Judy Reyes credited as playing...
Nurse Carla Espinosa
- Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
- Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
- [nurses stare]
- Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
- Carla: So what I'm not funny?
- Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
- Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
- Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
- [flash to Cox as the maid]
- Dr. Cox: Am I right?
- [cut back]
- Dr. Cox: Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
- Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo!
- Dr. Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
- Ted: I am?
- Dr. Cox: Yes
- Ted: Awwwww!
- Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
- [points pinky and makes sipping motion]
- Dr. Cox: . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
- Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
- Dr. Cox: The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
- Ted: I'm not really a sad sack?
- Carla: Ted your pen exploded.
- Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww!
- [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
- Ted: AWWWW MAN!
- Carla: Christopher!
- Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
- Carla: Sometimes.
- [Dr. Cox has been berating people after learning that his girlfriend slept with most of doctors to sell medicine]
- Dr. Cox: I'm not angry. So my girlfriend serviced most of the staff? I'm proud of her commitment to medicine.
- Carla: Please! What about all the women you've slept with? Your ex-wife, that med student, your ex-wife, the cute nurse from radiology, your ex-wife...
- Dr. Cox: Would you please get off my ex-wife?
- Carla: I will if you will.
- [Cox breaks down laughing]
- Dr. Cox: Well... dammit! Gosh, now I'm too proud of you to be mad at you.
- Carla: Well?
- Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, would you please repeat the question?
- Carla: Are you just gonna roll over like that?
- Jordan: That's weird, I asked him the same thing last night.
- Carla: Where's the outrage? The anger? The hate?
- Jordan: Again, last night!
- Carla: You've gone soft.
- Jordan: [Gasps] Okay, now it's getting spooky.
- Dr. Cox: Oh, gosh, Shannon, thank you so much for clarifying my point by repeating it word for word. And now, in a reciprocal gesture, can I be included in the planning of your coming-out party?
- J.D.: Is that a gay joke?
- Dr. Cox: No, it's a cotillion joke. My God, Newbie, it's been two furiously frustrating years - how is it possible that you still don't get me? I would never compare you to the gays. I like the gays - I like their music, I like their sense of style, I especially like what they've done with Halloween - but our thing is that you are a little girl. That's who you are. But that's really not fair...
- J.D.: [thinking] Man, once Dr. Cox gets on a roll, there's nothing that can derail him.
- Carla: [speaking from the desk behind them] My mom died.
- [the two guys turn to look at her, speechless with concern]
- J.D.: [thinking] Except that.
- [about J.D]
- Dr. Cox: Uh, Carla. Carla, have you, uh, have you seen Newbie?
- Carla: Oh, he got off your leash?
- Dr. Cox: [laughing] Give me a break. The kid's like... he's like a... have you ever seen a drunk baby?
- [Carla stares at him]
- Dr. Cox: Eh, it's a long story involving my son, a rum cake, and a low counter. Suffice to say, it turns out that, at first, it's... it's endearing to watch them bounce off of the walls, but man... you take your eyes off them for one second...
- Chris Turk: Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock.
- Elliot: If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.
- Carla: [gasps] I do think that!
- Carla: You know what your problem is?
- Dr. Cox: There are times when I put myself into situ...
- Carla: Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
- Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say.
- Carla: Yes I'll have an espresso, please and...
- [looks at menu]
- Carla: What kind of scones do you have today?
- Yuppie: Ahem.
- [Carla continues looking]
- Yuppie: Son of a bitch. Do you mind lady? I am in a rush.
- Carla: [Turning around] Oh, my goodness I'm so sorry. What am I doing thinking I can take an extra six seconds to pick my breakfast? I'm gonna have to call my mom and tell her she did a lousy job raising me. Thank you so much.
- [continues to look at menu]
- [Turk is talking about a rival surgeon]
- Chris Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
- J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
- Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
- Elliot: [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
- J.D.: Not entirely unlike a... ninja.
- Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
- Carla: Nice, while your mother lays there dying.
- Chris Turk: [to JD] Tell her.
- J.D.: His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.
- Chris Turk: Because I love my mom.
- J.D.: Mm, and I would love her too.
- Chris Turk: I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
- Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!
- [J.D. is trying to break up with Danni over the phone while Carla enters]
- Carla: [to Nurse Roberts] How's he doing?
- Nurse Roberts: The boy's got no biscuits.