Frances O'Connor credited as playing...
Alison • Nicole
- Alison Gardner: I just had to tell you how much I loved your novel "Always Toujours."
- Elliot Richards: Well, I was just trying to make a simple point, really. Every time I've reread Camus and Sartre, I kept thinking to myself, "Why does the existential dilemma have to be so damned bleak?"
- Alison Gardner: Yes.
- Elliot Richards: Yes, we're alone in the universe. Yes, life is meaningless, death is inevitable. But is that necessarily so depressing?
- Alison Gardner: I couldn't agree more. Don't you think secular humanism is yummy?
- Elliot Richards: Oh, delish.
- [Elliot, as the most emotionally sensitive man, is being abandoned by Alison]
- Elliot: I can't handle this kind of rejection. Why don't you want to stay?
- Alison: You want to know why, Elliot? Because you're just *too* sensitive! I'm about to go out of my mind! It's been wonderful, and God knows I love you, but enough is enough! I just want to be with a man who'll ignore me and take me for granted, who's only pretending to be interested in who I am and what I think so he can get into my pants.
- Jerry: That would be me.
- Alison: Oh, thank you! Let's get out of here.
- Elliot: Alison! Wait! Alison! I'll get into your pants!
- Elliot Richards: [as the handsome, articulate author Elliot] Do you know the largest organ in the human body?
- Alison Gardner: [looks down; flirtatiously] I can guess...
- Elliot Richards: [sing-songy] You'd be wrong.
- [they laugh]
- Elliot Richards: It's your integumentary system. Your creamy... soft... and completely desirable skin.
- [Elliot has just wished to be the President of the United States; his wish pulls him into the lobby of an antiquated theater with Alison appearing as a courtly woman in 1860s garb]
- Alison Gardner: Mr. President! Alison Gardner. We're so honored to have you here, sir.
- [Elliot turns to look in the mirror and realizes he's Abraham Lincoln on April 14th, 1865 at Ford's Theatre - the night of his asssassination]
- Elliot Richards: Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Alison Gardner: The actors are beside themselves with excitement.
- Elliot Richards: We're going to a play?
- Alison Gardner: I think you'll find it quite amusing. It's called "Our American Cousin".
- Elliot Richards: You know, I think I've seen it. As a matter of fact, I'm sure I have.
- Alison Gardner: I don't think you've seen it, sir. It's an entirely new play.
- Elliot Richards: Really? I think I know how it ends.
- [Elliot - as his 7'6'' basketball player self, dressed only in a towel - is being interviewed in the locker room by Alison, who is now a sports writer]
- Alison Gardner: God, you were incredible tonight. Watching you... I just kept thinking how unbelievably *big* your ego must be after a game like that.
- Elliot Richards: Well, not that big, really.
- Alison Gardner: I bet it's pretty big.
- Elliot Richards: Well, it gets a little bit bigger.
- [they both laugh]
- Elliot Richards: Depends on how happy I am!
- [laughing harder]
- Elliot Richards: Want to go back to my place? I'll show you my bottle cap collection.
- Alison Gardner: Oh, God, that would... that would be tremendous.
- Elliot Richards: All right! Well... I should... I should get dressed.
- Alison Gardner: I can't wait.
- [Alison makes it clear she's not going anywhere. Elliot sheepishly disrobes his towel; though the audience can't see, it's clear from their reactions that Elliot's great height may be compensating for something...]
- Alison Gardner: Oh, my God.
- Elliot Richards: [howling] Hey! What the hell?
- Alison Gardner: God, there's this...
- Elliot Richards: [Alison holds her ears in pain as Elliot howls again] Hey! Damn! Oh, heck!
- Alison Gardner: Oh, God, I remembered there's this teeny, tiny thing to do.
- Elliot Richards: What's teeny?
- Alison Gardner: No, no. Just something I have to write.
- Elliot Richards: About me?
- Alison Gardner: Yeah, just a little, short, itty-bitty blurb about tonight's game.
- Elliot Richards: Well, can I see you after the road trip?
- Alison Gardner: I would love to, but I'm working on a really *big, huge, enormous* story on the NFL, so I probably won't have time.
- Elliot Richards: Shoot, I understand. You gotta give 110%.
- Alison Gardner: Right.
- Elliot Richards: Stay within yourself.
- Alison Gardner: Hey, go, yeah. Hey, um... thanks for your time.
- Elliot Richards: So long.
- [she leaves; Elliot looks down at himself]
- Elliot Richards: What the hell? Oh, damn the Devil! Damn the Devil to Hell!
- Alison Gardner: Elliot! Hi! Alison Gardner, News.
- Elliot Richards: [a bit self-conscious for only wearing a towel] Oh, uh, nice to meet you, ma'am.
- Alison Gardner: God, I can't tell you how thrilled I am to meet you.
- [looking up at him from way down below:]
- Alison Gardner: I was just wondering if there was a possibility that you might consider doing something exclusive with me? For the magazine? You know, maybe more intimate, one on one, just the two of us...?
- Elliot Richards: [brutish goofy snicker] Yeah, right, I'd kill you one on one!
- [laughs]
- Elliot Richards: Shoot!
- Alison Gardner: [surveys around her to see if anybody's watching] God, it's so exciting to be here.
- [downward glance at his loins:]
- Alison Gardner: I mean, uh... you must have an enormously huge... *talent... * to do what you do.
- Elliot Richards: Well, you just really go out there, and you give a 110%... and, uh, you hope you play good. And you wanna play good. I think we played pretty good tonight.
- [nods]
- Alison Gardner: Oh, God, you were incredible tonight. I've been watching you. I just kept thinking how unbelievably big your...
- [another downward glance]
- Alison Gardner: uh, *ego* must be after a game like that.