Barry Humphries: Bruce

Finding Nemo

Bruce

Bruce: [reciting] I am a nice shark, not a mindless eating machine. If I am to change this image, I must first change myself. Fish are friends, not food.

Marlin: There was this mollusk, and he walks up to this sea cucumber. Normally, they don't talk, sea cucumbers, but in a joke everyone talks. So the sea mollusk says to the cucumber...
[sees the mask]
Marlin: Nemo!
Chum: [laughing] Nemo! Ha ha! Nemo... I don't get it.
Bruce: For a clown fish, he's not that funny.

Bruce: Hello. My name is Bruce.
Anchor, Chum: Hello, Bruce.
Bruce: It has been three weeks since my last fish, on my honor, or may I be chopped up and made into soup.
[Anchor and Chum applaud]
Chum: You're an inspiration to us all!
Anchor: Amen!

Bruce: Today's meeting is Step 5: Bring a fish friend. Everyone brought a fish friend?
Anchor: Got mine.
[a small fish shivering with fear]
Dory: Hi there!
Bruce: What about you, Chum?
Chum: Oh... um... I seem to have misplaced my, um... friend.
[a fish skeleton peeks from Chum's teeth; Chum quickly sucks it back in]
Bruce: That's all right, mate. I had a feeling this would be a hard step. You can help yourself to one of my friends.
Chum: [Taking Marlin] Thanks mate. A little chum for Chum, eh?

[Marlin and Dory are each pulling on the mask; it snaps and hits Dory in the face]
Dory: Ow!
Marlin: Oh, I'm really sorry. Are you okay?
Dory: Ow, ow, ow!
Marlin: I'm so sorry.
Dory: You really clocked me there. Am I bleeding?
[a wisp of blood floats from Dory's nose]
Marlin: Ohh!
Dory: Ow. Ow. Ow.
Bruce: Dory, are you okay...
[Sniffs the blood; his eyes turn black]
Bruce: Oh, ooooooh, that's good...
Chum, Anchor: Intervention!

Mr. Ray: [introduction to the Bonus Features menu of the first disc of the DVD; Mr. Ray is singing] Let's make a selection, a selection, a selection. Let's make a selection on the D-V-D! Ohhhhh! Pick something.
Nemo: [looks down at the reef] Cool!
Mr. Ray: [all characters are off-screen past this point] Welcome explorers! So much to see, so much to learn. Let's go!
[long pause]
Mr. Ray: Okay, optical orbits up front, and let's pick a button.
Dory: Uh! I'd like to see it with the commentary!
Marlin: It's not up to you.
Dory: Well, they might listen to me; I speak mammal. Choose the commentary!
Marlin: Unbelievable...
Mr. Ray: Sooo... Moving along!
[pause]
Mr. Ray: All scientific exploration is an act of discovery, so pick a button and discover what happens.
Bruce: [Bruce's Easter egg narration on the same menu] Hullo. My name is Bruce. I promise to watch all the making-of features, listen to the complete audio-visual commentary, and search diligently for Easter Eggs. On my honor, so help me.

[looking at the mines]
Dory: Hey, look, balloons. It is a party.
Bruce: Mind your distance, though. Those balloons can be a bit dodgy. You wouldn't want one of them to pop.

Bruce: So, what's a couple of bites like you doing out so late?
Marlin: Nothing, we're not doing anything, we're not even out.
Bruce: Great! Then how would you little morsels like to come to a little - a little get-together I'm having?
Dory: You mean like a party?
Bruce: Yeah, that's it, a party! What do you say?
Dory: Oh, I love parties! That sounds like fun.
Marlin: Parties are fun, and it's tempting, but we really have to...
Bruce: [Takes Dory and Marlin by the fin] Aw, come on. I insist.
Marlin: [Nervous] Okay, that's all that matters.