Arleen Sorkin credited as playing...
Harley Quinn
- Harley Quinn: You rotten little scamps! I struggle to make a good home for you and this is the thanks I get!
- [whacks both Dee Dees on their asses with her cane]
- Harley Quinn: Break a grandmother's heart! I hope they throw the book at you!
- Dee Dee: Oh, shut up, Nana Harley.
- Batgirl: How could you help Joker do it, Harley?
- Harley Quinn: Okay, so he roughed the kid up a little. But I'll make it right.
- Batgirl: Yeah, you're Mother of the stinkin' Year!
- Batman: Where's Robin?
- The Joker: [playing dumb] Robin? There's no Robin here.
- Harley Quinn: Maybe he means our little Jay.
- The Joker: Of course! That's it!
- [seeing him indicate a nearby curtain, Batman heads towards it]
- Harley Quinn: Uh-uh. No peeking.
- [pulling a bazooka out from under the table; she fires it and snares him in cable restraints]
- Harley Quinn: [patting it affectionately] Mommy's little helper.
- Barbara Gordon: I thought talking about it would get easier over time, but some hurts never go away. Dick Grayson - Nightwing - had left to establish himself in another city. There were three of us then: Bruce, myself, and Robin; Tim Drake. Robin was out alone that night when he came upon a woman in trouble.
- Harley Quinn: Help! Help! Somebody, please help!
- Robin: Hero time.
- [firing his grappling gun, he swoops in and takes down two thugs]
- Robin: That evens things up a little.
- Harley Quinn: [revealing herself, hitting him with a mallet] Not really, Bird Boy.
- The Joker: [entering, laughing] A bird in the hand...
- Barbara Gordon: We soon realized Tim was missing. Night after night, we scoured the city, running down every lead, pressing every underworld connection. But no one had seen any sign of Robin. For three agonizing weeks, there was nothing. Then one night, we were sent an invitation.
- The Joker: You know, Bats, we've been doing this little runaround of ours for years. It's been loads of laughs, but the sad fact is, none of us are getting any younger.
- Harley Quinn: That old clock's a-tickin'.
- The Joker: Quite right, Pooh. And Harley and I were thinking it was time to start a family. Add a Joker Jr. to our merry brood.
- Harley Quinn: But rather than go through all the joy of childbirth, we decided to adopt.
- The Joker: We couldn't do it legally, but then we remembered you always had a few spare kids hanging around... so we borrowed one.
- Batman: [they draw the curtain open] No.
- Batgirl: [looking out from her hiding place] My God.
- The Joker: He needed a little molding, of course. What kid doesn't? But in time, we came to love him as our own. Say hello, J.J.
- [Robin, dressed as a minature version of the Joker, giggles hysterically]