Tony Shalhoub credited as playing...
Adrian Monk
- [first lines]
- Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] The stove.
- Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen.
- Adrian Monk: No... I mean *my* stove. I-I think I left it on.
- Sharona Fleming: It's okay. I, uh, checked it as we were leaving.
- Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Did you turn the knob?
- Sharona Fleming: Yeah.
- Adrian Monk: The little knob, though?
- Sharona Fleming: I turned all the knobs. The stove is off, Adrian.
- Lt. Gitomer: We believe it was a burglary gone sour. She walked in, she surprised him, he panicked, he left there from the kitchen.
- Adrian Monk: No. No. No, no. No. No. This-This was no burglary.
- Lt. Gitomer: It wasn't?
- Adrian Monk: He tried to make it look like one, but this guy was cold as ice. He wore her slippers to avoid leaving shoe prints - not something your neighborhood crackhead is prone to do.
- [Adrian notices a desk lamp and, distracted, begins to compulsively tap it]
- Sharona Fleming: Adrian. Adrian.
- [she claps her hands, getting Adrian's attention]
- Adrian Monk: He was in here. He was waiting.
- Lt. Gitomer: Waiting for what?
- Adrian Monk: You know, for her. He was here at least an hour. He was smoking. You can still smell it on the curtains.
- [sniffs the curtains]
- Adrian Monk: Menthols. Salems. Possibly Newports.
- Lt. Gitomer: Maybe she was the smoker.
- Adrian Monk: No. No, she was a Dutch Calvinist. They don't smoke. They consider their bodies to be a holy - a holy chalice of -
- [turns to Sharona]
- Adrian Monk: Sorry, I'm having trouble concentrating, because I think I smell gas. Did you hear the click? You gotta hear the click, not just feel the click. Hear it.
- [Sharona glares at him; to the other detectives]
- Adrian Monk: Anyway, uh, after he killed Miss, uh...
- Lt. Gitomer: Nicole Vasques, 25.
- Adrian Monk: Yeah, Miss Vasques, he - he hung around. He was, uh, looking for something.
- Lt. Gitomer: He was looking for what?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know. He checked something on her computer. He could've erased a file.
- Lt. Gitomer: Anything else?
- Adrian Monk: Yes, he's tall. He's 6'3", maybe 6'4".
- Miranda St. Claire: Tell me, Mr. Monk, do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
- Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
- Adrian Monk: No ma'am, I lie awake at night and try not to think at all.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: I wanted to make this crystal clear; you're here because the mayor thinks you can walk on water. But you're a civilian now, Monk. When I'm in there, I talk, you say nothing, understand? Look, Monk, when I took your badge three years ago, I told you nothing would give me more pleasure than to see you reinstated, and I meant that. But you're obviously not ready.
- Adrian Monk: Is that you talking, or the uniform?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: I *am* the uniform, Monk. You didn't understand that back when I was your watch commander. Now, you just stay out of my way, and we'll be fine.
- Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. And - And I'm sure you and Karen will work things out.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
- Adrian Monk: You and your wife - you're having some problems.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about? Karen and I are fine. We're 100%.
- Adrian Monk: Yes, sir. My mistake. Um, never been happier to be wrong.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Come here. How did you know that?
- Adrian Monk: You missed a spot shaving. Karen would have caught that. And your necktie - she always ties it for you. She uses that double slipknot. Conclusion - you dressed yourself. And, uh, the Ramada Inn cup. Send her some... roses maybe.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: When we get in there, you don't say anything.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Miranda St. Claire called the mayor personally. You couldn't just buy another key chain?
- Sharona Fleming: Trudy gave it to him. It's irreplaceable.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Captain, we just got the forensic report back. The bullets were hollow point, designed to deform on impact.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Those can't be traced.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yeah, but we caught a lucky break. One of them was still intact. They I.D.'d the weapon. It's a Weatherby Fibermark rifle, which is British...
- Adrian Monk: It's British. Long-range, preferred by mercenaries and paramilitary groups.
- Lt. Randall Disher: That's right. He's right.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, start a list of weapons and/or ammunitions sales.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Yes, sir.
- Adrian Monk: Could you cross-check that against Nicole Vasques?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Who?
- Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara.
- Lt. Randall Disher: Sir, your 10:00?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: The cases don't overlap, Monk. She worked for the DMV. He was a candidate for mayor. She was behind on her rent, he has houses all over the world. She was stabbed. He was shot. Let it go.
- Sharona Fleming: Are we gonna let it go?
- Adrian Monk: Hell, no.
- Sharona Fleming: What are we gonna do now?
- Adrian Monk: We're gonna follow the money. Mmm! Ahh! I've always wanted to say that.
- Adrian Monk: [examining the drawstring of the window blinds in an empty apartment] He used the drawstring to steady his shot. I've seen it before in the field manual for the Green Berets, Special Forces.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: It's possible.
- Adrian Monk: Captain, could you grab this? It'll just take a minute. Hold this up like a rifle.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Right.
- [Stottlemeyer picks up a long stick of wood and aims it out the window like a rifle. Monk sees that the end of the stick is lower than the kink in the drawstring]
- Adrian Monk: How tall are you?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Six foot.
- Adrian Monk: No, really.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: 5'11".
- Adrian Monk: Our guy was taller - 6'3", maybe 6'4", just like Santa Clara.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: Just like what?
- Sharona Fleming: The homicide in Santa Clara. We've been consulting on it.
