Michael Caine: Nigel Powers

Austin Powers in Goldmember

Nigel Powers

Nigel Powers: There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch.

Nigel Powers: Easy peasy, lemon-squeasy. What, is this your first day on the job or something? Look, this is how it goes; You try to attack me, one at a time, and I knock you both out with a single punch. Ready? Go!
[Dr. Evil's henchmen do exactly as he predicted]
Nigel Powers: Judo chop. Judo chop.
Dr. Evil: Oh, he's good.
Henchman Sailor: [approaches warily]
Nigel Powers: Do you know who I am?
Henchman Sailor: [nods]
Nigel Powers: Have you got any idea how many anonymous henchmen I've killed over the years?
Henchman Sailor: [nods again]
Nigel Powers: I mean, look at you. You don't even have a name tag. You've got no chance. Why don't you just fall down?
[henchman falls down]

Nigel Powers: [rubs throat] Ow...
Austin Powers: What's wrong with your neck?
Nigel Powers: I took a Viagra, got stuck in me throat, I've had a stiff neck for hours.
Nigel Powers, Austin Powers: I thank you!

Nigel Powers: All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.
Goldmember: What? Take the fahza away! Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears.
[mutters]
Goldmember: Walter Matthau.

Nigel Powers: So, little fella, I'm curious. Is everything in proportion?
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods unsure]
Nigel Powers: You know, your bobby dangler, giggle stick, your general-two-colonels, master of ceremonies... Yeah, don't be shy, let's have a look.
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me unzips his pants]
Nigel Powers: My lord! You're a tripod. What you been feeding that thing, eh? It looks like a baby's arm holding an apple. Good thing is, if you ever get tired, you can use it as a kickstand!
Mini-Me: [Mini-Me nods, smiling]

Austin Powers: Listen, dad, if you are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls, then at least speak English.
Nigel Powers: All right, my son. I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China.
[I was about to make love to this pretty girl]
Austin Powers: Are you telling a bunch of pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur?
[Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?]
Nigel Powers: What, billy no mates?
[What, alone?]
Austin Powers: Too right, youth.
[Indeed]
Nigel Powers: Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint?
[Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?]
Austin Powers: Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens!
[the insane one?]
Nigel Powers: Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears!
[She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs]
Austin Powers: She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and...
[a lawyer who became a policeman in a truck]
Austin Powers: [complete gibberish]
[?]
Austin Powers: ...
Austin Powers, Nigel Powers: --tea kettle!
Nigel Powers: And then, and then...
Austin Powers, Nigel Powers: She shat on a turtle!