Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian • Mrs. Zeebee

Scrubs

Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian • Mrs. Zeebee

Turk: Who are these guys?
J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
J.D.: Between these thoughts.

J.D.: Dr. Kelso. The doc here has been telling me that you have some great stories. I wouldn't mind hearing one sometime.
Dr. Kelso: Oh what the hell. Back in '68 I don't like you. The end.

J.D.: Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.

J.D.: Shut up, shut up, shut up and shut up, okay? Who are you people to give me advice about anything? All you do is bitch about your relationships all day long.
[to Dr. Cox]
J.D.: And you know what glare all you want Big Dog, okay, because I'm not afraid of you. 'Oh no, Jordan's only paying attention to the baby. That must be so hard for Dr. Look-At-Me, isn't it? LOOK-AT-MEEEE.
[to Carla and Turk]
J.D.: And you two, you're arguing ever since you got engaged, wow you're probably the first couple that's ever done that EVER. It can't be that you're just scared is it?
[to Elliot]
J.D.: And you, you know what, let's just forget for one second that a month ago you told me you couldn't be in a relationship with anyone, because for me, it's actually fun to watch you sabotage a relationship from the outside, it really is. Honestly, the only thing that gives me comfort you guys is while I'm sitting at home staring at the ceiling just wishing that I had someone to talk to, is knowing that none of you idiots realize how lucky you are.
[JD storms out of the cafeteria, passing Nurse Roberts]
Nurse Roberts: Did I miss something good?

J.D.: [after Janitor pops up behind him] Why do you have to jump out and scare me all the time?
Janitor: I don't jump out and scare you. I follow you around all day. I only got about an hour and a half of work around here, and the rest of the time I track you, like an animal.

Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
J.D.: [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
Carla: [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
[the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
J.D.: [thinking] Except that.

J.D.: Time to take the GR off my Gratitude and give that old bastard some Attitude, J.D. style.
[Walks off]
Carla: His office is that way.
J.D.: Yeah, I have to throw up first.

Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy 26-year-old doctor who keeps whining about how horrible his father was.
J.D.: Well, he did some considerable emotional damage, so...
Dr. Cox: Every one of our parents does considerable emotional damage, and from what I've heard, it just might be the best part of being a parent. Now, if some guy ever does put a ring on your finger and you're lucky enough to pop out a youngster, I'm sure you'll understand. But for now, believe me when I tell you I wouldn't care if this was the first time you ever met your daddy. Because, in reality... well, he could have done a much, much worse job.

Dr. Cox: [explaining he doesn't care it's JD's last week of residency] I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as our last week. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!
[turns away, then turns back]
Dr. Cox: Oh, and Hugh Jackman.
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!

Mikey: [Flying around like an airplane] Eeeeeeeeehhhhh! I'm a pretty airplane! Board me! Eeeeeeeeehhhhh!
Murray Marks: He's a little off.
J.D.: He smells like fuel.
Murray Marks: He's an airplane!

J.D.: I am not addicted to Journey
Chris Turk: [singing] She's just a small-town girl...
J.D.: [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.

J.D.: [voice-over] One thing I've learned is to never play Operation against a surgeon for money.
Turk: Eight seconds! Is that a new record, baby?
Carla: That depends, what are we talking about?
[J.D. and Carla laugh]

Dr. Cox: No matter where you go in life, always keep an eye out for Johnny, the tackling Alzheimer's patient.
J.D.: Now what's that supposed to mean?
Patient: [Tackling J.D. from out of nowhere, shouting] Who am I?

[discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]
Chris Turk: So, who'd you side with?
J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
Chris Turk: Smooth.

J.D.: [voice over] I guess what they say is true the people you work with really do become your family. Like your brother, and your sister in law,
[shot of Turk and Carla]
J.D.: or that cousin you have funny feelings for
[shot of Elliot]
J.D.: , and the crazy angry uncle everyone sort of hopes isn't coming this year.
J.D.: Dr. Cox, If you want you can come down here and hang out with...
Dr. Cox: Nobody talk, just drink.
J.D.: Ah uncomfortable silences and alcohol... just like Thanksgiving at home.

Ben: I think you've got yourself a Christmas card right there.
Jordan: Yeah, you're funny. Look, I don't understand why you refuse to put on a hospital gown?
Ben: [in English accent] Because I don't like people to see my bum.
Jordan: So wear underwear.
Ben: You know how I feel about underwear.
Jordan: Every girl who came to our house in the mid-eighties knows how you feel about underwear.
Ben: [laughs] The sweatpants years.
J.D.: I don't like that much freedom down there. It makes me tingle in my giblets.