Kevin James credited as playing...
Self
- Kevin James: You know, when you're a fat guy you don't need a reason to sweat. Guys come up to me and go "Jeez... what have you been doing - jumping rope in the attic or something?"..."Umm, no... I peeled an orange about an hour ago, why?"
- Kevin James: How big are muffins going to get before we all join hands across America? Have you seen them? They're huge. "Yeah, I'll take a coffee and... Oh, my God! Yeah, I'll have the beanbag chair with raisins."
- Kevin James: [Peeling the cheese off a piece of pizza and handing it to someone else] There, there's your skin-flap. That piece that looks like my ass caught fire and somebody put it out with an old t-shirt is yours.
- Kevin James: [talking about greetings cards] You know what it is about the card? They don't represent real life. That's the problem. The cards you get are ridiculous. The big sunset with the two deer drinking out of the pond, creating the ripples of water. That's not our life. It should say: "I'm fat, you're fat. See you in the kitchen in ten minutes."
- Kevin James: This bothered me, and it probably shouldn't have, but, I was at a Met game, I'm a Met fan, and I was watchin'...
- [some audience cheers/boos]
- Kevin James: Whatever. I'm at the game. That's not the point. I'm at the game, and they sit me next to a guy and he's eating an apple. First of all, does that not piss you off right there? A guy eating an apple at Shay Stadium. You shouldn't be allowed fruit at a ball park, first of all. It's like beer, peanuts, hot dogs, and maybe the little ice cream in a helmet, that's about it. This guy's eating fruit. And you know what the problem was? He was eating it way too long, he was way too into it, he's like:
- [munching sounds]
- Kevin James: He's, like, flipping it over, trying to find the good part.
- [more munching sounds]
- Kevin James: I was like, "Dude, they're 39 cents a bag, let it go! Grab another one! It's fruit, Frederick! Jeez!"
- Kevin James: You know what else annoys me? People leaving slow-ass boring messages on my machine. Unbelievable. Yeah, you come home late at night, you gotta go to the bathroom,
- [holding his crotch and hopping]
- Kevin James: Look at this: I got a message. This could be important, I better check it out now.
- [mimes pushing button]
- Kevin James: "Heeeeeeeeeeyyyyyy. Kevin, how's it goin', man?
- [breathes]
- Kevin James: It's Tim Duffy from work. What's going on, maaaan?
- [breathes]
- Kevin James: Aaaaanyway, gimme a call back, if you get a chance. I will be, uh, well you know what, if you call at 9:15, I should be back, actually, anything after 9:18"... whatever. "I'm at
- [gibberish]
- Kevin James: , bye." This is great, now I gotta play the whole Tim Duffy message again to try to get the number at 100 miles an hour! That's fun when you're hunched over your machine with, like, an index card and a little pen. Vrrrt! "
- [gibberish]
- Kevin James: " I got nothing on that pass. I got nothing. Vrrrt! "
- [gibberish]
- Kevin James: " I got a six, four blanks, four, and then I'm out. I'm out again. Vrrrt! "
- [gibberish]
- Kevin James: " I got a freakin' G! I got a G! Timmy gave me a G!