Jessica Capshaw credited as playing...
Dorothy Wheeler
- [Dorothy reads her Valentine]
- Dorothy Wheeler: Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They'll need dental records to identify you.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Excuse me, who are you?
- Ruthie: That's none of your business.
- Campbell Morris: Don't worry, she's nobody.
- Ruthie: Yeah, I'm nobody. I'm just the idiot who's still waiting for a return on my Internet investment.
- [to Campbell Morris]
- Ruthie: What did you call it? Bleed-Me-Dry.com?
- Adam Carr: Nice party, Dorothy.
- Dorothy Wheeler: It blows!
- Adam Carr: [to Kate Davies] Is everything okay?
- Dorothy Wheeler: [obviously angry] Oh, yes! Everything's fine, it's just that men SUCK! But, that's no offense to you, Adam.
- Adam Carr: None taken.
- Kim Wheeler: Who's your friend?
- Dorothy Wheeler: His name's CampbeII. I met him at yoga and he's off-Iimits. So let my dad know he's staying here for a few days.
- Kim Wheeler: Is he the reason you're always spending your time on the treadmiII?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Kim, you're not my girIfriend and you're not my mother.
- Kim Wheeler: I'm just taking an interest in your Iife Dorothy. You know, as your stepmom.
- Dorothy Wheeler: When you're oId enough to rent a car, we can discuss your roIe as my stepmother. In the meantime,don't taIk about my sex Iife.
- Kim Wheeler: You? Have a sex life?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Yeah, I do. But I don't charge by the hour Iike you.
- Kim Wheeler: How dare you?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Oh! Get your hands off me, you maiI-order bride from heII!
- Dorothy Wheeler: Come on Kate! You've always been the popular one, and Shelley was always the brainy one, and Lily was the fun one, and Paige was the sexy one, and I was the big, fat one! And as far as you're concerned, that's exactly the way that it is. Well, you know what? Screw all of you!
- Dorothy Wheeler: I'm next. I know I'm next.
- Paige Prescott: What are you talking about
- Dorothy Wheeler: Because Jeremy got sent to reform school because of me.
- Kate Davies: Dorothy he attacked you.
- Paige Prescott: Dorothy... He did attack you, right?
- Dorothy Wheeler: No. He didn't. I just said that he did.
- Kate Davies: Why would you do that?
- Dorothy Wheeler: You guys wouldn't understand. Do you remember what I looked like back then?
- Kate Davies: You... You were bigger. Y-you were big boned.
- Paige Prescott: You were plump.
- Dorothy Wheeler: I was fat, ok? The only person that looked at me the whole night was Jeremy. And then when those guys came up, and they saw us making out, I couldn't bear it. And so... I lied. And I said he attacked me.
- Kate Davies: Dorothy, why didn't you say something about this to Vaughn?
- Dorothy Wheeler: I just couldn't.
- Paige Prescott: Dorothy, I really wouldn't worry about this. Jeremy Melton couldn't manage a water fountain without screwing up. I don't think he's capable of an intricate revenge plot.
- Dorothy Wheeler: When you are old enough to rent a car, we can talk about your role as my stepmother.
- Dorothy Wheeler: [after the power to the party is cut and everybody starts to leave] Jesus, this place cleared out fast.
- Kate Davies: Where the hell is Paige?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Oh, she's probably in the hot tub. she always ends up in the hot tub at these parties. Where's Adam?
- Kate Davies: I don't know. Did you check the wine cellar?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Could be him, you know?
- Kate Davies: What could be him?
- [Realizes what Dorothy means]
- Kate Davies: Oh, come on, Dorothy.
- Dorothy Wheeler: No, no, no. Don't "Come on, Dorothy" me. Why the hell not?
- Kate Davies: Because I know Adam. Ok, fine-- he's no angel, but he's not a murderer.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Well, you didn't know he was an alcoholic when you first met him, either, didn't you? I'm just saying I don't know if I trust your judgement.
- Kate Davies: That's enough.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Come on, Kate. With a little working out and, I don't know, some plastic surgery, why couldn't Jeremy Melton become Adam Carr?
- Kate Davies: Ok, fine. Then by the same logic, why couldn't Jeremy Melton be Campbell?
- Dorothy Wheeler: You-- should take that back.
