Owen Wilson credited as playing...
Roy O'Bannon
- Prostitute: [trying to woo Roy] I'll give you a discount.
- Roy: That's the most romantic thing a woman has ever said to me.
- Roy: Hey, Rathbone! I was just thinking of a title for my new book. "Roy O'Bannon vs. Little Lord Sissy." Or how about "Roy O'Bannon versus the Man who would be Queen?"
- Chon Wang: The English are not very friendly.
- Roy: They're just sore losers.
- Chon Wang: What did they lose?
- Roy: A little thing called the American Revolution, Chon.
- Chon Wang: Never heard of it.
- Roy: I'll give you the highlights. They came over with about a million men. We had a bunch of farmers with pitchforks and beat 'em like a drum.
- Roy: Chon, I have a confession to make.
- Chon Wang: You are in love with my sister?
- Roy: Well, that, but I didn't lose all the money on the zeppelins.
- Chon Wang: No?
- Roy: Nah. I blew most of it on the Roy O'Bannon novels. I wrote them.
- Chon Wang: No, Sage McCallister wrote them.
- Roy: That's what I'm saying, buddy. I'm Sage McCallister.
- Chon Wang: You wrote those lies?
- Roy: I've always had low self-esteem.
- Chon Wang: How many books did you print?
- Roy: I self-published probably a million copies. We were actually second to the Bible that year.
- Fagin #1: Come here, you little rubbish eater! What did I tell you about poncing on our turf, Charlie?
- Charlie Chaplin: I'm on the straight and narrow, honest!
- Fagin #1: [frisks Charlie and finds Roy's watch] What's this, then?
- [Charlie rolls his eyes]
- Fagin #1: After I'm through beating you, you're gonna wish you *never* ran away from the workhouse!
- Chon Wang: Leave the boy alone!
- Fagin #2: Bloody tourists. Get your noses out of it!
- Roy O'Bannon: Guys, do whatever you want to the kid, but that's my watch you're holding.
- Fagin #1: Well, there's a *load* of us and only two of you, so piss off!
- Roy O'Bannon: Easy, fellas. You've lost *one* war this way. Don't make the same mistake twice.
- Roy: And just to set the record straight... Roy O'Bannon is not attracted to loose women; loose women are attracted to me.
- Roy: Hey, Chon, you're lucky I didn't invest in that ridiculous "auto-mobile" idea. Yeah, that's gonna make a lot of money.
- Roy: There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.
- Chon Wang: Chon Wang...
- [sounds like "John Wayne"]
- Chon Wang: ...movie star? It could work.
- Roy: So what are we gonna do? Come on, think! I'm not going to an English prison. With my feathery blond hair and Chon's athletic build, they'll try to make us the bell of the ball.