Tim Allen: Eliot Arnold

Big Trouble

Eliot Arnold

Eliot Arnold: Strip poker. Strip poker. Now, that's a good game.
[Grabs a squirt gun away from Matt]
Eliot Arnold: This is a stupid game.
Matt Arnold: Dad, no offense, but only a moron would mistake that for a real gun.
Eliot Arnold: You could've been killed. And where's your partner in crime?
Matt Arnold: Andrew?
Jenny Herk: He ran the other way.
Eliot Arnold: Did anybody call the police?
Anna Herk: [off-screen] I'm making some coffee, you want some?
Eliot Arnold: I'll call the police.

Matt Arnold: I hope they don't have a dog.
Eliot Arnold: [narrating] As it turns out, the Herks did have a dog. His name was Roger and he was the random result of generations of hasty, unplanned dog sex.

Eliot Arnold: [voice over] Arthur Herk. One of the few Floridians who was *not* confused when he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Eliot Arnold: What *is* it that brings two strangers together so that one soul inhabits two bodies? Sometimes it's profound. Sometimes it's Fritos.

Eliot Arnold: What does a guy like Arthur do for a living?
Anna Herk: He's an executive at Penultra Corporation.
Eliot Arnold: I did an article on them once. They built the jail downtown where the plumbing doesn't work. I called it, "Crapital Punishment."
Anna Herk: Eliot Arnold, from The Herald? I used to read your column! You were so funny. What happened?
Eliot Arnold: I lost my sense of humor in the divorce.
[Anna laughs]

Eliot Arnold: How does a guy like Arthur end up with someone like you?
Anna Herk: I married him when Jenny was little. My first husband left us kind of early, and we had to move to this crappy little apartment, and I met Arthur. He was different then. I keep looking up divorce lawyers in the phone book, but then I think about that horrible apartment.
Eliot Arnold: It's unavailable. I live there.
[Anna laughs again]

[Puggy lays down a heavy metal suitcase in the bar's stockroom]
John: Strong. Come back tomorrow one o'clock, maybe I have another job for you.
[Later that evening, Puggy is walking beside a posh house, sees a banyan tree and pitches camp in its canopy]
Eliot Arnold: [v.o] After only twenty-four hours in Miami, Puggy already had a more rewarding career and lived in a nicer neighborhood than I did.

Arthur Herk: [to Eliot] Now you and your shithead kid can get the hell out of here, and never come back.
Eliot Arnold: Thanks for everything.

Snake: [on seeing Eddie out cold on the floor] Eddie... get up! Get up, you lazy shit!
Eliot Arnold: [confronting Snake] He's not lazy, he's unconscious.

Eliot Arnold: I say we blame the whole evening on rap music and too much violence on television.