Richard Griffiths credited as playing...
Uncle Vernon Dursley
- Uncle Vernon: He will not be going, I tell you! We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to all this rubbish!
- Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?
- Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. My mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. "We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful?" I was the only one to see her for what she was... a freak! And then she met that Potter. And then she had you, and I knew you would be the same. Just as strange, just as... abnormal. And then if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you.
- Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!
- Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill Lily and James Potter?
- Aunt Petunia: We had to say something.
- Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!
- Uncle Vernon: He'll not be going!
- Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?
- Uncle Vernon: [the Dursleys are sitting in the lounge, peacefully. It is Sunday and no letters have arrived] Fine day, Sunday. In my opinion, best day of the week.
- [turns to Dudley]
- Uncle Vernon: Why is that, Dudley?
- [Dudley shrugs]
- Harry: [Harry serves the Dursleys biscuits on a platter] Because there's no post on Sundays?
- Uncle Vernon: Right you are, Harry!
- [Vernon takes a biscuit from the platter that Harry served them]
- Uncle Vernon: No post on Sundays. Ha!
- [Harry stares out to see a parliament of owls outside Privet Drive]
- Uncle Vernon: No blasted letters *today*! No, sir! Not one single bloody letter! Not *one*!
- [the owls hoot outside the window]
- Uncle Vernon: No sir! Not one blasted, miserable -
- [a letter whizzes toward Vernon and hits him in the face. The Dursleys and Harry hear a rumble and a whole lot of letters shoot through the fireplace. The Dursleys scream as the letters shoot toward them, as Harry tries to catch one. Harry has a letter in his hand and Vernon chases after him]
- Uncle Vernon: Give me that! Give me that letter!
- [Harry runs to his room underneath the staircase and Vernon grabs him, trying to get the letter]
- Harry: [getting grabbed by Vernon] Get off!
- [Petunia screams as more letters shoot toward her and Vernon screams as the letters topple him, whilst still grabbing Harry]
- Harry: They're *my* letters! Let go of me!
- [even more letters shoot through the mailbox]
- Uncle Vernon: [Vernon has had enough of the letters and starts yelling] THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING AWAY! FAR AWAY! WHERE THEY CAN'T FIND US!
- Dudley Dursley: [to Petunia] Daddy's gone mad, hasn't he?
- [Petunia looks at Vernon in shock]
- Harry: I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic.
- Uncle Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!
- Dudley Dursley: [on Dudley's birthday] How many are there?
- Uncle Vernon: 36, counted them myself.
- Dudley Dursley: 36! But last year, last year I had 37!
- Uncle Vernon: Yes, yes, but some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year.
- Dudley Dursley: I don't care how big they are!
- Harry: [writing HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY on the sand-like floor of the boat he and the Dursley's are in] Make a wish, Harry.
- [looks at Dudley's watch, it is now his birthday, and blows on the dusty, sand-like floor, when someone is trying to break in, which wakes Dudley up]
- Uncle Vernon: [come's into Dudley and Harry's room with a rifle and Aunt Petunia] Who's there?
- [the door breaks open, and everyone screams in terror]
- Hagrid: Sorry about that.
- [puts door back on]
- Uncle Vernon: I demand that you leave at once! You are breaking an entry!
- Hagrid: [walks over to Vernon] Dry up, Dursley, you great prune!
- [bends the rifle's end up and Vernon shoots and walks over to Dudley]
- Hagrid: Boy, I hasn't seen yeh since you was a baby, Harry, but you're a little bit longer that I expected, especially right in the middle.
- Dudley Dursley: I-I'm not Harry.
- Harry: [walks over to Hagrid] I am.
- Hagrid: Well, of course you are. Got somethin' for yeh, 'fraid I may have sat on it at some point, but I imagine it'll taste just the same.
- [gives Harry a box]
- Hagrid: Painted it myself, words and all.
- [Dudley looks jealous]
- Harry: [opens the box, to reveal a cake that says HAPPEE BIRTHDAE HARRY on it] Thank you.
- Hagrid: It's not every day your young man turns eleven, eh?
- Uncle Vernon: [Harry is in his room, under the stairs, playing with his toy horse, when he hears a drilling noise] No more mail through this letterbox!
- [Harry opens the door to see Vernon drilling a piece of wood through the mail slot to stop any letters coming in]
- Harry Potter: You told me my parents died in a car crash!
- Rubeus Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash killed Lily and James Potter?
- Petunia Dursley: We had to say something.
- Rubeus Hagrid: It's an *outrage*! It's a *scandal*!
- Vernon Dursley: He will not be going!
- Rubeus Hagrid: Oh? And I suppose a great Muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?
- Harry Potter: Muggle?
- Rubeus Hagrid: Non-magic folk.
- [angrily to Vernon and Petunia]
- Rubeus Hagrid: This boy's had his name down ever since he were born! He's going to the finest school of witchcraft and wizardry in the world, *and* he'll be under the finest headmaster that Hogwarts has ever seen: Albus Dumbledore.
- Vernon Dursley: I will not pay to have some crackpot old fool teach him magic tricks!
- Rubeus Hagrid: [aims his umbrella at Vernon's throat] Never... insult... Albus Dumbledore... in front of me.