- Lt. Randall Disher: I read that. It's a completely different M.O.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: You think there's a connection because this guy might be tall? Lieutenant, get the Warriors on the line. I want to talk to Anton Jamison, see if he's got an alibi for Thursday morning.
- Adrian Monk: Captain, do you know the percentage of men over 6'3"?
- Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Do you?
- Adrian Monk: Maybe 0.5. The odds of two men in this city in that category, committing premeditated murder within two days of each other are astronomical.
- Captain Stottlemeyer: All because of a twisted venetian-blind cord. Monk, that's a stretch, even for you.
- Adrian Monk: That and he wore slippers.
- [sniffs the curtains]
- Adrian Monk: And he smokes Newports.
- [Stottlemeyer snickers and then laughs]
- Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't police work. This - This is Vaudeville.
- [St Claire speaks at Jason Ronstadt's funeral. Monk has lost his keys]
- Warren St. Claire: In a few seconds, we will be closing the casket and saying good-bye to Jason forever.
- Sharona Fleming: Adrian, it's okay. We'll make new ones. Just - It's okay.
- Adrian Monk: It's the key chain. The key chain - it was Trudy's. I gotta - I gotta - I gotta have those keys. That packet right there just give it to me.
- Sharona Fleming: No.
- [Reluctantly, she hands over the paperclip from the packet]
- Warren St. Claire: Jason showed up every Sunday...
- Sharona Fleming: You are going straight to hell.
- Adrian Monk: I am in Hell.
- Warren St. Claire: May his loving spirit live forever in our hearts and in our prayers.
- [Adrian starts to create a makeshift fishing line using some dental floss and the paperclip]
- Warren St. Claire: Why don't we take a moment and meditate silently?
- [the people close their eyes and bow their heads. Meanwhile, Adrian lowers the fishing line]
- Warren St. Claire: Now... old friend... we turn and salute you one last time.
- [St. Claire faces the casket and salutes. By mistake, Monk hooks Jason's sleeve. He pulls on it, yanking up the hand as if in response to St. Claire's salute. Cuts to later, outside the church]
- Jesse Goodman: We gotta pull the car around. He's ready to go.
- Angry Old Lady: [to Monk] You should be ashamed of yourself!
- Miranda St. Claire: Do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign?
- Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda...
- Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I like awake at night and try not to think at all.
- Warren St. Claire: These things happen. Hell, for a minute, I thought I had a new campaign slogan: "Vote for St. Claire. He can raise the dead!"
- [He and Miranda take off down the steps]
- Warren St. Claire: Where's my boy?
- Jesse Goodman: Here, sir.
- Warren St. Claire: Make sure Miranda gets home.
- Jesse Goodman: Of course.
- Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, a couple of questions.
- Miranda St. Claire: Let me ask you a question. How can you investigate anything? I'm told you're "germophobic," afraid of the dark, heights, crowds... and milk.
- Sharona Fleming: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk.
- Miranda St. Claire: Ah.
- Adrian Monk: Mrs. St. Claire, I - I sense that you're a little upset, but I can tell you why I dropped my keys. I've been a bit preoccupied with another case. A girl was murdered in Santa Clara. Uh, a Nicole Vasques. Did you know her?
- Miranda St. Claire: No.
- Adrian Monk: No?
- Adrian Monk: Boy, this is nice, isn't it?
- Sharona Fleming: I forgot. What were we talking about?
- Carl: England.
- Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God, that's right. Um, Carl said that, uh, he was talking about living in England. He was a Rhodes Scholar.
- Adrian Monk: No kidding!
- Sharona Fleming: Yeah. He graduated magna cum laude.
- Adrian Monk: Cum laud.
- Sharona Fleming: Right. I know. And now he has a private practice. He's an entertainment lawyer. Guess who he represents. Can I tell him?
- Carl: Yeah, sure.
- Sharona Fleming: Francis Ford Coppola.
- Adrian Monk: Oh.
- Sharona Fleming: Yeah, but it's no big deal. A tabloid wrote something about him - that, you know, he was drunk at the Oscars, so now we're suing them for slander.
- Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. I - I don't know what to do here. Uh, I'm - I'm no good at this. Okay. This man is lying to you. He's not a lawyer.
- Sharona Fleming: What?
- Adrian Monk: Oxford doesn't have a magna cum laud, and you sue a newspaper for libel, not slander.
- [Carl gives him a look of disgust]
- Adrian Monk: I'll just shut up. Forget I said anything. It's no big deal, Carl.
- [after Monk rescues Sharona]
- Sharona Fleming: What the *hell* were you thinking?
- Adrian Monk: You kept saying, "shoot him! Shoot him!"
- Sharona Fleming: Adrian, I could have been killed!
- Adrian Monk: I knew what I was doing, I was aiming high. He's like twenty feet tall!
- Sharona Fleming: What if you missed? You could have missed!
- Adrian Monk: Oh, right! How could I have missed? The guy's King Kong!
- Sharona Fleming: What if it ricocheted?
- Adrian Monk: ...Oh, that-that's true. I didn't think of that.
- Sharona Fleming: [seeing Sykes] He's leaving. I'm gonna follow him.
- Adrian Monk: Where are you going, Sharona? Just stay put.
- Sharona Fleming: [not listening] He's stashing his gun... he's going downstairs...
- Adrian Monk: All right, just stay put! Stay right where you are!
- Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Who does she think she is?
- Adrian Monk: I don't know, Lois Lane.