David Spade credited as playing...
Joe Dirt
- Joe Dirt: So you're gonna tell me that you don't have no black cats, no Roman Candles, or screaming mimis?
- Kicking Wing: No.
- Joe Dirt: Oh come on, man. You got no lady fingers, fuzz buttles, snicker bombs, church burners, finger blasters, gut busters, zippity do das, or crap flappers?
- Kicking Wing: No, I don't.
- Joe Dirt: You're gonna stand there, ownin' a fireworks stand, and tell me you don't have no whistlin' bungholes, no spleen splitters, whisker biscuits, honkey lighters, hoosker doos, hoosker don'ts, cherry bombs, nipsy daisers, with or without the scooter stick, or one single whistlin' kitty chaser?
- Kicking Wing: No... because snakes and sparklers are the only ones I like.
- Joe Dirt: Well that might be your problem, it's not what you like, it's the consumer.
- Joe Dirt: Hey man, you done with that apple core?
- Bondi: [farts] I'm done with that fart. You want that?
- Joe Dirt: Maybe if it came out of Charlene Tilton's ass I'd take a bite.
- Bondi: Yeah, you probably like JR you queer. I saw your bumper sticker: Cowboy's Butts Drive Me Nuts!
- Joe Dirt: Is that right? You think that's queer? Is this queer?
- [slapping muscles]
- Joe Dirt: They're large and in charge and lookin' for chickies.
- Bondi: You wanna back that up?
- Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
- Bondi: That's it. You and me, let's go.
- Joe Dirt: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
- Oil Rig Boss: Joe Dirt, your fired. Here's your week's pay.
- Joe Dirt: Dang.
- Joe Dirt: [talking to himself while brushing hair in the mirror] People like that security guard. They don't really mean what they say. They just got their own issues and what not. Alls I got to do is keep bein' a good person. No matter what, good things'll come my way. Everything's gonna happen for me, just so long as I never have no in my heart.
- [toilet flushes and man walks out of stall. Joe looks down awkwardly]
- Joe Dirt: Right on. Things are gonna happen for me! I'm Joe Dirt!
- Zander Kelly: Bob Seger? Come on, back then you were listenin' to Leif Garrett. It was probably more like this...
- [flashback to a young Joe Dirt dancing to a Leif Garrett song]
- Joe Dirt: Hell no, man I don't listen to that crap! I'm a rocker, dude through and through. Here's my favorite bands: AC/DC, Van Halen, not Van Hagar, Skynyrd, Def Lep.
- Joe Dirt: [Narrating] I checked my list of Rambler Wagons, and there it was: Nunamaker. Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I was finally home.
- Joe Dirt: [Joe comes up to his childhood house only to find it's been condemned] Sir? Hey mister! You know the people who live here, Nunamaker?
- Old Cajun Man: [In a thick Cajun accent] They move!
- Joe Dirt: W-what's that?
- Old Cajun Man: Move! They move! 'bout... 15 yea' ago. Had a lil' boy. Had same kinda haircut you got na'.
- [laughs]
- Old Cajun Man: God da', you outta date, boy.
- Joe Dirt: Yeah, man, that little boy, that's me. My parents were-this was my home. I though this was it this time.
- Old Cajun Man: Nah, home is where you make it.
- Joe Dirt: Ya like to see homos naked?
- Old Cajun Man: [repeats phrase, this time with a firmer tone of voice] Home is where you *make it*.
- Joe Dirt: You like to see homos naked, that's cool man, whatever.
- Old Cajun Man: No no no no. Home is where you *make it*. Home, where you make it.
- Joe Dirt: Oh.
- Old Cajun Man: Ev'body know dat. Goddamn, boy.
- [He walks away]
- Joe Dirt: Guy likes to see homos naked, that doesn't help me.
- Joe Dirt: You guys got somethin' to say to me? Why don't you say it in the microphone. I got a backup mike right here. Check one two, testing, testing. Yup, they both workin' and guess what? They don't like no feedback, what's up?
- Joe Dirt: The guy doing the police sketches thought I was messing with him because my dad came out looking like Father Time and my mom came out looking too butch and looking way too much like Richard Ramirez. You know the Night Stalker, remember him?
- Joe Dirt: Comin' to work. Joe Deertay.
- KXLA Security Guard: Don't try and church it up son. Don't you mean Joe Dirt? Naming you that your father must've really hated you.
- Joe Dirt: You're wrong brother.
- KXLA Security Guard: I got a good name for this car, rusty.
- Joe Dirt: Shit'll buff out.
- KXLA Security Guard: Don't bother, just drive this piece of crap off a cliff. Do us all a favor.
- Joe Dirt: Does this look like a piece of crap to you? Like them spinnin' tires do you?
- KXLA Security Guard: You suck!
- Joe Dirt: You do!
- Joe Dirt: Well, I was born without the top of my skull and I guess a little bit of my brains was showin' and it was grossin' everybody out so my mom put this wig on me to cover it up and then the bones grew together and it got all infused and entwined. I mean I don't mean to get all scientific with you...
- Meteor Bert: Well, it ain't a meteor.
- Joe Dirt: Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.
- Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol' frozen chunk o' shit.
- Joe Dirt: What?
- Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs.
- [chomps teeth]
- Joe Dirt: No, that can't be. That's not what it is.
- Meteor Bert: Oh, afraid so. See that peanut? Dead giveaway.
- Joe Dirt: Uhhh, no, that's a space peanut.
- Meteor Bert: No, afraid not. That just a big ol' frozen chunk of poopy.
- Studio manager: Dude, you were eating off it!
- [Trying to scrape Charlie the dog's testicles off the frozen porch]
- Joe Dirt: Now, this ain't no flapjack, so I'm gonna be real careful, I won't look.
- Joe Dirt: Well, I see you got those snakes and sparklers. But where's the good stuff man?
- Kicking Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
- Joe Dirt: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go *boom*!
- Kicking Wing: Why is that good?
- Joe Dirt: Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you drop 'em in toilets, shove 'em up bullfrogs asses.
- Joe Dirt: [tearfully] Why did you do that to me? I was only eight years old - I was just a little kid. Do you have any idea what it's like to be a kid and have nobody around to talk to? No one that cares if you're alive or dead? Every day you just think you're worthless and there's a void in your life?
- Joe's Mom: [chuckles] Oh, come on, honey.
- Joe's Dad: Lighten up, buddy.
- [Joe goes real upset]
- Joe's Mom: [takes a clown figurine] Lose that frown. When you're down, stare at a clown.
- [Joe stands up and takes it]
- Joe's Dad: That's right, boy.
- Joe's Mom: [hits him] Hey, sit down! Sit down! You're blocking the cameras! The cameras can't see!
- Joe's Dad: Move over a bit!
- Joe Dirt: [angrily breaks the clown to the wall] I don't care about that! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THIS!
- Joe's Dad: Hey! What the hell are you doing?
- [Joe walks up and kicks down a shelf of clowns destroying them all]
- Joe Dirt: [leaves in tears] And I don't want to see you for another 25 years!
- Reporter at Parent's House: [leaves with the crew] Joe, wait!
- Joe's Mom: My God! Oh, my clowns! Look at my clowns! I wish he never found us! Look what he did to my children! Oh, no! Hey! Hey, TV people! Hey, TV people!
- Joe's Dad: Hey, you're grounded! Where are you all going? Hey, come on! You don't have to follow him just because he's going!