- Kate Davies: Look, Dorothy, I'm not saying it's true. I'm just saying if we're going to be pointing fingers here... I mean, you heard what that Ruthie woman said. And how well do you really know Campbell? I mean, you don't even know his last name, for god's sake.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Ha ha. You really can't stand it, can't you?
- Kate Davies: Can't stand what?
- Dorothy Wheeler: That I found someone just as good as your boyfriend just as smart and just as good looking.
- Kate Davies: That's ridiculous.
- Dorothy Wheeler: I mean, why-- I mean, why should I-- why should the fat girl get a turn, huh?
- Kate Davies: What?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Oh, come on, Kate. You've always been the popular one, and Shelley was always the brainy one, and Lily was the fun one, and Paige was the sexy one, and I was the big, fat one. And as far as you're concerned, that's exactly the way it is. Well, you know what? Screw all of you!
- [Dorothy walks off]
- Kate Davies: Dorothy, come back. Come on.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Ok, so first you guys get Melton shipped off to reform school. A year later he lands in juvenile hall; 6 months after that, a state-run mental hospital.
- Kate Davies: That's awful.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: You must have done some number on him at the dance, huh?
- Kate Davies: Where is he now, detective?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: No idea. All we know is that his parents died in a fire a couple years back.
- Kate Davies: Was he involved?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Don't know, ruled an accident. Follow me. I want to show you something. I pulled a file photo and I ran some enhancements.
- [Takes them to his office and shows them a photo of Jeremy on his computer]
- Det. Leon Vaughn: here we go.
- Dorothy Wheeler: That's him.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Right. But know anybody that looks like this?
- [Enhances the picture to make it look older]
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Or this? Or this? Or this? Brown contacts, blue, green. Beard, goatee, mustache. 10 years is a long time, and that's not counting the possibility of plastic surgery.
- Kate Davies: Do you have any more recent pictures of him?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: If we did, don't you think we'd be looking at them? The point is, this could be anyone. Where's your friend Lily?
- Paige Prescott: We told you, she's in L.A.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: What about Max Raimi? What do you know about that guy?
- Paige Prescott: Just that he's an artist. A bad one.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: I know. I've seen his work. What about the rest of you? Any boyfriends? Paige, for example?
- Paige Prescott: [after a long pause] The short answer is no.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: [to Kate] what about you?
- Kate Davies: Uh, sort of. But I've known him awhile.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Meaning what?
- Kate Davies: Meaning, we used to work at the same paper. He covers the Giants. His mother's a lawyer. His father's a teacher. They're from Seattle. How's that?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: [to Dorothy] What about you?
- Dorothy Wheeler: I have a boyfriend. But I can guarantee you he's not Jeremy Melton.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Why don't you let me decide?
- Dorothy Wheeler: His name's Campbell. And he's very smart, any starting his own internet venture.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: And how long have you known him?
- Dorothy Wheeler: A month.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: And where did you meet him?
- Dorothy Wheeler: At yoga, but it's a very exclusive gym, ok?
- Kate Davies: Wait I thought you said that Campbell was staying with you.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Well, he is, but you know, his roommate didn't pay the rent, so...
- Paige Prescott: Dorothy. You met this guy a month ago, and he's staying with you?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Excuse me, Paige, but there have been guys whose last names you didn't know that you let into your pants. I'm just letting this guy into my house.
- Paige Prescott: You don't have to be bitchy.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Fine! So while we're on the topic Dorothy, what is Campbell's last name?
- Dorothy Wheeler: [after a long pause] you know, that's it. This is bullshit. And I don't have to answer these questions. I'll see you guys later.
- Paige Prescott: That went well.
- Kate Davies: I gotta go.
- Paige Prescott: Me, too.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Paige, actually I'd like you to stay a moment.
- Paige Prescott: [sarcastically] Uh-oh. Am I in trouble Detective? You want to interrogate me?
- Paige Prescott: I don't get it. We told you, we haven't seen Shelley in over a year. How are we going to help you?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Humor me. By the way wasn't there another one of you?
- Kate Davies: Lily
- Paige Prescott: She's out of town.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: These are remembrance cards sent to the parents.
- [Hands card to Dorothy]
- Det. Leon Vaughn: take a look at this. It's odd.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Jeremy Melton. J.M.
- Paige Prescott: Jeremy Melton, jeez.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Who's Jeremy Melton?
- Paige Prescott: This loser from sixth grade.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: He and Shelley were friends?
