked me who I thought the most beautiful was in all of Monstropolis. You know what I said?
- Celia: What did you say?
- Mike: I said...
- [Just then, Sulley's face appears in the window behind Celia]
- Mike: Sulley?
- Celia: Sulley?
- Mike: Psst, Fungus. Fungus, you like cars? Because I got a really nice car. You let me go, I'll give you... a ride... in the car. Please, Fungus?
- Fungus: I'm sorry, Wazowski, but Randall said I'm not allowed to fraternize with victims of his evil plot.
- [Sulley grabs Fungus from above, while Mike looks up overjoyed. In the next scene, Randall manages to plug the Scream Extractor back in, and then returns to the lab where he notices that Fungus is seated in where Mike was, with the Scream Extractor sucking him.]
- Randall: [gasps] What happened? Where's Wazowski? Where is he?
- [Randall turns off the machine as Fungus, now turned white and pale from the Scream Extractor, weakly points in a direction to his left]
- Mike: [as the Scream Extractor approaches] What is that thing? What is that thing? Hey, hey, hey, that thing is moving. I don't like big, moving things that are moving towards me.
- [the Scream Extractor comes to a stop, pointing itself directly at Mike]
- Randall: Say hello to the Scream Extractor.
- Mike: Hello. Hey, where are you going? C'mon, we'll talk! We'll have a latte!
- Sulley: Mike, that's not her door.
- Mike: What are you talking about? Of course it's her door. It's her door.
- Sulley: No. Her door was white and it had flowers on it.
- Mike: No. It must've dark last night because this is its door.
- [opens the door. A bright light and polka music emanate from the room]
- Mike: [to Boo] You hear that? Sounds like fun in there. Well, see ya kid. Send me a postcard. That's Mike Wazowski, care of 22 Mike Wazowsi-You-Got-Your-Life-Back-Lane.
- Boo: Mowki Kowski.
- Mike: Very good. Now bon voyage. See ya.
- [waves a stick in front of Boo as if she were a dog]
- Mike: Look at the stick. See the stick?
- [throws the stick through the door]
- Mike: Go get the stick. Go fetch.
- Yeti: You wanna go to the village? Okay, rule number one out here: Always... no, Never go out in a blizzard.
- Sulley: We need to get to Boo.
- [a snowcone gets thrown at Sulley from off-screen. The Yeti points at Mike]
- Mike: Boo? What about us?
- [Throws another snowcone]
- Mike: Ever since that kid came in, you've ignored everything I've said, and now look where we are!
- [Throws another snowcone]
- Mike: Oh, we were about to break the record, Sulley. We would've had it made!
- Sulley: None of that matters now.
- Mike: None of it matters?
- [Drops the snowcone he was about to throw onto the floor]
- Mike: Wa-wait a second. None of it matters? Oh, okay, that's - no. Good. Great. So now the truth comes out, doesn't it?
- Yeti: Oh, would you look at that? We're out of snowcones. Let me... just go outside and make some more.
- [Leaves]
- Mike: Sulley, what about everything we ever worked for? Does that matter? Huh? What about Celia? I am never... never gonna see her again. Doesn't that matter? What about me? I'm your pal, I'm-I'm your best friend. Don't I matter?
- Sulley: I'm sorry, Mike. I'm sorry we're stuck out here. I didn't mean all this to happen. But Boo's in trouble. I think there might be a way to save her if we can just get down to that...
- Mike: We? Whoa, whoa. We? No. There's no we this time, pal. If-if-if you wanna go out there and freeze to death, you be my guest, because you're on your own.
- Sulley: Mike, this isn't Boo's door.
- Mike: Boo? What's Boo?
- Sulley: That's... what I decided to call her. Is there a problem?
- Mike: Sulley, you're not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it. Now put that thing back where it came from or so help me...
- [pauses, realizing that they suddenly have the attention of the entire scare floor]
- Mike: Oh, hey. We're rehearsing a - a scene for the upcoming company play called uh, Put That Thing Back Where It Came From Or So Help Me. It's a musical.
- [singing]
- Mike: Put that thing back where it came from or so help me... so help me, so help me and cut. We're still working on it, it's a work in progress but, hey, we need ushers.