- Kate Davies: No, that's the thing. We haven't seen him in years. Why would he send a card?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Because it's him. It's Jeremy. I got a valentine the other day, and it was awful. It was someone saying that they were gonna kill me, and it was signed "J.M."
- Paige Prescott: Ours, too-- the card in our chocolates.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: You both received threatening notes signed "J.M." and after I tell you I'm looking for a Jason Marquette, you don't think to mention it.
- Paige Prescott: I thought it was a joke?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Ok. Why would Jeremy Melton want to hurt you?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Well, he attacked me at a dance in junior high and he got sent to reform school because of it.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Well, that would explain why he threatened you. But why go after Shelley? Why your friends?
- Dorothy Wheeler: I don't know, but he is.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: You don't know that. The truth is, some kid that you all teased in the sixth grade is probably not worth getting all worked up over. But I'll go check it out anyway.
- Paige Prescott: You do that
- Kate Davies: [answers phone] Hello?
- Dorothy Wheeler: It's Dorothy.
- Kate Davies: Uh, hold on, Dorothy. Paige is here, too.
- [Puts it on speaker]
- Paige Prescott: Hey Dorothy. Kate nearly clubbed me on the head with an iron.
- Dorothy Wheeler: They came for Campbell.
- Kate Davies: Yeah I know they questioned Adam, too.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Listen Kate, did they call Adam, or did they question him for 2 hours? Cause now they've requested that Campbell not leave town for a few days. it's humiliating. Did you give Vaughn his name?
- Kate Davies: No.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Well, then how did he get it?
- Kate Davies: He's a detective.
- Dorothy Wheeler: You know you go back and forth about Adam--"should I or shouldn't I" Campbell's all I got. I don't feel like being dumped before my party, Kate.
- Paige Prescott: Come on Dorothy just hang up the phone and make it up to the guy if he's so upset.
- Dorothy Wheeler: What do you mean?
- Paige Prescott: Use your imagination.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Thanks Paige.
- Paige Prescott: You're welcome.
- [Dorothy hangs up; the phone rings again]
- Paige Prescott: she's so ridiculous. Do you need instructions?
- [It's actually Detective Vaughn over the phone]
- Det. Leon Vaughn: This is Detective Vaughn, Kate.
- Kate Davies: Uh, sorry, detective.
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Uh, good news. We picked up Marquette.
- Kate Davies: Oh. So does this mean that it's Jeremy?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: Well, we haven't started the questioning yet.
- Kate Davies: But if it isn't Melton, you're gonna keep looking right?
- Det. Leon Vaughn: We're going to keep pursuing every angle on this thing. Meantime be careful. Stay with your friends. I'll let you know when I've got more.
- Kate Davies: Thank you, detective.
- [Hangs up]
- Paige Prescott: Well?
- Kate Davies: Picked up Marquette.
- Kate Davies: Hey. Still no Campbell?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Nope.
- Kate Davies: Well, it's only 11:00.
- Dorothy Wheeler: I know he said he'd be here before the party. I'm not an idiot, Kate. I know when I'm being dumped, ok?
- Kate Davies: You're not being dumped, Dorth.
- Dorothy Wheeler: Right.
- Adam Carr: Happy Valentine's Day, ladies.
- Kate Davies: Hey, Adam. You look great.
- Adam Carr: So do you.
- Dorothy Wheeler: [sarcastically] Yeah, you look great.
- Adam Carr: Nice party, Dorothy.
- Dorothy Wheeler: It blows.
- Adam Carr: Everything ok?
- Dorothy Wheeler: Oh, yeah. Everything's fine. It's just that men suck. Oh, that's no offense to you, Adam.
- Adam Carr: None taken.
- Dorothy Wheeler: [gets up and walks off] Yeah, ok. Excuse me, ahem.
- Kate Davies: He'll get here, Dorth, don't worry.
- [to Adam]
- Kate Davies: Don't ask.
- Adam Carr: [as they're walking through the party] Listen, you doing anything later on?
- Kate Davies: Uh, actually, I'm busy. I'm gonna hook up with some young stud, get a little action.
- Adam Carr: Really? Hmmm. Sounds good. Anyone I know?
- Kate Davies: Well, you know I'm young, reasonably good-looking... It shouldn't be that difficult finding volunteers.
- [Adam holds up laundry ticket which reads I.O.U TLC]
- Kate Davies: Hmmm... Yeah, you'll do.
- [They kiss]